Abuse comes in many forms. Especially abuse that men often don’t recognize.
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Many men have selective memories.
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Most men, like myself, are unaware that they are, or have been, abused. Many men have selective memories. They remember the good times, the sex and the moments when their partner told them they were good at fixing doorknobs. Men can be perfect whipping boys. Their greatest strength is endurance in the face of conflict and terror.
They learn, as children and adolescence, to push their bodies well beyond capacity in order to net a soccer ball, or, as men, drive hard into long hours at a desk even though their soul is screaming for reprieve. Tolerance runs sovereign over self-respect.
For most men to recall a time they were treated terribly, it may take more than throwing a shoe down memory lane. They just don’t think about being treated terribly, they think about how to fix something, or how to escape, but to recall and feel are the creeds of a foreign god.
This false core wound provides ground for any Narcissistic or Borderline individual to come creeping into their midst, keen on exploiting that wound for all its riches.
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Men are most at risk for abuse when they have grown up thinking they have to please in order to be loved, have drug addicted or alcoholic parents, or if they’ve been abandoned by a parent or guardian and think it’s their fault. They become people-pleasing puddles of mush, mashed at the stroke of a disapproving gaze. This false core wound provides ground for any Narcissistic or Borderline individual to come creeping into their midst, keen on exploiting that wound for all its riches.
They are never able to apologize, are uber critical of other people and are masterful manipulators.
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Narcissists and Borderline personalities, or the skilled victim as I call them, are those who have received the same type of wounding as the people pleasers, perhaps more severe/abusive, but have responded and developed in a different way. They can be men or women. These types become the opposite of people pleasing. They are never able to apologize, are uber critical of other people and are masterful manipulators.
The skilled victim needs someone, a whipping boy, to trim their hedges and turn on the lights for them, and the whipping boy will comply, because that is how he achieves shallow acceptance, and his own version of false love.
Skilled victims are the most prone to abuse. These are some of the ways I, and other men I know, have experienced abuse.
The skilled victim will:
- Seduce him with all the sex he wants until he has committed; then remove sex, off and on, infinitum, in order to keep him where they want him. The man will always apologize thinking he has done something wrong to have such boons retracted. This is abuse. Get out.
- Develop impromptu “sicknesses” just before their man leaves to clear his head, spend time with friends, go on a solo adventure, or business trip. The expert victim will then shame him for leaving them in such a condition.
- Will verbally abuse him, castrate him with their words and challenge his manhood and self-care. Skilled victims hate seeing people take care of themselves, because it is not something they have ever been able to do, and, quite possibly, were punished for trying to do so. A skilled victim is incapable of compromise, vulnerability, or authenticity. Either you do what they want, or they will do whatever they can to label you as an abuser.
- Become an expert within the first few weeks around what the man will want to hear. They will build him up. He will be an emperor in his own skin. Once the skilled victim latches on, however, all of his strengths will, like a slow poisonous drip, be challenged and undermined, especially when they interfere with the victim’s need for self-soothing and attention.
- Talk endlessly of wanting to be together for lifetimes, how they can’t wait for them to grow old together, and in the next instant they snap fangs at you for packing a box wrong. The man will be split into idealizations and degradations. This is abuse. Leave the leaf of the praying mantis.
- Empty a man’s bank account on the promise of love then blame him for a poor budget. When they are not getting their way, or if confronted, they will viciously attack a weak and tired man (who’s been working to provide) then berate his lack of energy.
- Start fights with the man’s family members, friends, or other males, and if he doesn’t take their side, he will be stonewalled and questioned for his commitment. Sometimes, they will provoke another man to the point of fighting, and demand that you defend their honor. This is abuse. Get out.
- Initiate the cycle of abuse at night, keep him awake, or try to make him orgasm as much as possible so that he becomes weak and disoriented. If he likes to orgasm, they will pathologize his sex drive. Sleep and sex control are common tactics of abuse. The skilled victim’s main assault is on his ability to be present, think clearly, and pursuit of anything that does not involve the victim’s plans.
- When a man finally stands up for himself, and refuses to take any more punishment, the skilled victim may become desperate, attack the man, and then tell the world they’ve been abused. They may take the children and use this false “abuse” as an excuse to keep them away from him; and then move to the next target (often the children).
This list is by no means exhaustive.
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As an abused man I complained and pleaded. The more I pointed out their behavior, the worse it got. Finally, after having left the Ferris Wheel of victim and abuser, I have uncovered the following essential treasures:
Take responsibility for your gifts.
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The abuse is telling you that you need to step more fully into your path in life, your passions, and take responsibility for your gifts. The skilled victim will do anything to destroy them in order to feel loved.
