My Dating Disasters Showed Me the Way to My Husband

I was dating (online) on and off for a couple of years before I met my husband.

It got to the point where I almost gave up hope of ever being able to find my Mr Right.

It wasn’t that all these Mr Wrongs were horrible, nasty people. They could easily have been someone’s perfect match, just not mine.

Or maybe they were exactly what I needed at that time because they all helped me discover the type of person I really wanted in my life.

So, if you are still working your way through some Mr Wrongs, don’t despair. They are helping you to discover what you don’t want.

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Mr Tattoo

His profile picture showed a tanned, slightly muscular man with tattoos. His bio told me he liked dancing.

He ticked a lot of boxes. I made the first move — he was my kinda guy.

Unfortunately, ticks on paper don’t always equal ticks in real life.

I tried so hard to find something that would get my stomach flipping, but after a few months of dating I had to admit, I was not sexually attracted to him. His exterior was appealing, but he had no va va voom. The longer I spent with him the more I got the ick.

I learned not to get my hopes up over a profile picture.

Mr Army

He was good-looking, softly spoken, had a great job, made me laugh and I was physically attracted to him.

Perfect!

However, as time went on, I realised he held opposing views, values, and morals to me. His rank within the Army gave him an air of superiority.

I understood that within the workplace he commanded a level of respect, but it filtered out into his civilian life, which was unnecessary.

He also held differing opinions about how children should be brought up. This came from us having completely different childhoods.

Regrettably, I called it a day. These differences made a future together prone to disagreements, resentment, and uncomfortable compromises.

I learned not to compromise on my morals and values, despite how physically attracted I was to someone.

Mr Bootycall

My life was going pretty well. I had decided to give the dating a rest for a while so what could be better than someone I could hook up with when I found myself with a free evening?

It sounded like a perfect arrangement, and I believed I was mature and open-minded enough to handle the non-committed, ad-hoc relationship.

It worked well for the first few dates, we had fun. But, I quickly realised that this situation can make you feel used and dirty.

It was nice to feel desired and I love a good flirt but this arrangement didn’t make me feel good about myself, so I called it a day.

I learned that I didn’t want this sort of relationship and that I’d rather be single if this was all that was on offer.

Mr No Kids

I thought that someone without kids would be perfect. They could just slot into my family unit.

I mistakenly believed that a man with no children would have no baggage. The truth was that he had a lot of baggage, hence the lack of commitments.

And he found it difficult to understand the level of impact having children has on your life. Spontaneity was something he enjoyed, it was something I didn’t have the luxury of.

I learned that only another parent could fully understand and accept my responsibilities.

Mr Long-Distance

It seemed so romantic. Months away then a few weeks together. Lots of telephone and video calls. I had been a single parent for years and liked my independence so I thought this would work well.

But it’s not as fun or romantic as it sounds. It’s lonely and most of the time I felt like I didn’t have a boyfriend at all.

The other issue was that this guy had worked away most of his life so enjoyed his own space. He found coming straight back to my hectic family life too much for him so would need a couple of days to “recalibrate” before coming to see me.

This was a red flag.

I learned that I wanted a full-time partner, not a part-time one.

Mr Convenient

On paper it should have worked, we chatted for ages and had sons at the same school, in the same year. I started visualising joint holidays with all our children messing around together.

It would be easy to get to know each other as we could meet for coffee at a moment’s notice and wouldn’t have to travel.

Unfortunately, he looked a lot different from his photos and I wasn’t attracted to him at all. This was such a shame, I had spent so much time chatting to him online! It had seemed so convenient.

I learned that the easy option isn’t always the best.

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Whilst most of these situations left me feeling disappointed and made me think I would never meet anyone, I kept going back for more.

Why? Because, deep down, I knew that there must be love out there somewhere.

I’d wallow in self-pity for a little while then brush myself and start again. Every time I started again, I had a little bit more knowledge about what I wanted or didn’t want and what could and couldn’t work.

I grew more aware of what was a deal breaker, became less attached to my type on paper, and more focused on how someone made me feel.

I was longer looking for phwoar or “that’ll do”. I wasn’t prepared to mould myself into someone else’s ideal partner and I wasn’t prepared to overlook things to transform them into mine.

I learned the biggest lesson of all — to love, respect, and listen to myself. (I know this sounds so cliche and isn’t easy but we really can’t attract the love we deserve until we recognise our true worth.)

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And then I came across a rather quiet guy who had a lot of kids, lived a bit too far away, and seemed to have a rather default miserable look.

Black and white images of two hands, each holding a piece of puzzle, that fits together perfectly.

But, he made me feel comfortable and made me laugh. He never played games and I was attracted to his quiet confidence and masculinity.

I didn’t set out to woo this man, fall head over heels in love with him, and get married.

But that’s exactly what happened.

Thanks to all those lessons learned I was able to recognise the potential in this man and appreciate all that he was without being blinded by the fact that he didn’t tick every box.

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Every Mr Wrong is moving you closer to your Mr Right.

If love is what you yearn for, keep looking and learning. It’s out there waiting for you to notice it in its true form.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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