Hey Glitch:
How am I supposed to parent with an emotionally abusive partner?
Signed,
Rock and Hard Place
First, let me say I am so sorry for what you are going through. Writing to seek advice on this very delicate and ongoing matter is a good first step, but you will likely also need to seek therapy.
Yes, children can be used as pawns in a divorce or breakup to hurt the other parent. We see it and hear of it happening all the time. The ones who get hurt the worst are the kids. No contest.
If you are both civil to each other, you could attempt to sit down and talk about your concerns, speaking from your point-of-view, and advocating for your child. Resist accusing the other parent and assigning blame. It puts people on the defense immediately. Sometimes, people need to be heard when they are acting out in a way that hurts us. Sometimes, we may not realize how we have hurt them.
I am not saying this behavior is okay at all. Taking the time to understand why a person is acting the way they are is important–if this can be managed. When they feel heard, they may self-correct their hurtful behavior.
If you can’t talk to your ex and feel shut down, or as if they are not listening to you and you have tried to talk to them multiple times, it is time for intervention from a third party. A family mediator acting as a disinterested third party can help you both understand boundaries and what is not acceptable–as long as you both agree to it.
Sometimes even a mediator won’t work. Sometimes, even the courts won’t work on your behalf, and the other parent keeps hurting you through the child–which, of course, hurts the child more. This calls for a new plan of diminishing the pain the child is feeling. It requires that you don’t speak poorly of the other parent and explain the rules in your household. If your child says that they have different rules at the other parent’s house that are not harmful to them, but not the way you would do things, let them know, that’s okay. But you still have rules at your house, and you will help them to remember what they are. Staying centered on your own household and minimizing contact as well as adhering to agreed-upon rules and conduct is important. Even if the mediator didn’t work out, you can draft a document of what you would like a parenting agreement to be. Transferring the blame to the document when things go wrong defuses tension between two people.
Concentrate on your child and ensure you don’t make the situation worse for them by being difficult or threatening in your communication with the other parent. Try handing the other parent an olive branch as well. If they want to take your child on a day you normally have them because they have planned a special event they would like your child to be a part of, it won’t kill you to let your kiddo go. Often, softening in these ways makes a person feel valued and important. A valued and important person is more likely to return the same to you.
There are naturally some exceptions: do not attempt communication with an ex you don’t feel safe around. Let the authorities handle that. If the other person wants to continue to verbally abuse you and refuses mediation, they still have rights. This is a very tough and bitter pill to swallow. We have to stay within the confines of the law even when we are spoken to horribly. This doesn’t give a parent the right to take visitation away. Sometimes, we have to parent with nasty people. As long as we are doing everything in our power to limit contact (you can establish a neutral drop-off location), protect the child, only discuss issues concerning the child and uphold visitation–and there is no threat of physical harm–many challenges such as these resolve themselves. People intent on hurting you find that the intensity of their feelings lessen over time, and parenting falls into a routine that is more beneficial to all.
Parenting with a person intent on hurting you is not black and white. There are many shades of gray. A bully, no matter who they are in your life when you refuse to engage, will lose interest and move on. As long as there is no physical threat, you may have to wait it out while protecting and distancing yourself.
If your child is projecting onto you how the other parent feels, let your child know firmly that you will not allow that. They are not to call you names or hurt you in any way, and they need to know there will be discipline for that. This type of treatment is pretty short-lived, and as the child grows, the time living with two parents increases, and the breakup or divorce becomes a thing of the past, the child’s hurtful behavior will become a thing of the past, too. Being a loving, consistent, and fair parent in the eyes of your child means that they will come to see you through that lens. They will make up their own mind about you. It’s okay to let them know that your feelings get hurt when they call you names, etc. If they are old enough to understand that, it might be enough for them to stop the behavior on their own.
Wishing you a much better situation, Rock. You and your child deserve that.
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