Don’t give in.
A healthy partner will respect your boundaries, feel more secure in them, and will have a chance to heal inside your firmness.
The skilled victim is actually an external representation of the damage you are causing yourself by apologizing for things you shouldn’t, making waves out of your Yes’s and No’s, and folding your dreams for their satisfaction. Wake up. The only thing you should apologize for is not being yourself. Find a way to be You.
You are gaining the benefit of not having to be your own hero – a massive responsibility.<
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Learn about secondary gains. They provide the reason you keep finding partners like this. You are gaining the benefit of not having to be your own hero – a massive responsibility. Take out the IV, get off the bed and stand up. If they keep cutting you down, leave them.
- Men that lead from their heart thwart all abuse. Believe beyond reproach that what is good for you is good for the planet. It’s sexy.
- Skilled victims don’t know who they are. Their accusations and insults are actually how they feel about themselves and their self-appraisals are actually positive characteristics they have borrowed from you.
- Leaving a relationship like this requires you to grieve. Learn how to cry, join a men’s group (I have an online one), and start doing what you know all along you need to do – for you.
- Being abused is not a reason to stay in victimhood and complain. If you remain like this you will turn into a skilled victim. Please don’t.
- If your children witnessed the abuse, your leaving and self-empowering will inspire them to rise above as well.
- Expert victims should never be expected to change, but as the real victim, you should expect to change yourself. Abuse, at some level, is a deep wake up call to spirited action.
If you or any man you know is struggling with these issues, please feel free to contact me at Prometheus Men’s Group, [email protected], Facebook, or Twitter.
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Picture: Flickr/Davi Ozolin
Men (& women) who have been abused need to recognise that they have had a co dependant dynamic going on within the relationship. Like it or not, they are part of the abusive cycle and only by walking away and owning their own part in it can they become a ‘survivor’. Those dwelling on how badly they were treated as a ‘victim’ need to look inwards and aim towards changing themselves, so they never put thsmselves in that co dependant relationship dynamic again. It sounds harsh but playing the victim gets you no where.
My ex wife I’m convinced has narcissism(I’m in UK and narcissim is not really accepted as a real disease)
I’ve had 8 year’s married abuse of it and 4yrs divorced of it (which is still continuing)
We have two beautiful boys 7and 9.
My story’s long and painful and still ongoing because if you have children you can never escape .
It’s embarrassing to admit to your family your friends etc that a man can be abused in this way …..
This article also sums up my ex. Since I took her to court, things have been much better; she’s now only allowed to contact me regarding my son’s health or pick up/drop off. It’s a blessed relief.
Bet you havent kept to it though? In my experience you are both addicted to the dysfunctional pattern and Despite the order you will continue daily text contact. Perhaps you enjoy abuse in a weird way?
Ive been abused for 17 years… and im affraid ive turned into a skilled victim. I cant even see reality clearly. I KNOW how to respect another human that respects me. And I know I’ve been horribly abused. I dont know how to get out.
Great article. This is t talked about much and is hard to talk about because they are things that often happen to a very small degree in a lot of relationships, so it’s easy to feel like you’re just messed up, or “lacking in any relationship skills” as my skilled victim told me. But when it’s your entire relationship, it’s abuse. Took several years of counseling and a couple of marriage counselors for me to realize that. Thanks for writing this.
Hi Caleb,
This seems to be popping up a lot, the difference between normal relationships that experience homeopathic doses of abuse, but mostly find ways to recover, as opposed to relationships bereft of repair after repeated patterns (like the ones listed above). Sadly there are more. It’s hard to talk about, definitely.
I lived this life for a decade and now my boys and I are free. As I read this I couldn’t help but feel the writer still has a long way to go.
There is a lot of truth to that statement. Thank you for sharing about you and your boys 🙂 … I can see this, somewhere in the distance. Blessings, Rob.
=( My poor boyfriend went through this with his ex wife. Stayed with her for 9 years. He settled for her because all his friends were getting married. I am doing my best to help him heal from the horrors she put him through.
It warms my heart to hear your empathy and that you are trying to understand what your partner went through. Wishing you both the best in health and intimacy :).
I agree, wholeheartedly, that everything mentioned here is a very real form of abuse (I watched my mother abuse my father in these specific ways), yet I wonder if we who are in the ‘know’ regarding this could stand to be less PC about things sometimes. I’ve had more than a few people use lists like this to label perfectly standard behavior as abuse and been harshly criticized for calling them out. For example: if your mother is a terrible person and your girlfriend just can’t take it anymore and draws lines in the sand for her own protection, that… Read more »
love your handle “aberrantunicorn”, Your statement here is powerful. On the other side of your coin, you have people who justify to themselves that troubles in relationships are normal, and therefore abuse is normal. Couples that can work through snappings and tough sexual periods, together, is and should be normal. However, in abusive relationships, these factors are ongoing, little poisonous darts thrown consistently, maddeningly. A healthy couple works through and becomes more conscious through micro-abuses; yes they happen in healthy relationships, but in abusive ones, nothing is ever really worked through, and the victim is constantly gaslighted, manipulated, and scapegoated.… Read more »
Great assessment.
