This topic has been hard-earned for me, as it has for many women. I have been with exactly three serious relationships in my life with men. Each of them had serious “mommy issues”. They all looked very different at the outset, but at the very heart of it all, they were the same. And the results were not good.
How do you even know if they have “mommy issues?” How do you find out LOOOOOONG before you cuddle them, sleep with them, or get too attached?
If I am really honest, my ex-husband had a strange attachment to his mother…and his sisters. He talked sweetly about them all, supposedly got irritated with the attention his mother gave him (which was incredibly nauseating), and subsequently forgot her birthday every year. He didn’t call or send her anything of his own accord. If anything got sent or she got called, it was because I reminded him, repeatedly.
Holidays were weird. He hated holidays…all of them. He didn’t call home on Mother’s Day without reminders. He didn’t do anything for her for Christmas either. And that all overflowed into our life together.
Valentine’s Day, Mother’s Day, my birthday, Christmas…it didn’t matter the holiday, he didn’t celebrate it. I always had to bring it up and make plans if I wanted something to happen. On our anniversary, he often took me to dinner. The experience was so stilted, however, that it was rarely enjoyable.
Even when his mother died, he didn’t spend his own money to fly home to attend to things. He found a friend who sported him the miles. And he came home before the funeral, just a few days later. He hated funerals. He had and still has a completely avoidant attachment style. This has rolled over into his relationships with his kids as well. We live with it every day.
He has an inability to nurture relationships. He can start them, woo someone, charm someone. But in the end, that “someone” had better not need him for anything. He doesn’t go there.
The man who I was with after him was someone who also had great rifts in his relationship with his mother. He was older, so she was waaaaayyyy older than I. I got to meet her once and she was a lovely, sweet older lady with a lot of talent and great style. Impressive.
But, what that man had experienced as a child was far different than what my ex-husband had. My ex had been coddled…and I mean coddled on every level. His mother was a traditional 50’s housewife, full of worry and concern for her babies, and rarely left the kitchen, except to go to church or get a mani-pedi. She and I didn’t jive. I was raised on a farm. Dirt is life. She swatted flies and cleaned the entire time she visited our farmhouse. It was NEVER going to be clean enough. She’d pop on her purple rubber gloves and just go for it. I didn’t mind, however. I just knew she wasn’t “my people”. (those of you who know what living in the Midwest farmland in the summer is like will get this)
Rebound man, as I might honestly call him…his mother abandoned them. After his father died, his mother kinda went off the “deep end”, so to speak. I am sure she was doing her best. I mean, who can deal with that kind of grief well? She had several children and her husband was her source of income, her partner, and companion. Yes, I think he had had affairs and things were financially difficult. But, still, it’s a husband. And she wasn’t going anywhere.
No shaming here, folks. I am a single mom as well. I raised my kids essentially on my own even before the ex finally left. And I have, many times, felt like I was going to lose my shit, get in my car, and drive away…forever. It’s an incredible load to haul. And so many of us are doing just that.
He didn’t have a good relationship with his mother, either. They didn’t talk much and he had not processed any of the grief of his childhood yet…despite being a therapist himself. Why is it that so many mental health practitioners do not get the help they need and assume that they have the skills needed to help others? I swear!
We traveled together. And as we traveled the thing that was most beautiful about me, to him, was the fact that I was a mom. Not just any mom. I am intensely in love with my kids. My life of self-sacrifice was begun with my ex, but continued through my children. And that was something he had never seen in his mother. And it had paid off with my kids. They are-difficult as parenting is-amazing and powerful individuals.
Over time, he gained the confidence to spend more time with her. We even went to dinner one night at her place. She is a lovely, lovely woman. But, his hurts were deep.
I think he has done a lot of work around that now and that makes me happy for him. But it makes me happier for her. As mothers, we can forgive ourselves for all of our mistakes. And we need to!
But, if our children refuse to revisit their pain, it gets between us and them, and we all suffer. For years and years, we suffer.
The third man (more of a boy) had a terrible relationship with his mother. She is a lovely woman as well. But, enabled the shit out of him, nurturing him straight into a personality disorder-just like my ex-mother-in-law. Ladies, really?
He, of course, felt like his mom never listened. He felt judged and full of shame around his relationship with her. “She like my ex more than me.” “She never understands anything I say.” “She believes all of the bad things she hears about me.” “She is neurotic and ridiculous.” “She has to medicate herself to be functional.” So many accusations. And no asking questions.
That’s the big red flag around emotional maturity-if a man makes assumptions and doesn’t ask questions. If his assumptions sound like accusations-not even well thought out accusations-you are in trouble.
Because when the rubber hit the road and things started to be bumpy for us, all of those accusations found a way into our relationship.
Clue #1: If a woman’s body is pain, is hurting, is shaking, is not stable (either body or mind), it’s not her. Something in her environment is ganging up on her and covertly destroying her.
ASK SOME FUCKING QUESTIONS IF YOU CARE ABOUT HER!
Lucky for his having me in his life, his mom and him can almost have a conversation now. She and I talked a lot. He and I talked a lot. Many of these conversations were simply around how to see things from the other’s perspective…where the hurt was located. And only then could they work on the pain. The man-boy began therapy and got an accurate diagnosis for the first time in his life. Of course, it was BPD. So, his kids began therapy as well. And his parents paid for it. I did good, I have to say. It wasn’t my work to do, but I did it. I don’t regret that part of my relationship with him at all. It needed doing.
But no matter, he had no ability to hold a woman…to have a relationship with a whole woman. That’s a lot of work for an emotionally immature person. And he wasn’t ready.
So, three men down, I find myself looking forward with a new perspective. No, a guy doesn’t have to be in love with his mother…please Oedipus had that all covered, guys. But, love your moms. Forgive them for being human, for even failing you. They were growing up, too. They loved you and did their best. Yes, sometimes our best totally sucks. But yours does too. And you don’t walk around shaming the shit out of yourselves because of it. And if you do, please stop!
Women, be careful. And men, please evaluate the quality of that most important relationship. No matter what you think, your relationship with your mother does flow over into your intimate relationships, like it or not. My life is proof of that. Each woman’s life is proof of that. Be mature enough to forgive your moms and recognize their love, whatever form it took. Get some therapy, and LET IT GO! Thank you.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
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 Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box |
 The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer |
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Photo credit: Jordan Whitt on Unsplash
