Dr. Margaret Rutherford asks the tough questions about men and suicide so that we can more effectively get men suffering from depression to reach out to get the help they need.
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“He’s killing himself”.
With work. With guilt. With alcohol. We have all described it. Watched it.
Now, in the last decade, men are literally committing suicide. In record numbers.
I am tired of it for them. For our culture. For our world.
If men could admit more easily that they are depressed. Or ashamed. Addicted. Lonely. Angry. Or in trouble.
Tired of it because it’s so incredibly sad for them. Tired because there are spouses, parents, friends and children who are left behind. Who loved these men.
I don’t want to feminize men. I value the differences between men and women. But suicide rates in the US are rising sharply, especially in middle-aged and older men. This New York Times article suggests that that perhaps baby boomers are facing issues not faced in prior years or have access to more deadly medications.
Whatever the reason, they are not seeking help. And dying.
I had a male patient once look at me after about 10 sessions. An attorney had referred him to me. His life, when first seen, was a mess. His anger had been a problem in his family. Now, things were not “fixed,” but much better. He was making far different choices. Had figured out and felt what was underneath some of his actions.
“I don’t know what exactly has happened here but it has worked. To come and get things off my chest. To talk about things I just didn’t realize were bugging me from a long time ago. Now so much of it makes sense.”
He had taken a psychology course years before. Had basically thought it was a bunch of hogwash. And said so. Frequently.
That same scenario has happened in my office many times. Men discovering that making connections with past hurts and trying to heal them can change their lives. Whether it happened in childhood. Or a relationship. In the military. Or a gang.
There are vast differences in what defines a man. Regional differences. Cultural. Spiritual. Probably traveling from county to county in some states, you would find what men say about themselves would vary.
Just as women’s roles are changing, so are men’s.
Something I noticed in the Super Bowl commercials this year was the preponderance of ads featuring men as Dads. Dove for Men’s commercial. ” What makes a man strong? Showing that he cares.” Sure. They were driving hot cars and admiring women with big boobs. But we are acknowledging as a culture that men have much to give to their families. A vital role to play.
If they don’t kill themselves first.
What is preventing men in 2015 from recognizing if they need help? And can receive it?
I asked myself what one psychologist in Fayetteville, Arkansas could do.
I can ask questions. I can have a conversation with men. I can interview men. About therapy. About why you might come to therapy. And why you might not come to therapy. About whether or not you would even consider that you are depressed or not.
I want men to tell me if they believe that they can be depressed. And if they would get help.
I have designed a survey. It’s anonymous. It will only take a minute or so. I am interested in hearing from both groups. Those who would. And those who would not. It won’t be entirely”scientific.” Not a randomized double-blind clinical study. But it will gather important information. I am asking bloggers and websites all over the country to run the survey. I have a team that will analyze the results and present them in several months.
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I am asking for your help. If a woman, please show this post to the man in your life. If a guy, please consider taking. Please share the post with others.
I am hoping that if we understand more of the reason that men do or do not make certain choices, that we can reach out differently. Ask ourselves questions about how treatment is designed. Look for answers to the problem.
Here is the link to the survey:
Just click and it will take a minute or so to take.
If you tweet, please tweet this out:
I will not be able to tell you in person. But thank you so very much. Dr. Margaret
This post was planned and written prior to the Germanwings disaster and unbelievable tragedy. The perpetrator of that crime, suffering from mental illness, was seeking help but allegedly not using it well or appropriately. All our hearts grieve for those affected. I am also sure that those suffering from obsessions with fear of flying are having a hard time as well. Please care for yourselves.
If you have any questions or comments that you would like to address to me privately, please do so at [email protected].
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This post originally appeared at drmargaretrutherford.com and is republished on Medium.
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Photo credit: Shutterstock
Depression can happen for many reasons, whether it’s because of your past, or maybe even a recent event… but one thing is for sure, you don’t have to remain in this state of suffering….. You can change that!
I happened to find this author who helped save my life. He has now written the things he told me, that saved me from my awful depressive disease, into a book! Please go check it out and support him! It’s free for the next 4 days! http://www.amazon.com/Depression-Powerful-Naturally-Overcome-Anxiety-ebook/dp/B01AYCJEYG
Nicely written piece, Margaret.
I agree that most men hide their depression because they feel ashamed and lonely.
We’ve just finished a guide on depression which we hope will help lots of people struggling with this illness. Mind if I send you the link?
Without digressing too much I believe the way society values mental health specifically men’s mental health is essentially a killer of men, and a slightly deeper root cause of a lot of gender equality and misogyny issues we face. The surface level of this may seem like masculinity as perpetrated by our culture is preventing men from getting help or even knowing when they need help. However if we think more deeply about this the story doesn’t stop there. The value that we place on the mental/emotional sanctity of men I would argue is far below that of feminine genders… Read more »
“We don’t care as much about how men feel”… I agree that our culture gives men a lot of mixed messages about their feelings. Especially in how it is okay or not okay to show them. And those messages start very young. I think you make some wonderful points. Thank you for your words about the post and I will be writing more about the results in the next coming weeks. Comments like yours are extremely helpful in shaping my own understanding. And of course others who might read.
I’ve found that too many men, women, clinicians, and the general public don’t recognize the symptoms of male depression. This became evident to me when my wife and I went to a treatment weekend for our son who was having problems with drugs. A depression questionnaire was given to the family members. She scored high (i.e. depressed) and I scored low (i.e. not-depressed). She came back home, saw a therapist, was diagnosed, treated, and our lives improved greatly. She thought I was also depressed. But I denied it, citing my low scores on the depression questionnaire. I admitted I was… Read more »
I will look forward to giving your work a read Jed. My experience has certainly been that women and men’s depression can present quite differently. And one of my thoughts is that it’s really the covertness of the depression – its hidden nature that makes that so. Women can actually experience that as well. Although they might seek treatment more readily than men. Thanks so much for commenting.
As a man who was depressed, I can tell you that I didn’t know I was. Not for a long time. I knew something was wrong, but I thought depressed people go around all of the time with their head hung low, being sad and knowing that they are depressed. I like to think of myself as a man who is pretty well in touch with his feelings, but the depression thing just didn’t feel like what I had been ‘programmed’ to believe depression looked, tasted, smelled and felt like. Movies, the media, so many sources telling us what depression… Read more »
I so agree Neal. I think you are right on target. “How to get men to realize they actually are depressed”. Terrence Real wrote a book years ago about just that, “I Don’t Want To Talk About It”. It describes the underground nature of men’s depression. Great point. Thanks.
First we need to offer them help before we can expect them to take it.
That’s a good point Dizy. And what kind of “help” would they accept? Maybe we are not reaching out to men in creative ways. That would appeal to them. That’s what I am hoping to find out. Thanks so much for your comment.
“They are ashamed, addicted, guilty, and lonely…”
Such a dilemma….I have tried my best to support a few angry and depressed people…it always blew up in my face…at some point, I realized they truly did not want help or advice….they just wanted someone to watch them implode….I could not watch any further self-destruction..so I was forced to cut off contact…it affected my family, too…so my husband had to cut off contact, too, to two old friends…we could not help them anymore without getting burned….
It can be very difficult to try to support someone who is depressed Lela. Especially if they cannot or don’t seem to able to do what they need to do to crawl out of that hole. Or sometimes are actively engaged in self-destructive behavior. Often, however, those with depression – who admit to depression – can be helped. Slowly. It depends on many circumstances. It sounds as if your experience was very hard for you, your husband and your family. Thank you so much for writing.