I’ve been thinking a lot about disorders, PTSD in particular, post-traumatic stress disorder is basically the body’s response to trauma. Trauma is an overwhelming event that is unable to be processed fully in the moment; trauma is an intelligent system that keeps us connected to the flow of life, it might freeze our capacities to do certain things, or to remember certain things, or to feel certain emotions, but it does allow us to survive, and continue to thrive in life in certain ways, and although trauma will always return to us to be healed in cyclical ways, throughout life, it does allow us to continue to live amongst incredibly challenging aspects of experience.
If we think of the flow of life as a river, then trauma is like an iced-over part of it. We can live with trauma, yet, when the waters of life keep flowing past the frozen parts, friction is caused. If there is another stressful event, we can think of it as snow falling on the river, if it falls in the parts of the river that are water, it dissolves, if it falls on the parts of the river that is frozen then it builds up, piles up, creates tension. I heard this imagery from Thomas Hübl recently, and it speaks to the diminished stress response that I have experienced through PTSD, the stresses and strains of life and relationship became very challenging, the ability — the margin of processing space that I had available, for me to process these scenarios became very small. It was almost like my river had been slimmed down to a small trickle, a stream winding through amassed sections of ice.
I started to explore my trauma in psychotherapy, I learned the need for safe relational space — really the most important aspect of healing. I pay the psychotherapist for two reasons:
- To provide a safe relational space.
- For her knowledge around mental processes, trauma, mental health, and safe practises in healing, and resolving the trauma.
Through this exploration I started to melt the areas of the frozen aspects of me, I started to have more capacity to relate, but it didn’t necessarily bring me more peace and fulfilment in all my relationships.
One huge block to relation is shame, which has an irony to it because shame is the fear of disconnection and yet it causes the disconnection that is feared. One way that shame disconnects people is silence, another way is only sharing half-truths for fear that the other person will be hurt by what you’re saying, or will get angry, and abandon you. This is a common enough fear.
To be frank, feeling marginalised by trauma is sometimes a reality and it must be observed. Not everyone can get over their own stigmas, fears, or re-traumatisations, around the experience that you might have experienced. It is important to find a safe relational space in which you can heal in, before trying to change any of these dynamics. You can’t serve yourself or others from an empty cup.
The antidote to shame is empathy, and there are many ways that you can miss empathy. Brené Brown’s work in this area states that empathy misses include:
- Sympathy — Having to be a knower, or feeling bad for, not feeling bad with.
- Gasp and awe — Not being able to believe the circumstance or the feelings.
- Mighty fall — disappointment of failure in others.
- Block and tackle — so uncomfortable with vulnerability that you scold them. “I can’t believe you acted that way.”
- Boots and shovel — need to make it better out of your own desperation.
- If you think that’s bad…. — confusing connection with competition.
The empathy skills are communicated like this:
- See the world as others see it, or perspective taking.
- To be non-judgemental.
- To understand another person’s feelings.
- To communicate your understanding of that person’s feelings.
- Mindfulness, heartfulness, paying attention.
The empathetic environment precipitates the sharing. Without this the relationship won’t progress with trust, and therefore higher levels of honesty.
She also says:
“I agree to practise empathy, screw it up, circle back, clean it up, and try again.”
Yes, we all screw empathy up, but without circling back to it, and creating a safe space for feedback, it won’t be possible to repair the rupture.
We all find people who we can practise this with in our lives, that’s why some friendships don’t work out and others do, because there’s a willingness to circle back and hold space for the other’s emotion without needing to impose upon it. Most people know what they need, they just want to be heard, and seen in their pain or their joy.
If there is a relationship that doesn’t provide this space adequately, and either side of the relationship desperately want, or feel like they need, the support, it creates tension and stress. Developmental trauma around emotional neglect in childhood is created within this dynamic.
Here’s where we get to the framing around stress.
Kelly McGonical shared a TED talk in 2013 around research that suggests that it’s the way that you approach stressful situations that matters. McGonical is a Stanford psychologist who: “..translates academic research into practical strategies for health, happiness and personal success.”
The research said that people who approached stress as if it would be useful to them experienced less constricted arteries; constricted arteries contribute to heart complications. The TED talk also states that oxytocin is key in the experience of stress.
Most of us think of oxytocin as the “cuddle hormone” which is released when we give our loved ones a hug, but actually it is a stress hormone, released when we feel stress in order to seek, and bond, with those closest with us in times of need. It also helps us to notice when people we care about are stressed, so we can be more aware and available for them. It is also a natural anti-inflammatory and helps to protect the cardio vascular system by allowing the body to relax during stress. Incredibly, the heart has a receptor for the oxytocin hormone, which helps heart cells to regenerate.
The pumping heart that I feel sometimes when i’m stressed is also present during ecstasy, and joyful states. There is a light and a shadow side to all states of being. The difference is how I see it, what meaning I place upon it. People who spend time caring for others, create a resilience around stress. That speaks to me of lovingkindness practises in buddhism; creating a lake of lovingkindness that consumes all aspects of your life.
Stress is stress, and i’m a big fan of being aware of reality. McGonigal states, and I agree with her: “I wouldn’t exactly ask for more stress in my life, but this science has given me a whole new appreciation for stress.” Understanding, and placing meaning in stress seems to be the key to allowing it to not dominate you.
Back to the PTSD.
I remember when I first looked into the symptoms of PTSD, I was relieved, labelling something is good for awareness, and regulation, it gave me the idea that I wasn’t crazy, that the symptoms I was experiencing which aren’t a part of normalised society were actually normal in that context.
As time went by though I became more attached to the idea of victimhood, and being disordered, which was something that I needed to intentionally work on. I really liked the phrase that I read, I think it was in An Unspoken Voice by Peter Levine, which said that if PTSD is framed as an injury it is easier to understand that it won’t dominate us forever, or like Thomas Hübl’s imagery claims, it’s just an aspect of ourselves that is frozen and needs intentional effort, and love.
Disorders often become a shaming point, a way for people to be dismissed as troubled, or inadequate. A block to be able to feel love, empathy, and acceptance; connection. This connection is essential for human beings to live long, healthy and fulfilled lives. The blue zone areas, where people live longer than any others found a number of positive aspects of life such as a good nutritional diet but it also discovered that the people that lived the longest lived amongst a culture of a strong connective narrative. They were supported in their roles in their communities. I came across an idea last week, from Byron Katie, that said: “this thing happened to me, and I deserve to be free.” Life isn’t linear, our journies in life aren’t linear, and the river doesn’t run through the valley in a straight line. Both are true, we exist alongside our troubles. The TED talk says that following meaning, instead of trying to avoid discomfort, and trusting that I can handle the stress, instead of ruminating and worrying, creates the environment within my body, mind, and spirit for it to happen. That’s some metaphysical brilliance!
It’s how I frame the experience that allows my body to deal with it proactively. This isn’t a call for denial, it’s always better to face reality, and face the truth of what i’m dealing with, yet I can affect how my body sets me to deal with it.
How about we frame PTSD as an injury, as a curiosity, as a frozen aspect to be melted and discovered, as an opportunity for ourselves to know ourselves better, and as an opportunity to hold our loved ones through an incredibly hard and healing journey?
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Previously Published on medium
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