Some people describe their love in the following way: “I have no expectations for my partner, no feelings, I don’t want to go home, but there’s no need to break up.”
This statement may sound cold and heartless, but it is a necessary stage in an intimate relationship.
As the book “Intimate Relationships” points out, “If a relationship makes you suffer, it is making you grow and mature. As long as you get through the current conflict, your relationship will reach a higher level.” In fact, in a romantic relationship, both men and women cannot avoid facing “a hurdle”, which, once overcome, can lead to deeper love.
This hurdle is the feeling of weariness. When we feel tired or even pained in a relationship, it may not necessarily be a bad thing. As long as we overcome it, our relationship can become even closer.
My cousin has a lot of complaints about the fatigue in her relationship. She’s been with her boyfriend for five years, but their relationship has become worse instead of better. She feels like he’s especially impatient with her and always wants to keep his distance.
When they first got together, her boyfriend always left work on time and stayed close to her. They would go to the park together, or cuddle up and watch movies. But now, he often works late and comes home very late. Sometimes, he doesn’t even work late but just goes straight to his room to play on his phone, without wanting to spend time with her.
Before, he would always tell her who he was going to eat with and when he would be back. But now, when she asks, he doesn’t want to answer. And when she tries to talk to him, he ignores her or responds in a very indifferent way, which makes her very upset.
She complains to me that even the family dog is more affectionate than him. She’s starting to wonder if he’s cheating on her or if he’s fallen in love with another girl, otherwise, why would he be acting this way?
While her boyfriend was showering, she looked at his phone and found no evidence of cheating, even though the number of times he messaged female colleagues was very limited. It wasn’t until one day when she came home late from work and happened to see her boyfriend sitting alone in the car downstairs, with his eyes closed and seemingly resting for a long time.
Seeing this scene, my cousin was about to burst into tears. If he was cheating, she could at least vent her emotions at him. But it’s this lukewarm attitude that leaves her with no room for anger or frustration.
This deep sense of powerlessness has caused her to lose confidence in this relationship.
In fact, many couples face similar problems in their lives. After spending a long time together, they may feel tired and indifferent towards each other, rejecting multiple interactions, and feeling exhausted in this relationship.
Even if they don’t have any major problems, they may feel tired of this relationship. But in fact, this tiredness seems scary, but it’s not that terrifying. This phase precisely proves that they have entered the “emotional fatigue period” in psychology.
The reason why love arises is that both parties can satisfy each other’s needs. For example, a partner may have skills that you don’t possess, and being with them can make you a better person.
My cousin’s boyfriend particularly likes working out, and when he shows off his physique to her, it’s an irresistible temptation for her who doesn’t like exercising but admires a good body. And because the cousin enjoys reading, her enriching inner world also attracts her boyfriend who doesn’t like reading. Plus, the cousin’s calm personality makes her boyfriend see her as a peaceful home where he can always rest.
So, as the two people spend time together, the parts they lack will be filled by the other person.
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However, as time passes, when we absorb some of the other person’s traits, the freshness of our partner will decrease.
After all, the qualities of the other person are limited. They cannot always meet all your needs, nor can they always fill the void in your heart.
And this is the real reason why the cousin’s boyfriend feels emotionally tired of her.
Moreover, many people believe that once they have an intimate relationship, they can be carefree and don’t need to make any changes. They can just be comfortable and stay that way.
Before finding a partner, many people know how to improve themselves, work hard to become better, and attract excellent partners.
But after being together, they think that the relationship is already stable, and as long as they don’t cross the bottom line, the other person won’t leave.
However, the problem is that love always flows.
Being together is just the beginning, and to continue to attract each other, we should always change ourselves, although not as hard as when we first started. We also need to update ourselves appropriately.
Therefore, this also puts them in the wrong concept of love, thinking that love can be everlasting.
Those who can face the period of emotional fatigue in their relationship with a positive attitude will treat their relationships in a more mature way. They will actively seek new ways of getting along, rather than allowing problems to become more complicated.
Just like the cousin and her boyfriend, her boyfriend is finding new ways to solve the emotional fatigue period, but the cousin doesn’t understand. This is when the relationship truly begins to have problems.
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If you clearly feel tired of the current relationship, it means there are problems in your relationship. Even if you look for a new partner, you will still use immature ways to solve emotional problems, and the period of fatigue will always come.
However, we can change ourselves to make the relationship better. First, we need to introspect in time and find the existence of fatigue. The appearance of anything has its roots and reasons. You can ask yourself in your heart: when did this fatigue appear? What needs are hidden behind the fatigue? What should I change? Different needs have different ways of change, and only by prescribing the right medicine can we achieve good results.
Secondly, establish common goals between each other. From a psychological point of view, if couples always do the same thing together, their degree of happiness will be higher. If you have different job natures, you can set the same goal as each other. For example, you can go to the supermarket together, cook together, save money together, and so on. Even if the final goal cannot be achieved, the relationship will become closer because of participation in the goal.
Finally, face it calmly and allow the appearance of fatigue. This is like the final return to plainness between husband and wife. The problem of fatigue always appears in the relationship, it’s just a matter of time. We need to find the hidden problems behind fatigue and see if we can solve them ourselves. But don’t set too high goals or demand to achieve them within a certain period of time. Maintenance is required for any relationship, but it’s voluntary for both parties and not forced by one, otherwise, it won’t be effective.
In fact, love is inherently uncertain. It can change, evolve, and experience betrayal and indifference. Even so, it can still give us strength in critical moments. Therefore, we should try to change constantly and take control of our emotions in order to overcome periods of apathy and take our relationships to the next level.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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