—
What do we fear? What do we fear most? Steve, one of my buddies from High School, read something I posted about being with fear. Steve graciously wrote me back. He has battled major illness and, consequently, suffered horrendous pain throughout many years of his life. throughout this, Steve didn’t fear dying. Rather, he almost welcomed it. He just wanted the suffering to end. He said what got him through—what made him endure—was that he wanted to be around for his wife, his family, his friends, and even his cats.
Steve is my Hero. His courage inspires me. I have familiar compassion for what he endured. I didn’t have to endure Steve’s severe physical challenges. However, I get what it is to fear living in suffering more than in dying. What he spoke of comes close to both our souls.
About six years ago, I got laid off from the job that I loved. For nine months, I looked around for what’s next. I thought I found my next, my next love. The job occurred as a cause, with the possibility of making a difference in the world. I soon discovered that corporate intentions and execution at least for me betrayed the altruism, the higher calling. I got physically weak and lost weight. I lost joy for what I was doing. There was no genuine cause at stake. I even halted training Aikido fearing my physical decline.
Encountering depression, I sought help with my therapist Lance. Along with Lance, I authentically looked at my fear, what frightened me. Not to understand my fear. Rather to get and distinguish my fear. Most of my fear was as Werner described: Our fear is the reminder of the unresolved fear from the past. Unconcealing my fear was truly frightening. Again, as Werner said.
My depression sourced my self-imposed belief that although I had made a difference in the past, my time had now indeed passed. I sentenced me as “useless”. What was truly worse than dying, was not being able to contribute to others in some meaningful way.
There’s the poignant scene in Scott Cooper’s “Hostiles” starring Rosamund Pike and Christian Bale. Rosamund plays Mrs. Quaid, the young widow who had to bury her three daughters murdered by Comanche. Mrs. Quaid confesses to Bale’s Joseph, “Sometimes I envy the finality of death. The certainty. And I have to drive those thoughts away when I wake.” I’ve distinguished that feeling deep within. It’s terrifying. When you let go, that fear begins to release as well.
I practice compassion for others and forgiveness for me in healing my past experience of fear. My self-discovery is the on-going lesson. I discover a measure of freedom and peace within me.
I’ll never really know what’s going on internally within someone else. Yet, I do have a choice in the person I’m going to be. That’s not always easy. Werner Erhard said, “Anything you can let be, lets you be.”
Living inside my head, I became reclusive as not to burden friends. My breakthrough occurred a couple Thanksgivings ago. I had screwed up my holiday by not making plans ahead of time. So on Thanksgiving Day morning, I watched my favorite movie “Edge of Seventeen,” again. I finally got it: I really need to love and forgive me.
I texted my dear friend Erik. In past years I had spent Thanksgivings with Erik and his family. I texted Erik, “Happy Thanksgiving!” Erik said that they all missed me, too. He asked if I had any plans for Christmas. He invited me over to their home. I said that I had no plans, and would come down for Christmas.
So I went down and spent Christmas with Erik and his family. We were all family again. I got what I sold out in isolation, how much they all truly meant to me. They made a profound difference for me. Also, I got how much being there made a difference for them.
Steve eloquently said that our greatest fear isn’t dying. Our greatest fear is living in suffering. What makes you endure is what Steve and I discovered. Making even the smallest difference for others gives us life. There’s no requisite magnitude in making a difference. Making even the smallest difference for another allows you the freedom to be with your fear, whatever that may be.
Dear friend Cheryl says, “Take baby steps.” When you fear, listen for those, who walk beside you. I listen to Mom, “Jonny, slow down.” Calm my soul. I listen to Sensei Dan, “Wait it out.” Calm my mind.
I had dinner with Allyce, my late Sensei’s wife. She told me that before Dan passed that he wanted me to continue my Aikido training. Sensei’s love lives within me. I’m forever grateful for his belief in me. My time with him was our infinity.
An amazing 16-year-old earned his black belt certificate from Japan. I played a very small role in his accomplishment. I said, “I’m proud of you!” We all inherently want to give back to others. So that those who come after us gift something forward. Life becomes the living legacy.
In your darkest times look and listen for those who love you, who believe in you. When you’re afraid, that voice in your head isn’t saying, “Hey, you’re really awesome!” No. Listen to those, who listen to you as greater than you know.
Suicide is the 10th leading cause of death in the US according to the 2017 Center for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC) report. The CDC report suggests that suicide is “more than a mental health issue”. Data substantiate that suicide relates to personal suffering: failed relationships, physical decline, or substance abuse.
Perhaps, suicide occurs as the desperate solution when the fear of living in suffering becomes greater than the fear of dying? Recognizable and distinguishable thoughts. Regardless, that’s very sad. Some choose the “undiscovered country” over the undiscovered life.
We don’t know what goes inside another person. So have compassion for one another. Let others know that they are not alone. Whatever bad that occurs, that will be finite in time. That it will pass.
Fear surrounds all of us. That’s our physiology, our design. Fear is a consequence of what it is to be human. Yet, it’s also your design to be greater than you know you to be.
The people who love you, who believe in you create the possibility of the sun rising in the brand new day even in our darkest nights. Endure for greater than you know you to be. So that you may arise.
—
What’s your take on what you just read? Comment below or write a response and submit to us your own point of view or reaction here at the red box, below, which links to our submissions portal.
◊♦◊
Get the best stories from The Good Men Project delivered straight to your inbox, here.
◊♦◊
Sign up for our Writing Prompts email to receive writing inspiration in your inbox twice per week.
—
Photo credit: Pixabay