My Partner Is Hurting (and Hurting Me)

In a perfect world, we would all be loving creatures of light. We would deal with all issues in the healthiest, most respectful, and constructive ways. We would never feel scared.

The world we live in? Oh, it’s a beautiful world, for sure. But it’s also a world with lots of pain.

According to the Anxiety & Depression Association of America, almost 3% of the USA population struggles with a panic disorder, almost 7% with a social anxiety disorder, and almost 9% with specific phobias¹. And that’s just the tip of the iceberg — there are also bipolar disorder, dissociative identity disorder, borderline personality disorder, schizophrenia, psychoses, addictions, (repressed) traumas, attachment disorders, and a variety of other demons one might be battling.

So the odds of you finding yourself in a relationship with someone who’s suffering from mental challenges (problems, issues, whichever word you prefer) is quite large.

Yesterday, I talked to someone close to me whose partner suddenly developed a dissociative identity disorder. What seemed to be a perfect relationship deteriorated in a month to the point that the couple decided to split up. “I feel like such a dick”, my friend told me. “They can’t help their issues, and here I am, abandoning them.”

And that’s precisely the challenge we’re facing. You see your partner hurting… But as your partner is pouring most of their energy into their own emotional wellbeing (and rightly so) the issues reflect on your relationship. In the best-case scenario, your partner simply doesn’t have the mental capacity to be there for you. In worse scenarios, they lash out or hurt you. And sometimes, eventually, you have to choose: either you abandon them, or yourself.

It’s Unfair

First of all, let me get one thing out of the way. It’s fucking unfair, all of it. No one is asking for mental health challenges. Top that with the stigma it gets in most societies and the help available still being in very early stages. Struggling with one’s mental health is exhausting, scary, lonely, and not exactly a choice.

If you love someone with mental health challenges — whether romantically or platonically — I bet you would just love to do something to fix their problems. To make them feel loved and happy and show them everything is going to be okay and the sun is shining. And I’m willing to bet — you feel powerless watching the fight they have to face by themselves.

Besides, sometimes that fight hurts you. When your partner is paranoid or distrusting, ignoring you, lying to you, blaming you, maybe even turning violent. And although it’s utterly unfair that your partner has to deal with their demons, it’s equally unfair that you have to deal with them. So though this is a very sensitive topic, I want to talk to you about when it’s okay to leave.

There Are Options

Although this article focuses on leaving, I want to place a bit of a disclaimer here. First of all, even if you’re in a relationship with someone with mental health challenges and you’re struggling as a couple, it’s too easy to blame it on the person suffering — it’s perfectly possible that the relationship problems are unrelated or only mildly related to the mental health issues.

Second, plenty of couples make it work, issues or no issues. With that said, if your relationship isn’t one of those that works out — don’t feel guilty about it. Whether a relationship makes it through or not depends on many factors. As one of my friends told me when I filed for divorce: “Don’t feel guilty, nobody gets married planning to get divorced.” In the end, you can only do your best.
Third, therapy — not just individual therapy, but also couple’s therapy — might help, either to deal with the issues that arise or come to terms with the end of the relationship². Consider finding a counselor you both trust.

Don’t Become a Martyr

The first thing I want to be absolutely clear about is that it’s ALWAYS okay to leave. Imagine yourself in a relationship with someone who doesn’t have any mental health challenges. If you’d find yourself unhappy in that relationship, you might still feel guilty for leaving them, knowing that it would hurt their feelings because they still love you, but you hopefully wouldn’t sacrifice your own happiness to keep them satisfied.

A relationship with someone with mental health challenges is no different in that respect. Imagine staying in a relationship, just for the sake of your partner, even though being with them is not what you’d want for yourself… That’s a sure way to breed contempt, breaking the relationship even further. In the famous article ‘Regrets of the Dying’ one of the most common regrets listed is: “I wish I had let myself be happier”³. Being there for your partner is certainly loving, but don’t let it stand in the way of your own happiness.

Although an unwanted breakup inevitably leads to pain (for both of you), it’s much like a clean wound that has the space to heal. On the other hand, if the wound keeps getting inflicted over and over again, as is the case if you stay when you’d rather go, there is no space for healing (once again, for both of you).

If you no longer feel romantically attracted to your partner, or if being with them hurts your own mental health, you are under no obligation to stay. Don’t be a martyr, you’re not doing anyone a favor.

Why Are You Hurting?

A sidenote. In a relationship where both people are mentally stable, they generally try to take into account each other’s needs. They try to avoid triggering each other too much. If you know your partner is sensitive about their weight, you won’t tease them about it too much. If they know you’ve got a complicated relationship with your mother, they won’t compare you to her. You love your partner, so why would you intentionally hurt them?

But when one is in pain, lashing out is suddenly a lot more common. Suddenly, you find your partner pushing all your buttons and hurting you where it hurts most, skillfully pinpointing all your insecurity and personal demons. I’m not sure why that happens. Maybe it’s because it distracts them from their own fears and insecurities. Maybe it’s self-sabotage — they prove to themselves that they’re bad people. Maybe it’s something else altogether. Whatever the reason — you get hurt.

Although — as I said — I’d never blame you for leaving, sometimes you can also stay around and explore your own issues. Why does it hurt so much when your partner is calling you lazy or manipulative? Is it because deep down, they resonate with your own hidden beliefs about yourself?

As you dismantle more and more of your personal problems, you might see changes in the relationship with your partner. I can’t promise they will be for the best — once your partner notices their old ways of inflicting pain no longer work, they might find new ways or even leave the relationship themselves. What I do promise, is that as you tackle your own issues, the relationship with yourself will improve. And that’s also worth something.

You Are Not a Dick

I know you try to make it work, the best you can. I know you love your partner, and I’m sure they love you, too. But there might come a day when — despite your best efforts — you wake up and realize you simply can’t stay any longer.

If that day comes, know that it’s okay. No, your partner didn’t choose this situation any more than you did. It’s not their fault they have to struggle so hard to be happy. Still, that doesn’t mean you should deny yourself happiness out of solidarity.

It might not seem fair that while they struggle, you move on and allow yourself to be happy, but sticking around and being miserable with them isn’t better. Not for you and not for them.

I’m sorry, I can’t make this process easier for you. I can’t take away their pain, or yours. Leaving when you still love and care is one of the hardest things to do. All I can do is tell you:

You are not a dick for leaving. You’re brave and strong. You’re just taking care of yourself, and that’s important, too.

…

[1] Anxiety & Depression Association of America. Facts & Statistics. https://adaa.org/understanding-anxiety/facts-statistics
[2] Imlay, Pierre. Mental Illness in Couple Relationships. https://www.heretohelp.bc.ca/visions/couples-vol10/mental-illness-in-couple-relationships
[3] Ware, Bronnie. Regrets of the Dying. https://bronnieware.com/blog/regrets-of-the-dying/

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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