My Failed 7-Year-Old Relationship Taught Me These 5 Things About What Love Isn’t

Break up is hard.

No matter if you are the one dumping, or being dumped.

Though, people tend to sympathize more with the one who has been dumped, it is equally bad for the one who is dumping. Especially if it were a serious relationship and not just a fling.

I know, because I broke up with my girlfriend after a 7-year relationship. When your relationship is 7 years old, it is all the more scary and tricky to get out of.

When I wanted to break up with my girlfriend, I was constantly torn apart between her good and bad qualities.

These 5 signs made me realise that she doesn’t love me, & helped me break up with her, without feeling terribly guilty.

These signs can help you, even if you have never been in a relationship to gain perspective on whether someone loves you truly or not.

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1. They Keep You Trapped

My gf knew that I was miserable in the relationship. She knew I am in the relationship just because of her repeated suicide threats.

In spite of that and my multiple efforts(3 to be specific) to break up with her, she would not let me go.

Kept me trapped with her, by threatening suicide or guilt-tripping me for my past mistakes. Mistakes I had long apologised for, and things that were way in the past.

It was her way of never letting me go.

If there is one thing, I have learned what Love is not, is that it is not selfish.

“Love is the antithesis of selfishness.”

She was being supremely selfish.

Only thinking about herself. If she had spared a thought about me, and seen my condition, she would have let me go.

Takeaway:
Love is about wanting the best for the other person.

“Love is: I want the best for you, even if it doesn’t include me.”- Dushka Zapata]

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2. Try To Cut Off Your Important Relationships

Every time I would talk to my friends or family on our time, she would get mad.

Now, if you try to look at her POV, it makes sense. It was unfair of me to give other people time, when it was supposed to be our time.

But you need to know this, to see it from my POV: We hung out almost daily. And when we did not hang out, we would talk on call. So we were in contact, every day. Which is again fine, given we were a couple.

But I used to talk to my friends, once or twice a week or 2 weeks. And those friendships mattered to me. They were my closest friends. Yet, she wanted to slowly cut them out of my life.

Takeaway:
A healthy partner encourages you to spend time with people other than yourself. Especially if those people are important to you.

It is important to hold space in your relationships.

3. Not Understanding(Or Worse Dismissing) What Is Important To You

I love sports immensely.

It is a part of my identity. Growing up, I played a lot of sports.

It is one thing that really gets me going. If you’d ever see me in a field, you can draw comparisons to how a dog acts when they are released onto a field!

That is how much I enjoy and relish sports.

My girlfriend knew it. And yet, she would never “allow” me to play sports at our time. Again, the analogy of the previous point holds here.

If I ever made plans to play with my friends, she would lose it. Say things like, “Grow up, and do something meaningful. Behave like a grown-up.”

It was deeply insensitive and disrespectful. She was making fun of something that was an integral part of my life.

I can only imagine, how amazing it would have been if she actually encouraged me to play. I would have gotten closer to her. Our relationship would have grown.

Takeaway:
Try to understand what really matters to your partner. And never make them feel bad about it. Healthy relationships are created when you respect differences.

You don’t have to understand everything your partner does. You just have to accept it, and probably come to appreciate it.

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4. My Way Or The Highway

They always want to have their way. If not, hell will rain down upon you.

Every time we disagreed, we would argue incessantly. Just trying to make our respective points, and never really listening or understanding.

A relationship where deep listening is not a habit can never blossom. Listening is a timeless love language. It is the bedrock of everything else in the relationship.

Make time for deep listening and understanding.

Takeaway:
Understand, to be understood.

And true understanding can only happen through true deep listening. Inculcating the habit of listening can transform your relationship.

5. Not Letting You Grow

Love is all about mutual growth.

When love starts to be a hindrance to your growth, it is time to look at the situation.

I had gained a lot of weight during the pandemic. So much so that, it led to me developing sleep apnea.

I knew I needed to lose weight. I needed to join the gym. All areas of my life were getting affected due to my OSA. I would sleep during classes, not remember stuff, would be perpetually low on energy, and have zero focus.

We used to talk at night from 10–10:30 pm to 12 or 1. (When things went well. If they didn’t, we would often end up talking and fighting till 2 or 3.)

I explained to her my situation and suggested that we cut short on our talking time because I need to sleep early to get up for the gym the next morning. She would not budge.

She made it very clear, that she would not cut on our talking time. No matter how much we talked, it was never enough. No clousure to the arguments. Talking about an existing issue, led to another issue being branched out. It was hell.

It was important for my growth, that I go to the gym and get healthy. And my relationship was coming in the way.

One of the strongest signs to test the strength of a relationship is to ask yourself: Am I growing in this relationship or am I getting worse?

If the answer is later, it is better to let go.

Takeaway:
A healthy relationship can only develop between two people when they are growing individually and also acting as a catalyst for each other’s growth.

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