We’ve all been there — stuck in a rut of a few weeks or even several months of feeling like you and your partner just aren’t clicking.
Feeling like the vibe is off.
The problem is, we tend to give the best version of ourselves to the people we barely know — the cashier at the grocery store, the barista at the local coffee shop, and friends of friends. Because, in our minds, we still have something to prove to them.
The facade of the perfect person has yet to be shattered by the rank morning breath, the short tempers during a long road trip, or the knowledge of our poor credit score.
We reserve the worst versions of ourselves for those closest to us; our spouses and our partners.
Your lover
Only they know who you really are, so you feel comfortable enough to let your guard down around them. You aim all of your frustration and rage at them because you know they can handle it.
You have a short fuse with them because they know you aren’t always like this…right? Or have they forgotten who you really are? After years and years of repeating this cycle, maybe they forgot.
Forgotten who that person was deep down that they fell in love with because lately, you haven’t been showing up as that person for them. The person who was always trying to impress them with your wit, humor, and kindness.
No, that person only comes out for special occasions like picking up your dry cleaning or buying tickets at the movies. It’s reserved for practical strangers these days.
What if we decided to flip the script? Invest our most prized asset — our emotions, into the people who matter most?
Identify the cause
Are you simply bored?
Are their once alluring quirks that initially drew you in starting to annoy you? Making your skin crawl? Infuriating you to your very core?
Have they changed? Yes, of course. But so have you. Loving someone is a choice. You have to choose to love them every day to be successful in a long-term relationship.
You can’t blame them for how you feel. Read that again.
If they’ve always snorted really loud when they laugh and you found it quite charming in the beginning, but now you roll your eyes at the very sound — you are the problem.
Not them.
Remember that you alone are in control of your feelings
Generally, unhappy people find ways to fill their emptiness again and again. They leave one partner thinking they were the problem and assume the shiny new person they’ve recently met will be completely different — problem solved!
But alas, the cycle repeats itself.
Unless there is a serious issue like emotional or physical abuse, infidelity, or something that completely defies your ethics and morals, think twice about it. Marriage isn’t supposed to be easy — but the easy parts of marriage should be easy.
I’m a child of divorce. Both of my parents have remarried multiple times. I’ve seen them go through the highs and lows of new love again and again. I swore I’d never be like them. Even at the young age of 27, I’ve already had a longer and happier relationship than either of them ever has.
This is because I understood the divine sacredness of marriage before getting married. I was engaged at 18 and married at 21, which is incredibly young, I know. But I knew, even then, that I was choosing to love that man and every version of him that I would meet for the rest of my life. I won’t let dirty socks on the floor come between us.
Is it them? Or is it you?
Divorce rates are high.
When you snap at your spouse because they yawned a little too loud, is it solely that act alone that enraged you? Or are you just letting out the misdirected anger that was meant for your boss, but had to be served to the one you love most because that’s who you feel the most secure with?
We all do it.
Being cooped up with our partners for what seems like years (which it has been), tensions have been running too high for far too long. It is natural to experience tension in a relationship under these circumstances.
Focus on you
As humans, we tend to fall into routines. Some are good while others aren’t so good. We can fall into the habit of forgetting to tell our lovers how much we love them because we assume they already know.
Try looking inward and reflect on why you are feeling the way that you are. Is there an external force like work or school building an anger inside of you that needs to be released? Always look inward before pointing the finger and placing blame on your spouse for how you are feeling.
If a friend of mine is struggling in their relationship for these reasons, I always give the same advice:
Look back to the beginning, where it all started. You can do this with your partner by looking at old photos throughout your relationship and remembering what you were doing and how you were feeling together.
Reintroduce them to your true self. Create new routines going forward.
As you do for strangers, always lead with love and kindness. Especially with those closest to you.
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This post was previously published on Hello, Love.
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