In 2020, I had a conversation with a narcissist I know, named Mel, where he openly admitted to trapping his high school sweetheart with a baby — ten years after they had broken up.
She wanted him back and he used this reconciliation as an opportunity to “lock her down” by getting her pregnant.
He told me it was always his plan but she finally gave him the green light to put it into action once she wanted him back.
When I asked him how he was able to get away with this he explained to me that he played (and preyed) on her need for love.
H went on to explain to me that women tend to be too focused on marriage, as a means of commitment. I agree and delve into this topic,
In the following article:
Before You Say “I Do” to the Narcissist — Read This
Legally binding yourself to your abuser is never going to change the toxic dynamic of the relationship
medium.com
The clear distinction between both genders is that men, especially male narcissists, understand that having a child is the real commitment.
And Mel explained this in greater detail, to me.
He said most women desire marriage as a show of true commitment, as proof that a man is serious about them.
He said —
We know this and use this to the yall’s disadvantage because ya’ll will wait for that ring, even after pushing out a kid.
And he isn’t wrong about this either.
That’s when Mel said the one thing that I have always understood. He said that we’re so busy waiting for the commitment of marriage when having a child is the real commitment — because it’s a permanent commitment.
When the Narcissist Plays “The Long Game”
The reason narcissists push to have babies and want to “start families”, especially when their relationships get rocky, is because this is their last ditch effort to secure their supply.
In other words, they’re playing the long game.
A few warning signs that the narcissist is playing “The Long Game”:
- the relationship got very turbulent (especially if the narcissist has discarded you or vice versa) and now suddenly they’re talking about starting a family. This likely occurs during or directly after the hoovering stage.
- they had no desire to have children but suddenly do, now that the relationship is on the rocks, specifically if you’ve left and come back or seem ready to leave the relationship.
- they mentioned getting you pregnant early on in the connection. This is a sign that they see you as a very good source of supply and need to keep you around for as long as possible (this has nothing to do with love). It will occur during the love-bombing phase.
Narcissists understand that once a child enters the picture, the game changes permanently.
Many women don’t seem to see this strategy in time and Mel accurately summed up the reason for our blindspot,
Most of you women are so focused on love, and getting a ring, that you’re not even paying attention to the fact that you’ve already trapped — the moment you gave birth.
He’s right.
He went on to point out how upset we get when the ring is never produced and explained why there is no follow-through on that promise.
According to Mel —
“We don’t need to marry you once we get you pregnant.”
He explained that marriage is not a permanent commitment, or at least it doesn’t have to be — and it usually isn’t, at this point.
With marriage, you can divorce someone.
You can separate or simply leave the relationship and do your thing, even if you are still legally declared “husband and wife”…
But you can’t un-have a child.
…
They Will “Switch Up” When the Baby Is Born
Many women set the intention of not recreating the broken homes they grew up in. This notion is going to be weaponized by the narcissist later on when they decide to use this trauma,
And recreate it on purpose.
In order to pull this off they are going to convince you that they really want you to have their baby.
During this stage, the narcissist will go above and beyond to make you not only believe it but feel safe enough to trust them to start a family.
Many of them will be on their best behavior (or go back to being on their best behavior) until you are either,
- pregnant, or
- give birth
before letting their mask drop entirely.
(In the case of the female narcissist, she’s going to become increasingly abusive and demanding throughout the pregnancy — knowing that you are concerned for the safety of the baby and therefore can’t afford to do anything that would “upset her”. It will only get worse from there.)
Mel explains this phenomenon by confessing that even if we (women):
- catch onto their tactic(s)
- outgrow the narcissist
- get tired of waiting (for a commitment/marriage)
- want to escape the abuse/mistreatment
- no longer want to deal with being cheated on, or
- simply want to leave
It’s too late.
You can go if you want but you’re stuck to your abuser for life because you had a kid with him — or her. Now, you have to deal with the very man you’ve outgrown. This is why many narcissists “switch up” once the baby is born.
It no longer matters that you’ve seen the light because there is no turning back. You are attached to him for the rest of your life.
Checkmate.
To sum this up, Mel literally said —
Basically, we win.
He explained to me most men, if not all, already know this and have been using this understanding (and using our wombs) to their advantage,
For ages.
And he’s absolutely right.
…
How Are So Many Women Falling for This?
Because most narcissists are using coercive sex (and rape) to get us pregnant. Back in April 2020, I was raped:
I Was Raped by My Drug Dealer
Here’s why it can’t be proven — even though he confessed to it.
medium.com
My rapist admitted he believed,
“women needed to be manipulated into having sex”
essentially handing me a confession I never expected.
Along with a lesson in all the ways that a narcissist will manipulate women into feeling safe enough to open their legs for them.
What I didn’t mention in that article was his perspective on parenthood and the fact that he admitted he was trying to add me to his lineup as his third baby’s mother,
Because of my spirituality.
He said I was “divine” in a way that his other two baby’s mothers weren’t. Basically, because I’m spiritual and they weren’t. Many of my spiritual beliefs lined up with his and because of that,
He wanted to get me pregnant.
Strictly, for my belief system.
But he said he needed to mold me to his liking to fit exactly what he wanted and that he had been “working on me”.
He was very drunk and really high so he was overtalking and telling on himself. So, basically, he told me the truth:
He was creating a roster of baby mamas.
He admitted to “locking down” both of his current baby’s mothers.
In fact, he cheated on the first one with the second one and had to reveal everything to his girlfriend once he got his new supply pregnant.
I was supposed to be next.
…
Becoming a Mom Makes You Part of a Supply Chain
That same narcissist I just mentioned then went on to break down to me the real role of the “baby mama”;
Along with another perspective behind the narcissist’s calculated need to “start a family”.
It was directly after the rape was over that he even admitted he had a girlfriend, and that he’s still sleeping with both women he had children with because… he can.
Because they both have his kids.
He saw it as a right of passage since they were locked to him for life and he could switch between the two depending on their behavior.
(Read that again.)
And, yes, he actually said this.
This is when I learned that many of the men you see with multiple babies’ mothers aren’t as irresponsible as we believe they are.
They’re not careless at all, they’re calculated.
They’re impregnating multiple women on purpose because they’re building a collection of supply.
Each baby mama has a specific quality they’re looking for, and the accumulation of these women completes the package.
This is the strategy.
…
© Linda Sharp 2023. All Rights Reserved.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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Photo credit: Andrea Bertozzini on Unsplash
