Men’s Greatest Fear

Strength is not what we might think

We all know men who work hard to appear strong and tough. They lift heavy weights at the gym,  speak in deep, loud voices and act like nothing can hurt them. But this tough exterior can be just a mask, behind which there is a very different set of feelings. Many of these men feel a secret fear, and surprisingly, the person they fear most is often a woman. And it’s this hidden fear which is often the root cause for male gender violence !

To understand, and try to change this, we must look below the surface to see why some men fear women, how they try to hide it, and how this hidden fear can turn into damaging behaviour

Why fear?

The fear of women usually begins early in childhood. Every human baby depends completely on a caregiver to survive, and in most families, that primary caregiver is a mother. To a tiny child, a mother is all-powerful. She gives food, warmth, and love; but she also has the power to take those things away, and all too often there isn’t an older man in the family that he can turn to for reassurance. If a boy grows up feeling helpless or controlled by a powerful woman, that feeling can stay with him and as he grows older, the deep feeling of being small and powerless remains inside him.

Hiding in the Man Box

As these boys become adult men, society tells them that ‘real ‘men must always be in control; they must never show weakness or be vulnerable. This inhuman standard, which tries to negate the feelings of tenderness and vulnerability that are an essential part of being human and having the capacity to love, creates a painful conflict. The man wants to feel powerful, but when he looks at a woman, his childhood feelings return. He worries that she can see through his tough act, and fears she will judge him, reject him, or worst of all, laugh at him. To him, a woman’s rejection feels like a loss of his manhood, or even worse, of his value as a human being.

Power over instead of empowerment

When people are deeply afraid, they usually react in one of two ways; they either run away (flight), or they attack (fight). A man who is afraid of women can’t run away from half the world’s population. So, he may choose to attack, using anger and control to hide and numb his fear. If he can make women feel small, he feels big; if he can make women feel weak, he feels strong. He acts tough to convince himself, and the world, that he’s in control. But this isn’t true strength, which is often quiet and calm; it’s a fragile performance based on fear, and when a man feels his control slipping, his actions can become extreme and dangerous.

Drug  madness

One type of abuse that has been in the news a lot lately, is the non-consensual drugging of a spouse. A fearful man can’t handle an equal partner who has her own voice, her own desires, or the power to say no. By secretly giving his wife drugs or sedatives, he removes her ability to choose; and takes away her consciousness and her voice. When she’s asleep or helpless, she can’t reject him or make him feel small, and for a short time the man feels like he has absolute control, and can forget any anxieties he might have about his virility or his status as a man, even though he is harming a woman that he supposedly loves. Sharing this experience with other men reassures them all that they are in the same manly ‘tribe’ in spite of their fearful and abusive behaviour

Rape culture

This same desperate need for control drives the crime of rape. Some people still mistakenly believe that rape is about sexual desire. It’s not; rape is a crime of power, control, and anger.

When a man rapes a woman, he is trying to destroy her power and prove to himself that he can force his will upon her. He takes away her dignity and her freedom, and by breaking her down, he falsely believes he’s building himself up.

Child abuse

The fear of adult women can also drive men toward the horrific crime of child sexual abuse. A child is small, innocent, and lacks life experience, and cannot judge a man the way an adult woman can or easily defend themselves. To a weak and fearful man, a child represents zero threat to his ego. By abusing a child, the abuser experiences a sick sense of absolute power without any risk of rejection.

Understanding can lead to change

Recognising and understanding these fears doesn’t mean we should feel sorry for these men. Their actions cause immense pain, trauma, and destruction to innocent lives, and there is no excuse for that. However, understanding the root cause of male gender violence can provide us with ideas for action that may be effective in reducing it.  It shows us that toxic masculinity—the idea that men must be ruthless, silent, and dominant—is dangerous for everyone, including the men that it’s supposed to protect, because it creates fearful men who express their anxiety through violence, or flock to manosphere influencers who, for a price, will reassure them that they have the kind of protective strength that their inner weakness makes them crave

The way forward

To stop this cycle, we must change how we raise boys, and especially teach them that it’s okay and completely normal for everyone, including men, to feel weak or sad sometimes. Vulnerability isn’t something to be ashamed of but is an essential part of being a full human being. And  true strength doesn’t come from dominating others or wearing a tough mask, but from self-awareness, respect, and the ability to view women as equal human beings rather than threats to be overcome.

Hopefully as more men come to understand and experience this in their own lives, and learn more about the source and meaning of real happiness, we’ll see the emergence of a world in which all men and women can feel safe and fulfilled.

—

iStock image