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Men,
Stop trying to fix your woman’s problems and just be with her.
Communication can get so lost between men and women. There are many books that reference this dynamic: Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus; The Way of The Superior Man; Mating In Captivity. All discuss the varied and vast dynamics that interplay when men and women come together. One of the most common miscommunications is this strange thing happens between men and women when they communicate that can really seem as though we are living on different planets.
In my opinion, women communicate to build closeness; men communicate to problem solve.
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You know what I’m talking about. She shares something with you that has been stressing her out all day. You listen, assess, analyze, and you offer her a solution in an attempt to be a supportive and loving boyfriend or husband. And then . . . she becomes stubborn, complaining even more, won’t take your idea into consideration. Puzzled, you try to drive the point home again maybe from a different perspective, but nothing! She won’t hear it. So what the hell went wrong?! You thought offering her a solution to fix it would make you a loving supportive boyfriend, yet she is still unsatisfied! The differences between the emotional needs of men and the emotional needs of women mean that conversations can often get stuck in this dance of “he tries to fix it, she doesn’t want it to be fixed”.
In my opinion, women communicate to build closeness; men communicate to problem solve.
Men tend to be more predisposed to intellect, reason and problem-solving. This means that when men communicate, whether it’s to discuss ideas, share opinions, or talk about a project or task, they tend to be more focused on the “A to B”, the solution, the problem-solving aspect of the conversation. If there is a problem or perceived problem, most men will naturally consider a solution to propose. Many times there are solutions that are needed. For those moments when she is sharing her thoughts, her feelings and the challenges she faces, it is important to understand where women are coming from when they communicate. Understanding these differences in your relationship will be your best friend!
The very act of talking and sharing gives women a sense of release, connection, and intimacy with whomever they are sharing with.
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Because of the biological differences, women have more of a propensity towards bonding and relationship-building. In tribal communities, because women were the more vulnerable members of society, they developed skills to bond and form relationships that strengthened their ties to the community. This influences the way that women communicate, form relationships, and develop bonds with others. When women communicate, they often communicate to develop a bond and in doing so they share their thoughts and their feelings, not to come to any conclusion, but to relieve tension and share a common, connected feeling with one another. The very act of talking and sharing gives women a sense of release, connection, and intimacy with whomever they are sharing with. This creates an unspoken social agreement that says, “I am letting you see me fully. I am being vulnerable by sharing my struggles with you.” That type of vulnerability ultimately brings two people together over the common bond of being human and understanding the challenges that we all face.
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So what can you do as her man? Her partner? Her beloved?
Just simply BE with her without trying to fix it or offer a solution. Have empathy, have understanding, so that you can listen not just to figure out a solution but so that you can fully understand what it is that she is feeling. Listening without trying to fix it says, “I understand how you’re feeling. I love you and I’m here for you.” It is empathy in action. It offers her a safe space to share what is going on for her inside and trust that you will be there for her without judgment, without criticism, and without needing to “fix” her. Empathy says you see her, you hear her, you understand her and that you are there for her. Problem-solving can often make her feel like you’re not empathizing with her, like you don’t understand her, and that you don’t care about her feelings. It can feel like you’re saying to her “don’t be upset, I can fix you” when all she really wants to feel is one hundred percent safe to be herself and know that you can hold her and love her through the challenges. As women, we want to feel more of your presence. This requires the skill and ability to powerfully be in the present not only with her and her emotions but your own as well.
The more skilled you are at being with yourself, the more empathy you will develop for others. The more empathy you can access within yourself, the more presence and resonance you will be able to have with your partner. And the more that this energy can dance between you and your partner, the more deep connection and intimacy you will experience together.
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What’s your take on what you just read? Comment below or write a response and submit to us your own point of view or reaction here at the red box, below, which links to our submissions portal.
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Photo credit: Getty Images
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No. I am not your emotional tampon. It is selfish and disrespectful for you to expect me to listen to you complain about the same things over and over again, and then not do anything about it. It is exhausting and torturous for a man to listen to problems, but not address them. Frankly, it also makes you look stupid and immature. If you want to vent, call your mom, sister or girlfriend. If you want help, I’m always here. I have absolutely no qualms immediately dumping a woman who just wants to complain. I’d rather be single.