There are certain things in life you wish you could un-see. The genies that you’d like to put back into the bottle. The clocks that you’d like to permanently wind backwards.
I sometimes wish I could go back in time to the summer of 2014 — as far as I can remember, that’s when I first encountered the world of personal development. I think of it as a ‘sliding-doors’ moment when my life could have gone one of two ways:
- I could have carried on pursuing the same path — ignorant to the potential that might have been lurking within me but basically happy enough with my lot in life, or;
- I could embark upon what now seems like a radical process of examining and in many ways, redesigning my life to optimise for productivity, growth and betterment.
Rightly or wrongly I committed to the path of improvement. It’s been a rollercoaster ride, to say the least.
A Voyage of Self-Discovery
I use personal development as an umbrella term for all things related to self-help, self-improvement and personal growth. It’s a world where gurus and luminaries (both the established and the self-appointed) share their own brand of wisdom. It comes packaged as seminars, coaching, mentorship, apps, books, video and audio — all are intended to help the average to achieve excellence.
Personal development is about undertaking radical changes in how we live in order that we can reach our full potential and live our best lives.
The typical prescription often includes radical shifts in lifestyle and mindset, enabled through a series of habits, hacks and gung-ho philosophies intended to raise our expectations from life and from ourselves.
It’s the world of titans such as Tony Robbins, Jim Rohn, Zig Ziglar and more recently, a number of poor-quality imitators. Most have taken the same basic messages and then built careers upon helping those who want to help themselves to get more from life. Many of the gurus are legit, with armies of devoted followers. There are plenty of charlatans and snake-oil salesmen too.
Personal development offers the prospect of radical shifts and positive effects for those who are willing to put in the work and actually apply the theories and practices in their lives. Many have likely raised their aspirations for life and subsequently gone on to achieve great things as a result of it. Many others have likely been disappointed by the outcomes. In a lot of cases this will likely boil down to them not having done the work to make the changes for themselves.
What Are You Searching For?
I can’t recall what first drew me to the world of personal development — maybe it was a chance encounter with a book or motivational YouTube video that lured me into the rabbit hole. Perhaps it coincided with me turning forty and my growing sense that there must be more to life?
Whatever the prompt it was a point in my life at which so much of who I was and how I lived would change forever — both for better and worse.
In many ways, I’m a better person now in terms of how I live and what I get out of life compared to the person I was. In other ways, I often feel like I’m less comfortable in my own skin than I was — less satisfied with my lot in life and less certain about my purpose.
Maybe that’s the point? At five years into the journey, maybe I’m still in the process of breaking things down before building back better and stronger?
In this excellent piece discussing self-help in the age of Covid, Jessica Wildfire proposes that the proliferation of self-improvement right now isn’t useful in helping us navigate modern life. Seeking to relentlessly improve ourselves may not be a healthy or appropriate response to the challenges of the time. Instead, it’s placing an unhelpful and unwarranted pressure on us to improve in order to make up for shortcomings in society. It’s an interesting notion.
Personal development can certainly change your life forever — that’s the promise of the rhetoric from those who tout it.
I want to unpack the positive and the negative ways that it’s changed my life, to present a balanced view.
The Positives
There have undoubtedly been marked improvements in who I am and what I get out of life and I don’t want to downplay how much I value these. Much of it comes from changing my overall mindset and approach to life.
I live more consciously, deliberately and mindfully than I did.
I’ve dabbled with many of the commonly recommended habits promoted in personal development. These are supposed to change your life in many ways, by boosting energy, promoting mental clarity and focus, increasing motivation, promoting productivity and supercharging our zest for life. Many of these habits have stuck for the long-term.
I routinely wake early in a bid to get the most out of life and respecting the preciousness of time. I’ve explored and experimented with meditation, journalling, breathing exercises, cold showers and numerous diet and exercise regimes to supercharge my waking hours.
Many of these delivered genuine benefits. Those that haven’t, I’ve let go of.
I’ve always been purposeful in how I live my life but since 2014 my approach has been way more structured and scientific than before. I think the positive results are evident in my accomplishments in work and my personal life.
I’m more productive than ever before.
There’s no doubt that I get a lot more out of my time. Pre-2014 my productivity was limited to the hours spent in work. I’d regularly take naps during the working day, but out of lethargy and apathy rather than because I was genuinely tired. My commitment to healthy living would alternate between booms and busts. I was unfocused and careless with money. I didn’t think about goals or what I wanted from life, other than ‘more of the same’.
Post-2014 I’ve pursued numerous different side-projects to try and stretch and extend myself, to learn new skills and to generate illusive passive income to improve mine and my family’s lives. I’ve written and self-published 5 books. I’ve written over 300 articles on Medium. I’ve written for Huffington Post, Thrive Global, The Good Men Project and others. I’ve had an article published in a UK national newspaper, been interviewed in another national paper and on live radio in Ireland.
I’ve hosted webinars, been interviewed on podcasts and launched my own podcast too. I’ve built websites, online communities and digital training courses and membership sites. Some have made a little money and many have flopped.
All of these ventures demanded time and energy alongside of my day job. The volume of work put in has surpassed what I could ever contemplate putting in again if I had to start from scratch.
I’ve no idea if it has been worth it or not in real terms, or fundamentally whether it has made me happy either. I’ll come onto that shortly.