Thank you Chauncey,
Is there any particular part that resonates strongly with you?
I lived this on and off for 4 years, phew… he started behaving like a jerk in the first month, but love was blind. First love, nostalgia, bla de bla. All this he dealt to perfection: Develop impromptu “sicknesses” just before their man leaves to clear his head, spend time with friends, go on a solo adventure, or business trip. The expert victim will then shame him for leaving them in such a condition. “Will verbally abuse him, castrate him with their words and challenge his manhood and self-care. Skilled victims hate seeing people take care of themselves, because it… Read more »
Yes, covert narcissism or covert abuse … it is insidious. I was a devout with my inner work, meditated frequently, was in grad school to be a psychotherapist, and STILL found myself in a situation like that. What a profound learning experience it was … most of which I am grateful for. In some ways it saved my life.
Well, this is quite the witch hunt you’ve got going here. Is it possible to generalize any more than you have? To presume that ‘abusers’ are classified to narcissistic and borderline personality types not only serves to slot these people into a label that they do not deserve, but also to further stigmify mental health disorders in general. While I an agree the scenarios you’ve described are most definitely abusive in nature, they are not specifically attributed to these kinds of personality challenges. Abuse, in its essence, is something that any person, of any age, of any gender, can perpetuate… Read more »
Hi Jay, Looks like a cord has been struck here. Nowhere did I say that abusers are classified strictly as narcissistic or borderline, but I will strongly state that disordered personalities are quite prone to abusive behaviours due to lack of empathy. This article attempts to bring light to how abuse occurs, and that it occurs to men much more than we realize. It is also an article that tries to shed light on what good can come out of these situations. Yes, anyone can abuse anyone, but healthy people see this and make a change, talk about it, apologize.… Read more »
I am not telling you all of this to argue with your article, I just wish you would take into account the other side of the story. I do not wish to be an abuser, a victim or a skilled victim. All I really want is to get out. After everything that has happened I still don’t want to hurt him. Anytime I try to leave he either threatens or falls apart a cries and I cave. Please keep in mind that some men are master manipulator sand can use what you write as weapons. From what I have read… Read more »
Hi Ali,
I do not believe one abuse justifies another, either in action or reaction.
I’d love to dialogue with you about this Ali. It seems like my articles are really bringing up a lot for you, which I respect and understand. Send me an email and perhaps we find a common understanding. [email protected]
We do usually have arguments at night, we both start him. It will escalate to the point where one of us says we want a divorce. If he says it he tells how he will destroy me in court. How he will take the house, kids and leave me with nothing. That he wants me out the next day. I end up a ball of crying mess then frantically try to figure out where I will live. What I will do for transportation and money. How I will pay for a lawyer to fight for my kids. Then in the… Read more »
I have unintentionally started fights with his family when I went to them for help. I went to them about the drugs and showed proof. They were angry at me and did nothing. I went to them when he started changing and becoming mean. They yelled at me. I went to them when his daughter left. They villinized her even call her a bitch, she was a child!!! His sister heard about the boobs and yelled and screamed at me saying I am taking all of his money and will never be happy with myself. I tried to tell her… Read more »
Money, oh the issues with money!!! He makes over $100,000 a year, but we live paycheck to paycheck and he constantly goes on about our debt! We have an average size house, 1 car and do not go on vacations. If I spend to much on the things we need like shoes for the kids, laundry soap and food he will get angry and take all of my debit/credit cards away. If my car is almost out of gas I’m screwed! If the kids or I need to go to the dr or dentist or need medication. I cannot buy… Read more »
I did talk about our future and growing old with him. Intil I found out that then man I loved was a lie. He told me he was in the air force. He would tell detailed stories. For 12 years he kept this up! Last year I found out from his mom he was never in the Air Force! Other people have accidentally poked hold in other false storie. So much that I began to question, who is this man I married??? How can someone who I thought I knew so deeply be all a lie?? It is horrible to… Read more »
I did build him up when I first met him. He had just gotten over a horrible divorce and custody battle. He painted his ex as a monster and claimed I lifted him up and saved him. That I put him back together. I loved his daughter as my own and took care of her. I thought everything was wonderful. So I married him. Then it all changed. Now his daughter is a teenager. We used to have her 50% of the time. After an argument with him where she said she felt like he treated her like a possession… Read more »
I don’t know if I have verbally abused him. I have said some mean things when he has done and said things that hurt me, but I have never torn down his self esteem and said things even close to as horrible as the things he has said to me!!! I don’t want to hurt him!
