No, Fighting Is NOT Good for Your Marriage

A great marriage is not when the perfect couple comes together. It is when an imperfect couple learns to enjoy their differences.

Dave Meurer

I am a BIG fan of Dr. John Gottman. He is the guru when it comes to researching what works and doesn’t work in relationships, specifically marriage. But I strongly disagree with one of his Marriage Minutes this week.

The title? Fighting Can Be Good.

Dr. Gottman is not the only relationship advisor who is either neutral about fighting or actually encourages couples to engage in fights.

I have long struggled to find any way to put a positive spin on fighting.

Fighting as a noun is defined as “violence or conflict”. As an adjective it’s defined as “displaying or engaging in violence, combat, or aggression”.

Legally, fighting is “mutual participation in a physical conflict involving two or more people”.

So who thinks there is any place for this in a marriage?

Dr. Gottman begins his post by stating, “Conflict in a relationship is inevitable.”

Again, I respectfully choose to differ. Disagreement in a relationship is a given. That’s because you and your wife are two different people with different experiences, perspectives, and feelings. Managing those differences well is key to having a good marriage.

But defining these disagreements as conflict is again problematic. When used as a noun, Merriam-Webster defines conflict as “a competitive or opposing action of incompatibles: antagonistic state or action (as of divergent ideas, interest, or persons)”.

I don’t know about you, but I don’t think this can be “good” for any marriage.

Now most professionals who deal with relationships recommend learning to “fight fair”. And Dr. Gottman does go on to discuss six skills that couples can use to resolve differences that are in alignment with this idea of fighting fair.

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These skills are: practice physiological self-soothing, use a softened startup, repair and de-escalate, listen to your partner’s underlying feelings and dreams, accept influence, and compromise. (I don’t agree that compromise works or is necessary but that’s a topic for another day.)

In reality, if you learn and use these skills consistently, fighting and conflict disappear. You can and do resolve your differences calmly and productively.

Doesn’t that sound much better than being given permission to fight?