There’s no doubt though, I get a lot more done these days than I used to.
Others seem impressed by my progress.
I’m not generally concerned about what others think of me. I realise the true measure of success comes from how we feel inside.
That said, feedback from those who know me best is that they’re impressed by what I’ve achieved since 2014. The differences in me as a person, in my energy and outlook are apparently noticeable. That I’m more focussed and consistent in regards to my health and fitness is often noted.
On many fronts, I seem to present a more positive and rounded version of myself than I once did. I do more. I devote my energy and attention with focus rather than simply getting through each day. I guess that in itself is a big positive?
The Negatives
I have unrealistic expectations of myself and often feel demoralised.
Much of personal development stems from setting audacious goals and then taking radical and often uncomfortable actions to make it happen — it’s a scientific blend of aspiration and perspiration. It also seems like common sense — if you want to accomplish things then you’ve got to put in the work.
I feel that I’ve put in a decent show of doing the work in each project I’ve taken on, but I’ve struggled to appreciate the progress and results achieved without also fixating on the disappointments.
Goals are essential for directing efforts and measuring progress, but I’ve found the pressure that they bring about has often worked as a negative for me. I set unrealistic goals for myself and then feel demoralised by the lack of progress. The goals become a tool for beating myself up with.
I’ve emphasised the levels of productivity that I’ve achieved which is in itself pleasing. But when I consider how much reward I’ve received from those efforts (in terms of money, impact and positive feedback) I often find it hard to be anything other than disappointed.
Through personal development, I’ve chosen to focus on working hard and trying to make successes of a number of projects. Results have often made me feel inferior and demoralised rather than inspired and successful.
I find it really hard to relax without feeling guilty.
I now struggle to allow myself time off to simply relax. To switch off and just ‘be’ feels like an unfocused and unproductive waste of time. A nagging voice inside tells me that I could be using that time positively to improve myself and work towards my goals.
I feel bad if I listen to music while driving when I could be listening to a self-improvement audiobook or podcast. I’ve missed out on reading for fun and rarely allow myself to read and enjoy fiction. Instead I default to the long list of worthy non-fiction reads that I’ve built up over time and berate myself if I don’t finish every page of every book regardless of whether the engage me or not. I reject popular boxsets on Netflix in favour of documentaries.
My wife laments that we used to have more fun and that life was more relaxed and light-hearted. She says that I used to be more chilled-out and happy-go-lucky. I might pacify her with notions that I’m trying to be a better version of myself for her benefit and mine, but deep down I know she’s right in many ways.
I feel compelled to take life more seriously and not to waste time, energy or attention — it’s something I see as a failing and that I’m trying to overcome. Right now, to relax and abandon the hustle seems like a waste of precious time.
I know that in many ways my wife would like the ‘old me’ back. I wonder if perhaps I would too?
I often feel jealous and inadequate compared to others.
I’ve recently resolved not to dispense any advice that I’ve not managed to apply successfully and consistently in my own life. It was quite a revelation when I noticed the extent that I was guilty of doing the opposite. But it’s a tough habit to break.
I’ve evangelised on the dangers of comparing ourselves to others and yet it’s something that I can’t do frequently. I pick the most unlikely and irrelevant people to measure my progress against and then berate myself for not measuring up to them. It seems justifiable as part of the mantra of aiming high, but it serves only to make me feel bad.
Even when I compare where I am now with where I used to be, I see that progress by many measures has been negligible.
I’ve written often about the need to focus on loving the process rather than fixating on goals and outcomes. Yet I monitor stats relentlessly and look at numbers to measure progress — I can’t help it.
Jealousy is insidious, and while I could (and maybe should) feel proud of the progress I’ve made with many projects and in improving myself, the joy of that seems to have been lost somehow.
I envy those who simply get on with life and are content in themselves.
I envy those who are happy with their lot. In essence, I envy my old self in many ways.
Before I delved into personal development and put myself and my aspirations under the microscope I was largely happy. I had a decent career (which I still have thankfully — I haven’t quit in favour of my side-projects thank goodness). Back in the day I was contented with that. I didn’t feel the need for bigger goals, or a drive to quit and be my own boss.
Life was simpler before I brought about the complications for myself through my own actions and choices.
I could quit my other projects tomorrow of course but then I’d go through life wondering what could have been. I’m not sure I could handle the risk of denying myself of the successes that were potentially just around the corner.
The thought of quitting doesn’t seem viable anyway — I can’t un-see things I’ve seen. I can’t put the personal development genie back in the bottle.
Final Thought
There’s a lot to love about personal development and self-help. Many don’t believe they are capable of much in life unless they’re blessed to have someone around them to provide that assurance and push them on. Personal development can provide that stimulus.
Even for those of us blessed with a supportive and encouraging family, it provides a useful nudge that maybe we could be getting more out of life and could be doing more to identify and fulfill our potential.
Like so many investments, exercise regimes and other voluntary choices that we make, the key is to go into personal development with your eyes open.
There’s a lot to gain for sure. But do you really want to put everything about yourself under the spotlight? Are you prepared to change the way you live and accept all the consequences of that change, even if it serves to make you less comfortable and contented than you were to begin with?
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Previously Published on medium
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