At the age of 29, I found out I was pregnant. I was also living with my dad.
In an attempt to find a way out of still living at home and feeling like an adult, I moved in with my boyfriend — the father. After two years of struggling to make ends meet, I suggested we move back in with my dad.
His house has five rooms, and he lives alone. Plus, he could use the extra financial support as he lost his job in 2016.
We moved in with my dad in January of 2020, and we’re making plans to move in with my boyfriend’s mom by January 2022.
Hawaii has the highest rate of multi-generational homes
At 7.72%, Hawaii has the highest rate of multi-generational dwellings in America. With the cost of living, it’s more of a necessity than a choice.
The tradition is to fall in love, get engaged, find a home, and make a family.
Well, we weren’t engaged or planning on marriage. We were preparing for a baby and everything it comes with.
The Good
Many may see the positives with moving in with in-laws or parents when you have a little one.
Baby-sitter is at home!
Not in our case. My father is unemployed, but I would never trust him to watch our daughter. I’ve caught him once too many times speaking to her either like a dog or a condescending tone (I’m too familiar with his style of parenting).
However, when we move in with my mother-in-law — though she’s working full-time — a night out will be easier to come by.
Help with chores
When someone else does the dishes, I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. After cooking a big meal, it’s nice to relax a little and not have to worry about cleaning up the kitchen.
My dad has taken up this task on various occasions. Mother’s guilt can catch up to me thinking it’s my job and that’s I slacked a little, but we deserve a break once in a while.
Other times, grocery runs are shared. This helps with one less stop on my schedule.
Finance
We were able to save by moving in with my dad and cutting our rent in half.
The bad
As a stay-at-home mom, I have a lot of “free time.” One of my pet peeves is having to make a stop somewhere because I’m on the road — usually with my daughter in tow.
If I’ve run to two other stores and I’m asked just to stop somewhere, it isn’t just a stop. If I’m without my daughter, it’s not a big deal.
In addition, it’s not easy sharing space with your parents. Most people move out to be able to create their own space. Creative differences or personal preferences could cause an awkward struggle.
Of course, parents tend to see their children as children and give unsolicited advice. These comments can feel condescending. My favorite response is, “it’s not like I was a parent or anything.” I remind myself that every kid is different, and I might just need to learn from my own mistakes.
The ugly
When it comes to parents and in-laws, insecurities and judgment will boil to the surface.
Mothers-in-law can have a lot of advice that may appear judgmental. It’s essential to take comments with a grain of salt.
My husband doesn’t care for my dad’s company — I don’t blame him. My dad is narcissistic and knows how to spin every conversation to include himself. Also, financially, we are now supporting my father. The tension this causes creates toxicity in the air. We’re moving at the end of the month, in with my mother-in-law.
My husband has voiced his concerns with me and his mother. She’s very kind and hardworking, but I feel as though there are judgments. Her comments are very blunt and come off as insensitive at times.
She was a single mother of three boys who worked full-time. She lost her oldest son to mental illness a few years ago. She cares for her mother and owns her own business on top of helping babysit her grandson on the weekends. I know she’s a very busy woman and is strong. She has been through a lot with a positive outlook on life.
I’m a stay-at-home mom with not a lot of problems. A husband who takes care of a beautiful, happy, healthy three-year-old girl and me. What do I have to complain about?
Without going down the rabbit hole, I know I’m blessed. I have a lot to be thankful for. I remind myself every day of how lucky I am. I do struggle with mental health — depression, and anxiety. Because I don’t work, I worry my mother-in-law assumes I am lazy by association since my dad has been unemployed for over three years. I know it’s all in my head, but it’s not an easy thought to have floating around up there.
Regardless, I’m happy that we will be moving in with her so that I can help.
Takeaways
It’s not easy to bite the metaphorical bullet and move back in with parents. You may consider your parents might feel the same. They’ve been living with you their entire lives and finally got rid of you. Regardless, parents will do anything for their children.
If you’re struggling as a family financially, it’s not a terrible idea to consider multi-generational living. There are family members who are too toxic to live with, and it’s not an option.
Weigh it out first and consider the pros and cons.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: Ekaterina Shakharova on Unsplash