My Girlfriend Holds Our Relationship Hostage Every Time We Fight!

Dear Dr. NerdLove: So my girlfriend struggles with jealousy and her ex bf cheating on her. I was dumb and got nudes from other women while we were dating. I explained it to her it was my fault and it had to do with my own insecurities. I worked on it with my therapist, knowing I seek acknowledgment with others.

Now it’s been 4 months of something. I’ve been good, no more incidents. But the problem is when we argue, every time she threatens that we should break up or that she had enough and starts to pack up. I struggle with abandonment issues, so I usually beg her to stay. After a while she stays and we move on.

Recently we had an argument when we we’re playing a game, I wasn’t paying full attention and didn’t listen to the question that was asked, which was “who is the prettiest girl in the room?” I just pointed to the person who was being most pointed too, and we ended up in an argument. I tried giving her space, last night she said we could live out our contract on the apartment as friends. She blamed me said I was hitting on those girls, I did not. For the most part I tried to talk with the boys to avoid conflict, but I get she lacks trust in me. At the moment, I’ve been sleeping on the couch. She removed the pics of us on Instagram (as she usually does). The difference is that I haven’t begged her to stay and groveled. I was unlucky and lashed out that she needs help with her jealousy. Please remember every time we argued this has been the case were we “break up”. Sorry for my English, not my native language.

Living Room Refugee

Break up with her, LRR. Do it and don’t look back.

Look, I’ll be honest here: what you did was dumb and bad. I don’t think it’s quite the sin that she made it out to be – and God knows people disagree with me about this – but it was something you shouldn’t have done. I get that you’ve got issues regarding seeking validation, but this was a conscious decision. It wasn’t exactly as though you were helpless to stop your hands from typing out the words or that you woke up one morning and discovered that you had a Jekyll/Hyde situation on your hands and your alter ego had done things without your knowledge. You’re the one who pulled that trigger, apparently multiple times. So to a certain extent, your girlfriend has the right to be angry with you about this.

But please notice very carefully that I said “to a certain extent”. There’s an appropriate level of anger and then there’s this shit. Especially since this seems to be part of a pattern for her and your relationship.

(I have questions and quibbles about the game you were playing that triggered the most recent issue because Jesus tapdancing Frog, that sounds like it was almost designed in a lab to spur fights between couples.)

This isn’t just her still being angry at you for violating a monogamous commitment, this is her holding your relationship hostage and using it as a weapon every time you have a disagreement. That’s the sort of thing that veers dangerously close into toxic behavior; she’s basically threatening to shoot the hostage every time she gets upset at you. That sort of all-or-nothing behavior is a form of control – give her what she wants or else – and it all but insures that nothing is ever resolved. You can’t have a meaningful discussion about problems in the relationships when one person’s response is to immediately start packing things up and threatening to leave. All this does is set things up so that either you give in unconditionally to whatever she wants or else the relationship is over. It’s impossible to have any sort of real resolution to issues – large or small – when everything is a relationship extinction level event. Nor is it fair to continually hold the sins of the past over someone’s head when you’ve supposedly resolved things. Either you’ve forgiven and moved on or you haven’t, and pretending the former when it’s really the latter is cruel at best. So now you’re stuck walking on eggshells and feeling obligated to give into her every demand, lest she throws a fit and walks out on you forever.

Especially if she knows that you’ve got abandonment issues. That’s just cruelty on top for no reason other than keeping you in line.

She’s weaponizing her “trust issues” and using them against you and to control you. I can understand what she’s doing and why; this is a form of emotional self-protection. She’s trying to ensure that she doesn’t get her heart broken again by making sure that it doesn’t happen again. She wants to ensure that she’s never in the position of being hurt like that and that others don’t have the opportunity to do it to her.

But there’s a world of difference between understanding what she’s doing and condoning it. Similarly, there’s a difference between asking for occasional reassurance when the anxiety weasels in one’s brain are fired up and this shit – especially when she’s also using your anxieties to fuel things.

While I have sympathy to being afraid of being hurt or rejected, that doesn’t give her the right to be a relationship terrorist or to demand that you manage her feelings and maintain her emotional state for her. It’s ultimately her responsibility to handle her insecurities and anxieties, not to offload them on you or to wield them like a club in order to enforce compliance.

