I want to feel special too.
—
We’d had an argument, and I’d gone to sleep on the couch, and I heard her little feet tapping on the floor as she walked to open the door.
“What are you still doing in here?”
“Well… I didn’t think you’d want me to come back to bed. So I just stayed here.”
“Don’t be silly,” she said. “Come back and sleep with me.”
She didn’t sound too convinced. But the couch was cold and the bed was warm and she’d be there too so I wasn’t about to say no.
We climbed into bed together and I put my arm under her neck and hugged her into me.
“Let’s have sex,” she whispered.
Naturally, I didn’t need telling twice.
But… something was wrong. She wasn’t responding how she usually responded. I looked up at her and asked her if she was ok. She said “yeah, I’m fine” and laid her head back down. I was confused, but I kept going.
Then, a lot earlier than she normally would, she told me to stop what I was doing so we could start having sex.
Things felt weird. I asked her again if she was ok, and she said she was, and to stop asking her if she was ok.
I climbed on top of her and held her head in my hands and kissed her. And then we started having sex.
It felt incredible, as always. But only for about 15 seconds. Because something was very wrong.
She wasn’t making the sounds she normally made. She wouldn’t even look at me. And she was barely moving at all.
“Do you want me to stop?” I asked.
“No!” she said. “Just keep going.”
But I couldn’t.
Because I felt unwanted. And unloved.
I pulled out of her and laid down next to her, and I felt disgusted. I’d never been so turned off in my life.
She clearly hadn’t wanted to have sex with me because there was absolutely no intimacy whatsoever. And no enthusiasm. And having sex with the woman I loved, when she gave me no intimacy and no enthusiasm… I felt cold.
I was embarrassed at the time. As a man, why did I need intimacy? Surely I should just want to fuck her and cum on her without giving a shit about intimacy, right? Wasn’t that what “men” did?
So I didn’t tell her. Because I thought she’d judge me as someone who was weak. And I didn’t want her to “go off” me.
I thought I was wrong for wanting intimacy. I thought that was something only girls wanted. But I was wrong.
I need intimacy when I’m having sex. And that doesn’t mean we have to be in love, or be in a relationship, and it doesn’t mean the sex has to be slow and full of passionate kissing and in candlelight. I’ve had wild sex with a stranger on the beach that’s been intimate.
What I’m saying is this: I need to know that they care. I need to know that they really want to have sex with me. I need to know that they’re into this as much as I’m into this.
Because I have feelings.
And I want to feel wanted.
◊♦◊
Photo: iStock
It was perfunctory. She was doing what she thought was the right thing to do. It was as intimate as algebra and solving for X. Things need to be resolved before she can enjoy it. It was a signal to stop and talk through it.
Be happy knowing that she is typically into you when things are good. Sometimes there is no intamcy ever – sometimes it’s just getting each other off and that’s as good as it will ever get.
Maybe she felt the argument was at an impasse and knew she’s continue to feel resentful and unhappy if she didn’t amend her feelings in other ways. Perhaps she felt that orgasm with her partner would release enough bonding and happy chemicals that she’d be able to put the bad feelings out of her head and stop feeling distant, but didn’t have that much to give in return at that moment. When I’ve felt distanced, unheard, misunderstood, and marginalized by partners in the past, I’ve felt a lot less motivated to give, but have occasionally sought physical comfort from them… Read more »
Painful. Thank you for the reminder of how men often need to feel wanted and loved to enjoy sex with their partner. However, I wonder how much your partner was still impacted by the argument and of course, we don’t know what it was about because you’ve not said but my guess is that it would have been relevant. In any case, for me, I couldn’t have sex while an argument was unresolved but I would still want to feel connected in some way. It may be late at night and we’re both tired, but I wouldn’t want him to… Read more »
“I’ve had wild sex with a stranger on the beach that’s been intimate.” Is that really intimacy though? The kind of intimacy you were looking from your partner has to be vastly different then the kind of intimacy you got from sex on the beach with a stranger no? Perhaps it’s not just about intimacy, but different levels of intimacy. Not all people are ready for or want the same levels of intimacy at the same time. What is a woman suppose to do when she doesn’t want intimacy in the same way or time her partner does but she… Read more »
Men want intimacy too. Men want females to initiate sex too.
No, guy. That’s the juice, the gravy, what its all about…and it is, contrary to the bull we are fed through the media, what most guys want. What you were told that you are, and what you are, are two very different things, and that is one of the aspects of the mission statement here. What can be built here is a cross roads for guys to come and exchange ideas, have discussions, support each other as I’m’ now doing: to assure you that you are not odd, but a normal, caring, feeling man. Certainly when we are very young… Read more »
Men, even young men, crave intimacy and emotional connection too. We want to know, need to know, that we make a difference and are special to someone. But far too often, we don’t have anyone acknowledging this, modeling this for us. So we grow up, and try to connect the best way we can, along the way we have learned, the way that often been more or less beaten into us. And of course we miss the connection, the intimacy. We just don’t know what it is we’re missing. And we can’t put it into words, because no one has… Read more »
The effect is different. It’s satisfying when there’s intimacy. Makes you want to have more because it’s addictive, tye feelibg is strong, but if there’s no enthusiasm, your partner is not focused and don’t even look at you, that’s boring. So boring.