Dr. Margaret Rutherford never thought she’d have to accept this part of herself. Here’s how she did.
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I didn’t want to have something “wrong” with me. Certainly not a mental disorder.
March 1984, The night I opened the doors into a big, swanky hotel lounge in Dallas, filled with friends, but mostly strangers. All having a good time. My heart started racing. My hands were sweaty. The walls of the room seemed to cave in. All I could see was a mass of people. No specific faces. I couldn’t breathe.
I turned around. Practically ran out.
I was having a panic attack.
Not my first. I had had them for at least 2 years. They were becoming more intense. More frequent.
I didn’t want to admit there was a problem.
My 1st? Occurring when I had a solo in my hometown church. I was working at the time as a professional jingle and nightclub singer. Justified that attack by saying that I hadn’t sung in church in a long time. “Must have been a weird case of nerves.”
The 2nd. Auditioning for a solo in a studio. My legs started shaking. I remember the producer looking at me curiously. “You all right?”. “Just tired”, my response.
I didn’t get the solo.
I was in my mid-20’s. The typical time for panic attacks to begin. They started happening not just at times I was performing. Other times when I would feel somehow, irrationally, pressured. A need to do something incredibly well. Even if that was to listen to a friend.
I needed to be all things to all people. Never disappoint. Always be at top performance.
Interestingly, this all began occurring when the reality of my life was far from perfect. Divorced. Living a more chaotic lifestyle, with a relationship that wove in and out of my life that was confusing and belittling. I seemed addicted to choices that led to my own unhappiness.
I had been in therapy. But had never admitted the full extent of the panic. I went to 3 different therapists in the end. One used hypnosis, which I think now would have worked, had the rest of my life been a little less provocative. I didn’t really give his techniques much of a chance.
The second therapist was just bad. A nice enough guy. But we never got down to anything concrete.
Finally, I got to Larry. I remember distinctly what he said.
Me: “I want to get rid of these attacks. I hate them.”
Larry: “The more you hate them, the more power they will have. You have to try to have compassion for the part of you that shakes. That trembles. She is just as real as the part of you that you find acceptable.”
I didn’t like hearing what he said. But suddenly it made sense.
Acceptance. Of all of me. What a novel idea.
I am sure that I no longer remember his exact words. I have now said something similar to so many patients, that I probably am quoting myself. But his message made a strong impact on me.
I could quit trying to be all things to all people. To be somebody I was not.
Some kind of perfect human being.
My mother had obsessive-compulsive disorder. From some newspaper clippings I have found, it sounds like my paternal grandfather had panic attacks. I never knew him. But I sound just like him.
Anxiety has a strong, genetic component.
I wish that I would take the time, like Dan Harris details, to learn a technique like meditation. I would probably lick the attacks themselves. He has written about his journey in the excellent book “10% Happier”. I don’t think he would define it as a technique. More like the adoption of a lifestyle.
Maybe I will get there.
Panic attacks can be awkward if they happen. Irritating. Like getting a cold on vacation. Very scary if your heart is racing or your chest feels compressed. You can fear you are having a heart attack.
You can also begin to fear the fear itself. You can panic about the panic. That’s when you may need professional help. If you have not already sought it.
I don’t hate my disorder any more. It’s something I manage. I cope with it.
I fairly frequently realize I haven’t “panicked” in a situation where I might have, in earlier times, automatically grabbed for the beta-blockers I keep in my purse. My “just in case” meds that can be helpful in a pinch. (It should be noted that this class of drugs is not for everyone and is no cure for anxiety. It’s a quick fix. A short-term solution.)
Yet I still have them. They sneak up on me from time to time.
The more open and honest I am with myself – the less I am invested in being something I am not – the less anxiety I have.
Plain and simple. So the perfectionism – the anxiety – is not running me anymore.
And I am not running away.
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You can read more of Dr. Margaret on her website. Subscribe and you will receive a free copy of her new eBook, “Seven Commandments Of Good Therapy”, a basic guide on how to choose a potential therapist or how to evaluate the therapy you are currently receiving. You can also email her with comments:[email protected].
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This article originally appeared on Dr. Margaret Rutherford’s Site and is republished on Medium.
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Photo credit: iStock
Thank you for sharing this. Stories like these are what allow those seeking a voice to connect to to feel less alone.
That’s exactly why I do share it Pauline. To help people realize that there is no shame in having mental problems. That you can function very well in many cases. And to reach out to those who may feel like they are the only ones that have problems. Thanks so much for commenting.
Margaret, It’s comforting to know that like me, you have panic attacks. Mine didn’t start until after I did a hostile takeover of a public company; the death of two husbands; 10 breast cancer surgeries and eight rounds of chemo and being kidnapped in Central America. My panic attacks happen, infrequently, when I’m at home, alone, or driving alone. All solitary experiences. One this summer made my heart go out of rhythm. A visit to the ER and an IV drip was needed. I am compassionate about them, and I don’t fear them, but I’m Ramborella, for God sake! I’ve… Read more »
Brenda, there could be many reasons “why now”. Your history is obviously complicated and is intense in its telling. Much grief and other things uniquely experienced. Sometimes our personnas, yours being “Ramborella”, can eat more of us up than we realize. Your panic is probably telling you something. I would recommend getting some help to figure that out. Thanks so much for reading and commenting.
Hi Dr.Margaret, Your experience that you have explained sounds painful and challenging and I first became aware of panic attack from SUIT, one of my most favorite TV series in which Harvey Specter suffered from it. I am about to leave the house I live in with my father because he had been verbally and emotionally abusive. I have been thinking about leaving and yet I am scared because I have no job at the moment. I am concerned and worried that I will suffer from panic attack due to how intense my fear is. I do not feel safe… Read more »
It sounds Sri like you certainly have a lot of work on adjusting your life to a new normal. I am so sorry you have experienced that kind of abuse. And I hope that you can use a local shelter or agency for women’s services that might help you get started on your way. I would recommend that you have all legal papers you need and support from friends to help you. Of course you have anxiety about this. Panic disorder does not always accompany anxiety, although it can. Please get the help you need. And thank you for your… Read more »