My Pandemic Breakup

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I wish I could write more prolifically, but the Muse only visits when my heart is broken or when I’m feeling any particularly strong feelings about anything . So here I am now.

Before the pandemic started, I met a lovely person with whom I connected on a deep level. We chatted via text for a few months before meeting in person in late January. Things were going very well and it showed a lot of promise, but the pandemic began and we were all placed in quarantine. This took away time we could have been spending in each other’s company. Time spent in person is extremely important at the start of a relationship because the in-person experience teaches you a lot about a person that texts and video chats can’t. Their quirks, the way they laugh, their facial expressions, and a lot of other little things that add to the portrait of who that person is and who you are becoming together as a couple. In-person, shared experiences at the beginning are so crucial to building the foundation of a relationship.

For me (as for so many people, I would wager) the pandemic has underscored the fact that technology can never replace the power of human touch. A hug, a kiss, a hand on the shoulder or stroking your back — all these things can be so much more powerful than seeing someone’s face on your mobile device or their words in a text. There’s so much that touch can communicate that words simply can’t. And this goes a long way towards building love.

A bit of backstory — months before the coronavirus became a thing (as it turns out a very big, very life-changing and devastating thing), I was living with my parents recovering from a bout of clinically diagnosed anxiety for which I see a therapist and take medication. It is something that I manage on a daily basis. And depending on how strong it is during any given period of time, I do pretty well.

In January, I had just started picking my life back up again. I was re-acclimating to life on my own at my own place, going back to work, adjusting to a new commute because while I was on leave, our offices relocated. For anyone who’s been through a rough patch where life temporarily knocks you out, you know that recovery is not linear — it is more of a crooked line that generally trends towards better progress until you establish your new “normal.”

It was also during this time that I met my ex in person after texting for a long time while I was on leave. One of the things that won my heart was his patience at communicating with me and being so understanding about why we couldn’t meet in person right away — which also meant he was accepting of the fact that I suffer from anxiety and was not fazed by it — another reason I fell in love with him. When we met in person, he was very kind and understanding and very comforting as I was a mess because my social anxiety was on a high that day (nervousness at meeting in person). I couldn’t believe it when in spite of seeing me that way, he still wanted to kiss me (and he did). I thought, “Well this is someone who really accepts me as I am.” Which, in general, is not easy to find. For anyone.

We continued seeing each other and we were able to have a handful of dates before the pandemic and quarantine began. For about a month and a half into quarantine, we were still doing well, having video dates and texting a lot. But due to the extraordinary (to say the least) stress of the times, which he and I were both feeling, it became harder to stay in the “honeymoon phase.” Some members of my family were stricken with COVID-19 (one hospitalized and put on an intubator), I was furloughed, and in the world in general, where we all happen to live, death and unemployment was everywhere. Uncertainty couldn’t be more of a presence in all of our lives. And uncertainty breeds stress and anxiety. For a while I began feeling plenty of anxiety and a bit of depression. And this took its toll on the relationship because I couldn’t always show up for our dates in a light way and I leaned on him for support when he was also facing stress in his own ways. Because from the beginning, he made me feel like I could.

But everyone has a threshold.

Things started to change after a conversation we had about him seeming a bit distant. The reason was that my low state was making him feel almost guilty/bad for his doing relatively well compared to me (unlike me, he was keeping himself busy and focused on activities and work as well as regular exercise and virtual social time with others). I apologized and told him I’d try to be more mindful of how I showed up and not be so cranky/depressed when we were (virtually) hanging out. Namely, I would not say passive-aggressive things that made him feel bad.

That conversation was maybe a month and a half ago (who could tell time accurately anymore these days?), but things continued to deteriorate in the many little ways you could see a relationship deteriorating that add up to the finale, two days ago when he told me that he didn’t think this was for him. To be fair to myself, I was doing my best after that first conversation about my moods affecting him. After another conversation when he told me he felt “bored” and not connected to me, I found new ways for us to connect and found more creative activities for us to do on our virtual dates besides watching a movie together. I was already out of my feeling depressed/anxious period and doing a lot better. These improvements were only starting out when he broke up with me.

