When I was a kid, I heard the song “We Shall Overcome,” sometimes called the anthem of the Black civil rights movement in the 1960s, many times over. I still find the song stirring and moving, whether as recorded by the SNCC Freedom Singers or Peter, Paul and Mary.
That word, overcome, seems to imply a triumph over evil and/or peril that I can’t face as a white person, specifically racism. Today I see a lot of people across a range of experiences monetize their experiences through the lens of overcoming.
I’m not here to suggest that the word is only for specific purposes and has been misappropriated–there are other examples of that, to be clear, but in my mind, the use of overcome is not one of them.
However, I do think the word has been misused. I’ve heard a lot of talk of disabled people “overcoming” their disabilities and related issues–not the least of which is in my life, when people act like my supposedly not appearing autistic (because of heavy socialization and perhaps masking) is a triumph of some kind.
I’ll let you in on a secret: I haven’t overcome jack shit. And that’s okay.
I still have rage about my childhood, and it’s not up to anyone to say my triumphs override those low points. They don’t. Both are part of my journey.
But I get so tired of people saying I’ve overcome my disabilities, bullying, abuse, victimhood. It’s dismissive of pain I still deal with, and more importantly, there’s nothing wrong with not overcoming anything. I wish more autistic influencers who get publicity for “overcoming” autism understood that.
I still have anger, I still have resentment, and you know what? Maybe that’s healthy. Or maybe it’s healthy to acknowledge my anger and resentment instead of denying their presence in my life. I don’t believe anger and resentment are toxic for everyone, but I certainly understand that perspective; posing all resentment as toxic, however, just ignores issues of power and inequity that people have a right to be enraged about.
But the main thing I’ve learned about overcoming anything, including disabilities, concerns working through issues, not overcoming them.
Working through issues implies that overcoming isn’t worth seeking–nor is it realistic or even possible.
To be clear, I don’t want to work through or overcome autism; I would absolutely love to overcome ableism, but thinking that’s possible is a misreading of what ableism is: institutionalized prejudice against disabled people. In other words, I might overcome specific incidents of ableist language or actions, but ableism itself is much bigger than that. I would like to simultaneously challenge and work through the pain of institutionalized prejudice, especially as autistic.
The idea of working through also counters dominant self-help culture that privileges narratives of resolution. Most processes in my life–growth, for example–are just that: processes, not events. That means “healing” is a massive fiction we tell ourselves to feel better–if we conceive it as having a distinct endpoint.
That leads to another question: what is healing, anyway? Could all the narratives about healing and resolution of trauma be a metaphorical crock of shit?
To be fair, I co-wrote a book called The Decision to Heal: Pathways from Suffering to Love, but I’ve come to believe that the idea of healing or recovery, which I’ve long thought of as complex and nonlinear, isn’t so much about resolution as it is about struggle. It takes work to heal, but it takes more realistic work to be honest about healing.
Here are five truths I have come to realize about overcoming and working through disability issues:
1. My autism–or any disability–isn’t worth overcoming or working through. Ableism is.
2. Denial/minimization is not the path for working through anything.
3. There’s nothing wrong with living as disabled; it’s just constructed as wrong by a larger society.
In fact, society creates the category of disability in the first place.
4. Person-first language is condescending and perpetuates the idea that disabilities are something to be ashamed of.
I’m an autistic person, not a “person with autism”–the latter makes it sound like autism is a shameful accessory to who I am, rather than an integral part of it. I have nothing to be ashamed of with my autism–and yes, I have had significant behavior issues that were much more prominent when I was a kid. That doesn’t change my mind about autism being nothing to be ashamed of.
5. I don’t need healing or acknowledgment of my issues from others. I need to work to find acceptance within me–sometimes with others’ help–to work through my issues.
Outside resources can be very helpful (and some ideas are below), but ultimately, it’s up to me to work through trauma and anything else I’m struggling with.
Here are five ways I work through and process my issues:
1. Writing
Writing, especially by hand, channels my resources in ways that I can’t do otherwise.
2. Community
I work to find different communities to belong to–and if one isn’t right for me, I keep looking. Yes, individual reflection can matter more, but social resources can help a lot.
3. Performing
I’ve been doing a lot of storytelling, singing and playing at open mics, and karaoke. It’s fun but it also channels artistic resources and community in ways that help people relate to whatever I’m doing, especially personal storytelling.
4. Walking
I’ve been doing a lot more walking in the last year, and while I don’t think exercise is a cure-all, it does help me work through issues and maybe get out of my head.
5. Reading
I don’t pretend that reading gives me empathy (see Elaine Castillo’s How to Read Now for a brilliant critique of that idea), but it does offer enlightening perspectives that can reframe what I’m dealing with. Audiobooks are great for this, especially as a slow reader with ADHD.
What is your relationship to overcoming and/or working through your issues?
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