Every new parent should read Myths and Lies about Dads by Dr. Linda Nielsen. There, I said it. I find it’s better to just be blunt at the beginning of these things. And even if you aren’t a new parent, still read this book. It’s important.
And then Myths and Lies about Dads comes out and explodes all the stereotypes that modern pop culture puts on a dad’s shoulders. This is why this book is important.
“The data was just sitting there,” said Dr. Nielsen when I asked her why she wrote this book. As a professor of Adolescent and Educational Psychology at Wake Forest University, she has seen the stereotype of the bumbling dad all over. From T.V. to college textbooks, it’s in there. And this bothered her. Which it should, as she has been studying fatherhood for decades and has four books on the subject. But this book knocks it out of the park.
For example, I asked her what was the most surprising myth that she found. For her, it was all the hormonal changes that men go through when they have children. Yup, this happens, and she has the studies to back it up. Our testosterone drops, and when we make physical contact with our newborns, our heart rate and blood pressure decrease. It’s almost as if we are changing to, wait for it, care for our child.
The idea that men can’t care for a baby has always irked me. And it’s always somehow wrapped up in our masculinity. However, we are at our best when we care for our kids. We are the most masculine we will ever be. If you’ve held your newborn in the middle of the night and whispered promises to them over and over, you know what I’m talking about.
There is maternal gatekeeping when it comes to caring for our children. It is this belief that I can’t be as nurturing. It’s bunk, and the science shows it. One of the more surprising statements in the book is that there is no hierarchy when it comes to parenting babies. The kid doesn’t prefer mom over dad or dad over mom in the beginning. So there is no reason that dad can’t be involved, should be involved, and never “rescued” when the baby is fussy. He’ll figure it out.
The book is full of topics like this. It erases the idea that we are “slouches on couches” and instead shows that so many fathers are involved, want to be involved, and are fully capable.
And she is going to pick a fight.
“The notion that mothers are more stressed than fathers is off the mark,” Dr. Nielsen says in the book. This goes 100% against the grain of what is currently being written about when it comes to dads and parenting. The argument is that dads don’t carry any of the mental load. I took on this myth myself a while ago in an article I’ve written for The Good Men Project. My point is that dads have plenty of worries, but they often go unrecognized. Not by Dr. Nielsen.
Dr. Nielsen’s book points out that fathers are especially stressed out about the high cost of raising a child, are more prone to suicide, and have the added stress of being the financial caregiver of the family. This is a term coined in the book, and I love it. In my family, my wife is the financial caregiver. I can see all of this from the other side as the stay-at-home parent. I do the “unseen labor” of caring for the kids, and she makes sure my family is taken care of. We both do our part, and I hate the idea that as parents we need to scoreboard each other. Instead, I think it’s more important to acknowledge the worries and stress both parents have no matter what the arrangement. From same-sex couples to something more traditional, parents carry stress. Let’s at least recognize it and not try to shame one or the other.
But that is the fight she is picking, and she seems geared for it. Although she says, “I didn’t pick the fight, I just countered the argument.” She’s right. Give credit where credit is due, especially to mothers that are providing financial caregiving to their families. Let’s recognize both.
For me, the point of the book is to show what fathers are capable of. It helps change the conversation from what fatherhood is perceived to be and centers it around what it actually is. We are not the idiots that can’t figure out the most basic diaper. We don’t want to be hands-off. We are fathers and many of us take this job seriously. This is the message that I took away after reading Myths and Lies about Dads.
And this is why every parent should read the book.
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This Post is republished on Medium.
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Photo credit: iStock