There’s a School of Life video about breakups that addresses the ambiguity of why people break up with us. One of the main points of the video is that whenever someone breaks up with us and we try to make sense of it all, we’re only seeing a tiny fragment of a larger picture — we’re only privy to the reasons they tell us and there are likely more reasons only known (or sometimes unknown) to them. We also project our own stories when we interpret the breakup.

I’m sure there are many reasons known and unknown to him for his ending the relationship. I don’t have many clear cut ideas on why and many of the reasons are my guesses. He wasn’t very articulate when I had asked him why. He just kept saying “I don’t know, I just don’t feel like it’s a good fit.” And when pressed on why he didn’t think it was a good fit, he said, “I feel more like a caretaker than a partner.” That was probably the most solid reason he gave, the reason that struck me deepest. I’m sure he said other things, but that was the reason that stood out to me most, and the reason that has likely saved me from still thinking he could be a good partner to me at this time. Having a partner who can support me through the tough times (and not see me as a burden or someone they have to take care of) is important to me — but I also give as good as or better than I get. I have shown up in this relationship in many generous, supportive and loving ways (to the best of my ability while being quarantined).

Breakups are never a welcome experience in the best of times, and the same is true for the worst of times. Currently we are, in my opinion, experiencing the worst of times (at least so far in my lifetime). Just like how it’s the trying times that reveal people’s true characters (and according to Governor Cuomo, some people will surprise you and some people will break your heart), it’s also the trying times that define a relationship. I find myself wondering, had quarantine not happened, would we have developed a stronger bond over these last few months, leading to him being able to be better at supporting me and not thinking I am someone he has to take care of?

Of all the causes for the breakup (known and not known), I blame the pandemic largely for denying the relationship a chance at getting its legs by allowing us the much needed opportunities to spend time with each other in person. To build a stronger bond. I will never know for sure, but I think that had we had a stronger foundation, maybe the relationship would have had a better chance at surviving quarantine. But I can also thank the pandemic for quickly revealing to me that in spite of the hopes I had, he couldn’t at this time be the kind of partner for me that I was optimistic that he would be. It’s just not where he is.

Every breakup always has me coming to the conclusion that I am the best partner for me. But I would like someone who can take over once in a while when I cannot be that partner for myself. When I am not at my best. I cannot be at my best during this crazy time we are all living through. There’s too much to process. Too much change and upheaval for my system to “keep calm and carry on” through. But I am doing my best with what I have right now.

Maybe I need to have more appreciation for my own relationship with myself. I think somewhere in the deep recesses of my mind I don’t fully appreciate myself as my first and truest partner. The partner that is the only partner guaranteed to be with me until the end. Literally. I’ll even go to the urn (because I want to be cremated) with me. Just a little dark humor there, but it really is true. I don’t think I have appreciated myself enough because whenever I start seeing someone, I lose sight of my own relationship with myself, instead focusing on how the other person shows up for me. Maybe next time I’ll be better at remembering.

If you’ve made it through all the way to this point, congratulations, you get to find out the most profound realization that I’ve had over the last couple of days. Here it is — All this time I thought I wanted to be with someone who accepted me as I am. And he said that he does accept me as I am. But acceptance has its limits. I realized that what I’m really looking for is someone who will love me as I am. Acceptance is not the same as love.

Accepting someone as they are is, “I see your flaws and shortcomings and all the things that make you human and imperfect and I am okay with all of that.” Loving someone as they are is, “I see your flaws and shortcomings and all the things that make you human and imperfect and not only am I okay with all of that but more than that, I see you in your wholeness and not your brokenness. You are beautiful and worthy in my eyes.”

My brokenness eclipsed my wholeness in his eyes. But as the Rolling Stones so aptly put it, “You can’t always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you get what you need.” Maybe what I needed, more than a partner, was to learn the difference between being accepted as I am and being loved as I am.

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Previously published on Medium.

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