I do get sick before he leaves on business trips. I have found evidence on his phone of him contacting prostitutes and arranging to meet with them on trips. He has sent me emails while he was gone saying he went on a cocaine binge and he feels he has a problem when he was out with his friends. He controls all of the money and gives me very little access. I know nothing about our accounts, bills and debt. If something happened to him I would have little access and would lose everything. So the fear, stress and anxiety… Read more »
i tried to write a comment but it looks like it didn’t post. Jordan, I respect your profession, in fact I have wanted to be a therapist since high school. I also commend you on wanting to help victims of abuse. With that being said, I wish you never wrote this article and pray that my my husband never sees it. He would use it as a tool of manipulation against me. I am guilty of every single thing you list, but the last. I have not had the courage to leave with my children. My issue with this article… Read more »
Been there: escaped that. Good article.
Thanks Paul, appreciate that.
I’m actually very glad to read this article… My wife has been abusing me in many of those ways for years.. I’ve been contemplating a divorce for the last few months after learning she’s been cheating on me with several other men. Pretty depressed lately. Hard to leave when I have two very young girls and so much debt. This article has opened my eyes to all the confusing feelings I’ve been having for years. Thank you so very much!
Hi Jacob,
Do you have support? Depression is usually a sign you are in semi-pretty deep. You probably didn’t always feel this way…
As a female survivor of abuse I am glad that the conversations about men also being victims/survivors is starting to happen more and more. It is ridiculous to assume that abuse doesn’t affect men in the same way as women, of course it does, and I have male friends who have not/ do not recognise that they have been in abusive relationships. The problem with not recognising it is it affects them, but they can’t possibly deal with it. If ‘society’ doesn’t accept that men can be abused by women (and of course other men) then most men don’t recognise… Read more »
Hi XS,
BPD refers to Borderline Personality Disorder. They are different diagnoses, and you an easily google it and find the difference between the two. In some cultures it is more acceptable for women to abuse men, which would be an interesting study….
Hi Jordan Thanks for the reply re: BPD. I think its a choice, not mental illness but the choice to get help or not. In part its having people who will call you on your behaviour and not enable it – which is difficult to do for those around us but its also about wanting better for ourselves and not taking our pain out on others. I think in most cultures women abusing men is not accepted as something that happens or even seen, whereas a man doing similar actions (whatever they may be) is seen as definite abuse. I… Read more »
Jordan – Great article! I’m out of a 6-yr relationship with a woman with BPD. Im the consummate rescuer/hero/MrNiceGuy – I thought I could “fix” her! What a perfect storm! I was so ignorant of BPD until about the last year of the relationship when I read Stop Walking on Eggshells (a therapist recommended it). I think the most devastating thing is that I loved her so much and there were truly (at least I believe they were honest) loving moments. I also believe that on some level she really did know what was going on but was terrified to… Read more »
I appreciate the article, as I am all for supporting men who have been abused, and bringing light to more things that can be considered abusive, for either sex, into light, and encouraging people to get out of the abuse cycle and seek healing. I only hope that we, as a world population, can begin to draw lines in the proper areas to discern the difference between a good person and a bad person, without mentioning mental health status. This paints a very ugly picture and only adds to the stigma that good people with BPD or Narcissism face. As… Read more »
Hi Al, Thank you for your feedback around stigmatism. Unfortunately, this exists, and the people who are abusing fit the qualities of these diagnoses. I preferred to use the term skilled victim as to not drive it home, as there are some people, perhaps yourself, who are recovering from this and may not abuse. Regardless, abuse is abuse and needs to be called for what it is … Narcissistic. Some personality disorders tend to abuse; it’s a reality – one that we all really need to wake up to. The article is not about shaming PD’s, it’s about empowering the… Read more »
Great article Jordan! I have been through this twice… I was married for 6yrs the 1st time & 11yrs the 2nd time. No matter what I did, it was NEVER enough & when our children were born, BOTH TIMES things took a turn for the worse. It was almost like they were jealous of the attention that their own kids were receiving from me, their father. Neither one of them had their biological fathers in their lives growing up & I definitely saw a lot of similarities in both of their upbringing.
Yeah, it sounds about right Edmond. Thanks for sharing that. We repeat and repeat until the hammer is done laying its weight to the sword. Then, we pick it up and say, “now, I am ready to really live”.