How it starts?
You’ve been dating someone; everything is going well in your relationship.
You are comfortable in the union building a routine together. The new sparks fade. But this is the norm; the mystery of this partner is evaporating. You know them better now.
The relationship moves further along and feels steady. These days, your partner is a lot more attached to their phones. For some? Every day, they have fresh stories about one specific work friend. This person always comes up whenever you talk.
Now, you think you have to compete.
And you are curious about why someone else attracts so much of their attention. You don’t trust your partner’s actions or their friend’s intentions. You partner isn’t hiding anything from you. But you don’t feel comfortable, and it annoys you to know you are not getting as much of their time.
It doesn’t even matter that they’re honest.
They tell you about their work best friend. Or keep their phone unlocked around you like they used to do before. It all doesn’t matter. Instead, you think that someone could be your replacement.
…
What is micro-cheating?
It’s friendly attraction to someone else.
“Micro cheating refers to acts of seemingly trivial, inappropriate behaviors that occur outside of one’s devoted relationship, often done unintentionally.”
“Many people may not consider these behaviors infidelity, since there’s no sex involved, but micro cheating can breach a couple’s spoken or unspoken norms, trust, and boundaries in other ways. Although micro cheating doesn’t always result in a full-blown affair, it could lead to relational problems down the road.” — Choosing Therapy.
Your partner fantasizes about someone else. Or they flirt but never start having sex with the person.
This micro-cheating partner? They get a rush from meeting someone new and learning about them. They even try to share this with you by telling you about a work best friend or a new fascinating text buddy.
But to you, it seems like infidelity because the focus is not on you as much anymore. You partner doesn’t have anything else new to talk about except this person of interest. They may also want to try different activities, which makes you even more suspicious.
Photo by Shutterstock.com
It’s normal
It’s natural for partners to fantasize about others.
“According to NYC-based Psychotherapist and Relationship Specialist Lisa Brateman, “micro-cheating” is a bit of an unfair term. When you think about it, most people in relationships dabble in some form of micro-cheating at some point, and that’s completely normal.” — Men’s Health
…
Then why does it get called cheating?
Your partner isn’t blind to your reaction. They see it. They notice how frustrated and angry you become when they mention a specific someone.
Imagine. Your beau doesn’t want to cut this person out of their life. They also don’t want to upset you anymore. Secrecy becomes the solution, and it appears like cheating.
They don’t want to talk to you about the person because they know how you will react. Then do their best to hide new interactions and feelings from you. Hiding details is harmful to trust in a committed relationship.
- Hiding details = micro-cheating.
- Physical or emotional intimacy = cheating.
What does it mean for your relationship?
Please stop if you feel the need to overact or accuse your partner.
When partners drift, it’s common to blame one another. But it is both of you against the problem.
Micro-cheating is a sign your partner’s needs are not getting met in the relationship.
- No compliments. Dress up for a person who notices them.
- No attention. Often on the phone with someone who wants to talk.
- Removes ring and flirts a lot. The person feels unsexy in your eyes or unsatisfied in the bedroom.
- Pushing you to someone with feelings for you. It is a test or an introduction to separation and seeing other people.
- Stalking their ex. Someone is not over their ex-partner, and you don’t compare in the needed ways.
It could have been an act to avoid your reactions. It could be that your partner isn’t ready to admit they have feelings for someone else.
Remind yourself the reason for micro-cheating isn’t known. Stay calm and have a conversation about the behavior.
Ask your person how they would feel if you did similar acts. Establish boundaries and ways to fill the missing emotional gaps in your relationship.
You cannot change how someone sees their micro-cheating actions. But if they gaslight you or refuse to consider your feelings, you can re-access your union. Not everyone who micro-cheats will cheat. It all depends on if they see their secrecy and flirting as a path to cheating when you define boundaries.
Someone who wants to make a relationship work will consider giving less attention to outsiders.
…
Thank you for reading this post.
—
This post was previously published on medium.com.
***
You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
—
Photo credit: iStockPhoto.com