I’m also entirely sympathetic to your having abandonment issues. But, my guy, you are begging someone to stay when you should be offering to pack her begs for her and call her an Uber. She has created a situation where you can never feel secure in this relationship. You are being put in a state of hypervigilance, where you have to be on constant alert for any changes in her mood, making any sort of moves she might see as an infraction and basically smiling at her as her “trust issues” shrinks borders of the world you’re permitted to live in into a smaller and smaller box. She’s giving you constant shit and if you don’t eat it and pretend like it’s steak, she throws another fit at you.

Well, it sounds to me like you need to go ahead and let the break up happen. Stop begging, stop acceding to her demands and just shoot the hostage yourself. Let her walk out the door and slam it behind her because, honestly? This is intolerable and it’s not going to change.

I get that you don’t want her to leave. I get that the idea of breaking up is painful and triggers a panic response. But let me ask you something: do you ever have a moment where you are able to relax and let your guard down? Do youhave even a minute in your day when she’s not demanding that you reassure her that you’re not committing sins against her, when you feel like you aren’t having to gauge her mood and current anxiety and adjust your behavior accordingly?

Let’s game it out: how long are you able to live like this if you knew that this was never going to change? Five years? A year? Four more months? A week? Because I promise you: it’s not going to change. Certainly not when you fold like paper every time. And even though you haven’t folded and begged this time, this has gone on for far too long. She’s shown no signs of actually making any changes and the toll its taken is just too much.

I’ve said many times that you don’t have to be in perfect mental or emotional condition in order to date, you just have to be in good working order. Well, she’s not, and honestly I’m not sure you are at the moment. But as it is, she’s dragging you down with her. The fact that you say she doesn’t trust you – and God knows she’s proven it with her actions – is the sign that this relationship is already over. It doesn’t matter whether you’ve broken her trust or she’s incapable of trusting. If she doesn’t trust you, regardless of the reason, the relationship simply can’t work. And if she can’t or won’t allow you to actually re-earn trust after you broke it? Then allowing you to believe that you can or have when you can’t or haven’t is just cruel.

You didn’t cover yourself in glory with the whole “getting nudes” issue, but her behavior is worse and ongoing. This isn’t healthy and it’s hurting both of you. You can’t force her to get the help she desperately needs, but you can stop letting her continue to inflict this harm on you. We’re past compromises, past couple’s counseling and past “peaceful coexistence until the lease runs out”. This relationship is already dead; it just doesn’t seem like anyone is ready to acknowledge it while it shuffles around like a zombie. It’s time to take it out back, put two in its dome and bury it in the yard. Let her move out; if you can’t, break the lease and call any penalty the price of getting free of this because it’s not going to get better. It’s only going to get worse.

Break up with her and book more sessions with your therapist to work on these abandonment issues and to get reassurance that yes, this was intolerable. Maybe your refusing to dance this dance any further will be the slap to the face that’ll make her realize that she needs help.

But the important part is that she won’t be your problem any longer.

Will it hurt to tell her to get out? Absolutely. But that’s going to be the pain of debriding an injury and cleaning out the infection, the pain that precedes a festering wound finally being allowed to heal. The pain of ending things with her will fade, sooner than you realize, and I think you’ll realize that you’ll be able to breathe freely and easily for the first time in a long, long time.

Good luck.

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Dear Dr. NerdLove:

Me and my husband have been together 17 years. The past 2 months, he swears up and down that I have another boyfriend with a secret phone and ear phones. I know for a fact that I’m not seeing anyone else or have any secret devices. He has gone as far as sitting up cameras to watch me sleep. He says I talk to the other man in early hours of the morning. He has searched for these devices many times and they can never be found. He says that the videos are proof but when I look at the videos I don’t see what he sees. I talk in my sleep every night. He even talks in his sleep.

This has gotten to the point where he wants me to admit to it and break it off with the mystery man or he’s leaving me. I can’t even produce the mystery devices let alone break up with someone that doesn’t exist. I have apologized and beg that he believe me. But he says the video is concrete evidence that I am having an affair. I am at my wit ends with this.

