My oldest kiddo (19) is housesitting for a friend who had a last-minute family emergency.
I both love and hate when she is able to do things like that. I know she craves more independence, so I love it for her. I am so proud of her drive to succeed and her zest for life.
At the same time, I want to shrink her and make her be five and have pigtails again. I want to pull her into my lap and snuggle her while we watch silly cartoons, and she is content for me to be the center of her world. So I hate it for me.
Of course, I am glad she was able to help our friends when they needed it, and I am proud that she has the reputation of being a steady and responsible young adult. None of our friends hesitate to trust her with their houses and pets.
But who told her she could grow up, anyway?
Just kidding, just kidding.
. . . kinda.
Tonight, as she was packing her stuff for the week, her little sister (11) watched her with sad eyes. She misses her being here all the time. Though the oldest still lives at home, she has a very hectic schedule, and she works past the youngest’s bedtime a lot of the time, so some days they don’t even see each other.
I remember well how hard it was to watch my siblings walk out the door without me all the time, so my heart hurt for her as well as for me.
The light burst to life in those beautiful brown eyes when her big sister told her she could come along, though. She offered to take her to school in the morning if she wanted to spend the night with her in her new digs.
It was like the brightest rainbow, accompanied by the biggest pot of gold.
My youngest child turned into a completely different person.
There is nothing cooler than being allowed to stick your toe into the life of an older sibling when you are that age.
And there is nothing worse than my house right now.
Both of their rooms sit empty.
No noise.
No shuffling around when the youngest is supposed to be in bed.
No Insta memes playing in the background and the sound of my oldest laughing at the silliness that people post.
My house is horrible.
I do not enjoy my own company.
Of course, I have hours of work I need to get done before I can sleep tonight, so I don’t lack things to keep me busy, but the deathly and depressing silence makes it impossible to concentrate.
I have spent a decade working with the sounds of my life, my heart, playing in the same room with me.
I don’t like the soundtrack of an empty nest.
I do not like it, Sam I Am.
I am eternally grateful that the baby is still six and a half years from being an adult.
I am painfully aware of how quickly those six years will pass.
My oldest was in middle school yesterday, I swear to God, and here she is, a year into adulthood, the manager of a major retail store, and one of the most trustworthy adults I know.
It goes faster than you think.
Breathe in that baby smell.
Hold that sticky hand.
Wrap that too-heavy toddler in your arms for as long as you can.
One of these days, you will do all of those things for the last time.
And you won’t know till it’s over that it will never come again.
I am proud of these big girls of mine, and I ache for the little ones I have already said goodbye to.
This momma never wanted an empty nest.
Peace and love, y’all. ❤
© Melissa Gray 2023, All Rights Reserved
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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