I want to get to the bottom of my unresolved issues, most of them due to domestic violence in my lifetime, however, as I uncover one issue, there are more behind it.
I hate peeling onions. They make tears come to my eyes, and pretty soon I am a geyser. I peel away, cry, move forward and continue to build my toolbox.
My memory storage is a never-ending supplier of new onions.
Just when I think I have arrived, I realize the cargo ship placed on the dock of my memory another shipment of raw, white, and healthy onions.
My work is only beginning. It is ever — only beginning.
The work for our growth and change is ongoing. We step forward, make changes, and slip back into routine when we feel confident the overcoming part is complete. In the zone of complacency, we revel in our unaware state. Life is good. We bask in the glow of warmth and fake security. The onion ship is arriving tonight at 11:53 PM, and we are unprepared for its arrival.
The knives began to peel the first load of onions. The tears begin to fall. We wipe away some tears, “Where did this come from?” and we feel like we are drowning in a depth of despair only Anne of Green Gables would understand.
If you have ever worked to find a way to peel an onion without the tale-tell tears, then you’ll understand how hard it is to implement.
Get a blender out, put a half cup of water into the blender, slice the onion in four parts, put it in the blender, cover with the lid, blend in pulse mode for about ten pulses. Your onion is cut up and you can put it in the soup — however, when you dump it out, I am sorry to say, you’ll feel the sting.
Not a spraying, burning sting from rubbing your eyes with onion juice remnants, rather a little tear might form, just enough to warn you, “Hey, I am still an onion and you can’t get rid of me that fast” type of thought.
Memories are like that. They sneak up upon you and then, bam!!!!
They send a little bump of THOUGHT. Nursed long enough the thought becomes a FEELING, and the feeling accompanied by tears, anger, fear, and so forth, spills over and you have the good ole ACTION (reaction, react, respond in verbal attacks). Albert Ellis’ work explores more on REBT and the simple A-B-C-D-E model.
A: activating event (anything which awakens the triggers inside of you)
B: Beliefs about the event (feelings)
C: Consequences: what action/reaction did you take emotionally
D: Disputing the issue: Debunking the irrational thought patterns
E: Effect of challenging the emotional consequences
Using the model above helped me maneuver the field of trauma and personal loss, pain, and fear. It took time to implement the concepts. The old me kept showing up, peeler in hand, ready to counter rational thinking with my overly sensitive, emotional, irrational thoughts.
I started using a new focus recently, which is proving dynamic.
It is a simple, direct way to shift my thinking.
Every time I feel (notice the feeling shows up first, then the thinking takes off), I catch the thought and say, out loud, (not shouting unless I am alone, I do have some control), CHANGE! The simple word, I wrote in the palm of my hand. CHANGE! Means I take the time to shift my thinking so my brain has a chance to choose my response. I can gauge whether my thinking is rational or irrational by the ability to shift. A simple word, makes major strides in my thinking.
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Healing From the Layers
It is possible to heal.
It is possible to peel back layers of the onion and not have an emotional response, like tears. When the body signals to the brain it is healing, the emotional response lessens. It does not impact the circuitry of the limbic system, sending hot signals all over the brain pathways indicating deep concern and a need to protect oneself.
Practicing the REBT model of the ABC+ components makes a difference in how one reacts to triggers. The more you work on the incoming data and note where it is coming from (the source), note where in the body you feel it and why (beliefs and sensations), the sooner you can understand how those two areas impact the consequences of how one feels about specific events in their life.
Take for instance, the memory of someone who was abused over two decades emotionally. They experienced sound (voice), sight (what visual cues were in place while the sounds or lack thereof were present), touch (harsh movements or neglect of any physical touch), and smells (body wash, cologne, etc). These sensations all sent message into the limbic system to develop an overly sensitive communication to the body so the person was protected. Over time, the communication became automatic. The abused individual would response instantly inside of themselves, protect their responses and reactions so they were safe, and if they got through without abuse, the pathways in the brain set down new trails: this is what you do to be safe. And the cycle for the traumatized person repeats itself.
Now, after several years of working on themselves, some distance from the perpetrator, and the ability to separate their emotional responses to the actual actions of the individual abuser, the victim hears the voice of the abuser. Nothing happens. They listen closer. Nothing happens. No movement in the brain or the body signals any threat. The body is calm. They listen to the intonations, the same gurgle to clear the throat, the same tilt to the voice and absolutely nothing comes up inside of the person. In surprise they want to celebrate with a margarita, (since they don’t drink, they resist choose a Snicker’s bar).
* * *
The person I described above is none other than myself. I sit here amazed. In reality, I feel the freest I have felt in over 31 years. Imagine a life time of emotional abuse and then feeling free. It is impressive.
Now, my experience is personal. Not everyone will have the same response.
Like the lotus flower, which comes up from the muddy ponds, and blooms, so too, does the soul which becomes healed free itself from the mire of pain and grief.
* * *
Recovery: Time and Patience
We each have our own onion bags, different types of onions, different sizes, and certainly different strengths of onion enzymes.
Recovery from irrational thought patterns and recovery from domestic violence among other traumatic experiences is personal. Recovery is not a one-fits-all experience. I have other onions to peel in my lifetime. I am sure, the skins peeled back will reveal some nasty enzymes and my eyes will water like no other. And, when the day arrives, I will continue to work with myself, empathize with myself, sit with myself in the present moment of pain and allow the feelings to be and to allow them to move through me. I think those times are the building blocks to successful healing.
Many people want to through out the peeler, and they are left with a bag of onions, sitting there, taking up space. Onions will last a long time. Even if some mold grows on them, the onion, wrapped in its little skins, will sit there, waiting for someone to set to work.
Trauma (onions) takes time to heal from and you may need to seek help. A great article discusses trauma and steps you can take on your own to find relief is a good first step toward letting the onion peelings happen in a healthy and focused way.
Lawrence Robinson, Melinda Smith, M.A., and Jeanne Segal, Ph.D. suggest some strategies to help you move from the traumatic, overwhelming experiences to finding peace and locating a good therapist if needed. It does not hurt to give the ideas a try on your own, however, if you begin to feel overwhelmed, the best choice is to seek assistance.
Focus on Now
Changing from a trauma focus to a healing focus means staying in the present space you occupy, even if you shift your thinking briefly to understand why you react the way you do. You might move over and pick up the bag of onions, so to speak, and then, one by one, you examine them without actually peeling any particular one.
Return to the present moment as often as you are able.
Staying present helps to lessen the past impact. Visit the past only long enough to gather data, then return. Pace yourself. Using simple tactical items, like onions, peelers, tears, and the word, CHANGE, you will begin to capture your thinking patterns and control them in the channels best suited for a shift in your response time to traumatic memory, feelings, and the hot system which loves to show up when you least expect it too.
Every single time you claim your mind and shift the dynamic, you take control over the onions and the peeler. You can choose when to do the work and when to let it rest. The best advice I have received was, “You can always slow down healing, but you cannot speed it up” (Occupational Therapist helping me with my arm injury).
I learned, the hard, long way, it is my choice to slow down.
~Just a thought by Pamela
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Previously published on Medium.com.
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Photo credit: fran hogan on Unsplash