Un-Secret Squirrel

Hoo boy.

USS, I need to be 100% clear here: Dr. NerdLove is not a real doctor of any stripe or form. I am a loudmouth with an advice column, not anything that could be considered to be a mental health professional and literally nothing I say should be taken that way. Because, I’m going to be real with you: this is the sort of thing that is far above my pay grade.

I have some questions, and I suspect having some answers will make it a lot easier when you do talk to a medical professional. Does your husband have a history of mental disorders, like bipolar disorder or depression? Has he started new medication recently or possibly stopped taking one? Has he had an accident or a sudden health emergency, like a stroke? Or maybe there’s been a traumatic incident recently – the loss of a family member, being fired from his job or a sudden change in your finances?

I ask because a sudden change like this – where he seems to have had a switch flipped in his brain – is worrying as hell. I think you need to get your husband to a psychiatrist or other mental health professional right away because it sounds like he’s had a psychotic break. What you’re describing – the paranoia, the seeming hallucinations, the conviction that you have secret communication devices, all of it – sounds to me like someone dealing with schizophrenia and this is very much the sort of thing you should be talking to a real doctor about, and preferably in person if you can.

The hard part is likely to be getting him to agree to see a doctor and be diagnosed. Part of the problem is that you aren’t going to get him to recognize that all of this isn’t real or that it’s irrational. It’s easier to work with his feelings and world-view to get him to listen and hopefully motivate him to get help. It’s a little like Judo in that way; you’re using his own momentum in order to help move him in the direction you want – getting help. Being empathetic and trying to address the things that he’s feeling or issue’s he’s having makes it easier to help make your goals (getting help) align. That may mean, for example, agreeing to go to couple’s therapy or something similar in order to get him to go.

What this isn’t is something that’s going to get better on its own, nor is it something you can reasonably manage on your own. Even playing into his delusion – “breaking up” with this mystery suitor – isn’t likely to make things better. This isn’t mere jealousy or feeling insecure about a perfectly innocent relationship you have with someone else. This is someone whose connection with reality seems to have broken and now he is seeing threats where none exist. You aren’t going to be able to argue or make rational connections because this isn’t coming from a rational place. Empathy is going to work a lot better – not agreeing and playing along, per se, but understanding how he feels and acknowledging that while the beliefs aren’t real, the emotions they’re inspiring absolutely are.

And quite honestly, they’re likely hellish for him. I know that right now it feels absurd and insulting and frustrating to be on the receiving end of his behavior. But he’s not doing this for shits and giggles. He’s not getting his jollies out of this. If you can accept that he absolutely believes this is all 100% real, then imagine how it must feel to him right now. The idea that you’re cheating on him and betraying him in these subtle, secret ways that he knows are there but can’t find or prove exist must burn like acid in his soul. The combination of certainty and being unable to prove it along with believing that you’re cheating? That sounds like the worst form of torture, like a nightmare you can never wake up from.

So I have a lot of empathy for the both of you right now. This is an awful situation for the both of you to be in.

I know words like “psychotic break” and “schizophrenia” sound scary and God knows there’s a lot of ableist bullshit myths around mental illness that make people with mental issues like this sound dangerous. The truth is that people who have mental issues like this are more in danger from other people than are likely to be a danger to others.

That’s why I would not suggest calling the police or emergency services unless he’s in immediate danger of hurting himself or someone else and you live in an area that has first responders for mental health crises. That’s far more likely to end with your husband getting hurt than anything else.

Incidentally, I’d also recommend that you talk to someone too while you’re dealing with this. This sort of situation is hard on everyone and caretaker burnout is very much a thing. Talking to a counselor – possibly even doing couple’s therapy when he’s more recovered can be helpful. Even when you know that none of this is ‘real’, it’s still painful to have your beloved husband accuse you of lying and cheating and it can put a strain on the relationship. Don’t forget to take care of yourself, even while you’re helping to make sure your husband is being taken care of, too.

This is a difficult and scary place to be, and I’m sorry you’re dealing with it. Talk to a doctor and work towards getting your husband to agree to get help. Then write back and let us know how things are going.

All will be well.

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This post was previously published on Doctornerdlove.com and is republished on Medium.

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