Why a man who overcame an eating disorder to lose 160 pounds still struggles to believe he’s lovable, worthy, and sexy enough to deserve to be happy.
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Based on my Instagram and Facebook account you would “like” my life too.
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People tell me I look like Tom Cruise. I am an actor and filmmaker living in Los Angeles. I have a day job with a kind boss and coworkers I call friends. I’m 32 years old, and healthy. I do yoga sort of regularly and my downward dog is on point. Based on my Instagram and Facebook account you would “like” my life too.
But I am a fraud. I’m not who you think I am.
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But I am a fraud. I’m not who you think I am. Underneath, I have excess skin from years of compulsive eating and a body that has held upwards of 340lbs. My skin hangs a bit loose and deflated like my emotions. Unable to recover from the way I have stretched myself to my limits.
I experienced the emotional effects of Alcoholism and drug addiction on my family. I was bullied on a regular basis. I was pinched, poked, and grabbed. I remember begging the kids to stop. I felt like a prisoner in my own body.
I compared myself to other men. I would never be enough.
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I drove myself deeper into the food and never ending shame. It comforted me. I compared myself to other men. I would never be enough. The only thing real was the self-hatred residing in my head. At 340 lbs self-hatred is pretty simple. I was just not deserving of love… romantic or otherwise.
I was consumed with the obsession to control my weight and my eating. I was out of control. Circumstances collided. I didn’t have a food or weight problem. I had an addiction problem. I hit bottom, and I sought help. That was the easy part.
I judge myself for walking around thin. I judge myself for being given a chance at really living.
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Eight years later, at a healthy body weight, I’m still in an abusive relationship with myself. I have no one else to blame. I’m unlovable, unworthy, not man enough, not sexy enough, not talented enough. I have strained my relationships as I struggle to own my self worth. “Clingy” may be the appropriate word. I sit in front of a blank computer scared to take artistic risks. I judge myself for walking around thin. I judge myself for being given a chance at really living. But something’s happening.
I’m at a pivotal moment. Am I a boy becoming a man? Am I allowed more than one transformation? I’m still striving to believe I deserve the first one.
I am reconnecting to myself. Slowly. Painfully. Beautifully.
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This shift in my life could be defined in many ways. Growing up, transforming, a psychic change. In the middle of my chest I feel a tight pull and sometimes I cry. When I sit quiet it makes sense. I am reconnecting to myself. Slowly. Painfully. Beautifully. As if my own soul is guiding me back into my body. No longer detached. No longer needing to have all the answers, judgments or conclusions. Hell, that’s the shit I ate over.
Some days I feel like I just don’t fit in the world. Which makes perfect sense. I didn’t fit into a lot of things at 340lbs.
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Some days I feel like I just don’t fit in the world. Which makes perfect sense. I didn’t fit into a lot of things at 340lbs. But each day it gets a little better as the world gives me opportunities to share my experiences. With each opportunity to simply be me, I’m starting to feel comfortable in my own skin. Excess or not.
I can relate to much of this. Everyone’s story is different, so some of this I don’t know, or haven’t experienced, but part of it rings true to me as well. I’ve also lost nearly 160 pounds. I was 49 years old and weighed 424.4 pounds almost exactly 3 years ago. I am down to 278.6 now. I’ve lost all of my weight from proper nutrition and exercise. I haven’t taken any pills, had any surgeries, or gone on any fad or dangerous diets. I also decided to start running a little over 2 years ago. At the age of… Read more »
I loved to read this story. I didn’t watch the video because to be honest, I don’t need to. I am a 35 year old woman who just lost 95 lbs in the last year. I have the same body issues as you Matt. I applaud you because you have done what few have ever done, admitted their problems. That’s crucial. In the last year, I had to breath life back into myself, to remind myself of my value, to forgive myself when I fail. You’ve got this Matt! You are lovable, just not loved by everyone. That had nothing… Read more »
Great article and thanks for the share.
I love this video. I hate this video. I love that it is creating more awareness about binge eating disorder in men. I hate that the message is wrapped up in egocentric selfie-ism. Overcoming an eating disorder and achieving and maintaining a healthy body weight is about one thing: Health (which subdivides into physical, emotional, mental and spiritual health). It is not about trying to look like Tom Cruise, or having a cool Instagram account. Becoming as healthy a person as possible is the most important thing in the world. And it should be taken more seriously than the way… Read more »
Maybe if you knew the boy/man behind the story you would understand his love for selfies. If you knew Matt you would be very happy for him and not criticize his method of getting his story to people.
You must not have watched the whole video. This is extremely vulnerable and he clearly understands that it is a deep challenge.
The way that it came across to me is that he seems like the average happy go lucky guy with a lot of confidence, but in fact he’s dealing with some internal struggles. I think you’re being a little critical and not focusing on what the message is. Each persons struggle is different and so their story will be presented in a different light. No right or wrong. I think this seems to be a very honest testimony that, in my opinion, took a lot of bravery to share. Thank you for sharing this Matt!