David Soto knew he’d reached a new place in his life when he gave up the fantasy of a younger woman for the possibility of true love.
“Immature love says: ‘I love you because I need you.’ Mature love says ‘I need you because I love you.’” ~Erich Fromm
I ended my last post by saying that writing it lead to, what may be, the most mature decision of my life. Well, this is the post where I tell you about that decision.
First, lets start with the setting where I wrote my last post. It was the night before I moved out of my St. Louis apartment for good. Earlier that day I had dropped off my modem and router so, I had no internet. I had also loaded everything that I could into my van. The only things left in my apartment were the bed I was to sleep on that night and certain things I didn’t want to sit in a van overnight in city of St. Louis. That left me sitting on the floor of my apartment with not to do but think. That’s when Why I’m Over Sex came to me.
As soon as I finished writing that post I thought, “Wow. Is this really how I feel?” The answer was, yes, and I realized I had to make a change in plans. Plans that were due to start the very next day.
What were my plans?
I was headed to Southeast Missouri for a night. The following day, I was going to drive to North Carolina. After about a month of fun in North Carolina, I planned to work my way across the country into Mexico. I have been wanting to visit Asheville, NC for a while now. I’ve heard what a great town it was and that I would fit right in. I even got in touch with a small book store about giving a talk and possibly selling my books there. My brother also lives in North Carolina and I was due for a visit. In Mexico there this small beach town called Puerto Peñasco that had plenty of RV parks for snowbirds or van dwellers like myself. It seemed like a super affordable place for me to park my van on the beach. Now, these all sound like good reasons to go to both North Carolina and Mexico but none to them WERE that actual reasons.
The real reason I was going to Mexico.
In 2010 I went on a date with a beautiful Mexican woman I met in to the romantic city of Guanajuato, Mexico. We had dinner, went for a walk, had coffee, conversed and then went out dancing. Well, the date may actually have ended before the “out dancing” part took place. I say this because after coffee, I started working on getting drunk and met up with the young girl I had been seeing for a while. So yeah, I went out dancing with my date and my girlfriend. No wonder I got drunk.
Obviously, I didn’t get a second date. We did stay in touch though, thanks to Facebook. For six years, off and on with respect each other’s relationship status, we flirted with each other from afar. One day, not too long ago I made the comment to her on Facebook, “Meet me in Puerto Peñasco.” Her response was, “You say frog, I will jump.” English is her second language.
So after six years of flirting and exchanging comments via Facebook we had agreed to a second date. I just had to get to Mexico. But first, I was off to North Carolina.
The real reason I was going to North Carolina.
Before this website I used to blog via Tumblr. I didn’t get the outrageous following a cute girl who posted selfies would but I was doing ok. One day, I came across a stash of my “Train Naked” t-shirts. Besides my size, XL Tall, there were some women’s small and mediums in there. I decided to offer these shirts on my Tumblr to anyone one wanted one. One of the women who responded had been a long time follower. She reblogged something of mine almost daily. When she saw my offer she immediately responded with her address… North Carolina. When I inquired about what size she wanted, she alluded to being busty. This got my attention. I immediately strolled through her Tumblr looking for a picture of her. She was gorgeous!
When I sent her a message that her t-shirt was on the way I also sent my phone number and told her to text me if she ever felt like it. Several weeks later, out of the blue, I got a text. We communicated via text off and on for over a year. At times it was daily and at others, monthly. Over time we developed fondness and attraction toward each other. We had this fantasy of meeting each other and being lovers. Her on-again-off-again relationship with her boyfriend and my inability to travel at the time, prevented it from ever actually happening — until recently.
We started texting again. She was single and I was mobile. There was no reason for us not to meet up. So, we made plans. I was to swing by Asheville and pick her up. We were going to camp in my van on an organic farm while she showed me around Asheville for a few days. After, she was to travel with me for a while. She even was going to bring her dog. It was practically everything I wanted out of life. A beautiful woman who wanted to be my lover, to travel with me in my van, and was bringing a dog. Perfect!
The day before I was supposed to arrive I sent her this:
“Had a real moment the other night when I was sitting alone in my apt. I’m not coming.”
I just couldn’t do it.
Had I been there as scheduled, I would have been there to celebrate her 20th birthday. My ego would have been very happy had I gone. I was imagining the reaction people would get as they saw pictures of me with a stunning younger woman. Oh, how impressive my life would have looked on Facebook and Instagram.
For years I fantasized of having a young lover. It’s as if I’ve been groomed over decades to have this fantasy. Music, movies, and books romanticized the older man – younger woman relationship.
- Steely Dan and Muddy Waters sung songs about having a 19-year-old lover.
- The movie “Surviving Picasso” as well as the book Life with Picasso by Françoise Gilot inspired me to want to live like him based on facts like: In 1927 Picasso, at the age of 46, met 17-year-old Marie-Thérèse Walter. They had one child together. Many years later he met Françoise Gilot, who was 21. He was 40 years her senior. They had two children together.
- The movie “Frida” told the story of artist Frida Kahlo who married muralist Diego River. She was 22. He was 42.
- I also went through a phase of my life where I read as many Gabriel Garcia Marquez novels as I could. He wrote, several times over, of old men taking young lovers in his books.
It’s no wonder I developed this fantasy that I would some day be this fantastic artist who took women half his age to his bed. Specifically, I thought I would have a photographic portfolio full of pictures of all my young lovers and that more would be lined up, asking me to take their picture and them as a lover.
The young girl in North Carolina was everything I ever fantasized about. She even had seen some of my photography work and was anxious for me to take her picture. The perfect scenario was just a few hours drive away and I was on my way to it the very next morning but instead, I chose to drive in the opposite direction. .
Why didn’t I go?
At 41, I feel I am finally ready to be in a relationship. I never felt ready before. I just got in relationships. Many of them based on sex, infatuation, or even love but none of them ever worked. For the first time in my life I am ready for a real relationship. I am also ready to start a family. This means, not only am I looking for a suitable mate for me, I am looking for suitable mother of my children. Simply being a young and fertile woman is not enough. I need a woman who has her shit together. In most cases, this comes with time—meaning age.
“You’re supposed to say god damn it, daddy!” Apparently this was my response to my father one day when he dropped his razor while shaving. No matter what you teach your children, they are going to learn by the example you set. Rachel Cruze, author of Smart Money Smart Kids says, “More is caught then taught.” I believe this it be absolutely true. So, I’m glad I didn’t have children when all my peers did.
It took me over 40 years to get my shit together, to be ready to start a family, why would I bring someone else into the relationship who hadn’t put their work in too. I don’t want somebody messing up my kids! When I look at a woman 20 years younger than me who is interested in me, my ego says “yes!” The true me, though, sees 20 years worth of learning she needs to go through. And if I’m half wrong, it’s still 10 years. I don’t have time to wait. I have waited long enough for me to get to this point in life. Now that I am ready I can see that I need to be with someone who is here as well.
So I chose the woman in Mexico over the girl in North Carolina. There was more potential of a second date in Mexico turning into a REAL relationship than the fantasy in North Carolina ever had. Not only was it a mature decision, it was what I wanted. This was the shocker for me. This is what took me a while to set in. Regardless of how long I had wanted to model my life like a Gabriel Garcia Marquez novel, it was no longer what I wanted. The real me was in a battle with my ego. I committed to going to North Carolina because my ego wanted it. When I chose the contrary, what I really wanted, I became overwhelmed with relief. That night, sitting on the floor of my St. Louis apartment, I made the best decisions of my life.
Originally published on ThePrimitiveYou.com