Have you ever watched a couple and been frustrated at the choices they’re making in their relationship?
Maybe you’ve thought, “They really need to work on their communication. My partner and I are great at that.”
Or how about, “They’re always doing things on their own, I never see them together. That is not a healthy relationship.”
Maybe you’re right.
Perhaps you’ve even taken your thoughts a step further. Perhaps you’ve approached said couple with your observations.
How did that go?
Chances are, the couple didn’t want to hear it. Maybe you even seriously hurt your relationship with them as a result.
Let me give you a piece of advice…
Advice isn’t a bad thing. The problem is in the way it’s presented, and all too often when we try and tell someone what they should fix in their relationship, it comes across like we think we know everything.
Like we have a perfect relationship with our partner, and if they want that too, then they need to listen to us.
And who wants to hear that?
The other day, a friend approached me. She told me I was hurting my relationship with my husband by not going on regular dates with him.
Although I smiled tightly and changed the subject, in my head I was saying, “Oh really? I’m hurting my relationship with my husband huh? What about all the nights you spend partying with friends while your husband sits at home? You seriously think you’re qualified to give me advice?”
Once my husband got home I was able to get my frustration out of my head by expressing it to him, which was a huge relief.
…
Here’s a shocking truth — you don’t know what goes on behind closed doors.
I have two young kids. What this friend didn’t know is that my husband and I put our kids to bed early so we can spend time together every night.
We don’t need to go on official “dates” to have a strong relationship.
All her approaching me and saying what she thought I needed to change did is tick me off. Her advice wasn’t welcome and because of it, she’s the last person I’ll ever go to with my problems.
Although I would’ve loved to throw advice for her relationship right back in her face, it wasn’t my place. I’m not a relationship expert, and even though I see things in her relationship that surprise me it doesn’t mean I should tell her to change.
The only one who knows how best to help her relationship with her husband is her.
Chances are she knows what she needs to change; she doesn’t need me to tell her. Whether or not she wants to is her choice.
The only relationship you should be worried about is your own.
Part of the problem, however, is the need for control.
Sometimes it’s easier to try and fix problems in other people’s relationships than it is in our own.
Maybe pointing out what’s wrong with someone else makes us feel better about ourselves, that way we can keep moving forward with the things we want to do.
Because sometimes it’s too hard to change the things we know we need to change in our own relationships.
…
Do yourself a favor. The next time you feel the urge to give your friend advice about their relationship, examine yours.
Are there problems there? Things you need to change, maybe?
If you feel you’re good but still want to help out your friend, the best way to do that is by example. You can’t make people see things your way, nor is it fair to ask them to.
Just because something works for you doesn’t mean it’ll work for someone else.
So keep your thoughts to yourself and work on making your relationship the best it can possibly be.
That will do more than your words ever could.
—
This post was previously published on medium.com.
***
You may also like these posts on The Good Men Project:
White Fragility: Talking to White People About Racism | Escape the “Act Like a Man” Box | The Lack of Gentle Platonic Touch in Men’s Lives is a Killer | What We Talk About When We Talk About Men |
—
Photo credit: Obie Fernandez on Unsplash