For the past week or so, my wife has been practicing random acts of kindness. Nothing earth-shattering, really. Just paying for a stranger’s candy bar or gum at the grocery store or Target. It was her way of making a small difference, encouraging kindness, and spreading some non-denominational cheer during the season. And while the recipient of her good deeds had been slightly puzzled at first, they quickly got the idea and thanked her once she explained. They felt good, my wife felt good, and the world was a slightly kinder place for the price of a Snickers.
So I decided I’d try it. After all, I share my wife’s philosophy about how the simple act of being nice to each other could turn this world around faster than any legislation, religion or infomercial.
On the way into work on Friday, I stopped into a Dunkin Donuts to pick up an Egg Nog Latte (don’t judge me, it’s hot liquid crack), determined to buy coffee for whoever followed me in line. It was a simple and perfect plan, until I got into the store. There was no line. It was so slow in the donut shop, the two women working the register both asked me for my order. “Medium Egg Nog Latte, thanks.” One rang me up while the other started my drink, and I paid, disappointed that my random act of kindness had been stymied by a slow economy. But just as I got my change, the woman at the counter looked over my shoulder and asked, “Hi, can I take your order?”
“Large hazelnut coffee, please.”
I hadn’t heard anyone come into the store, but I thought, “Perfect!” I still had cash in hand, plenty to pay for a coffee, and so as I turned to face the unseen person, I said aloud. “You know, I’d like to…”
And that’s when I saw her.
Early 20s. Blonde. Petite. Cute. Prettily put together in a little down vest and black leggings. She looked like she should be in a Kohl’s catalogue.
I stopped speaking immediately, awkwardly stuffed my change back into my pocket, and shuffled down to the other end of the counter to await my latte. I could not buy this woman coffee for one simple reason. I am a man, and I knew there was no way it would be viewed as a random act of kindness.
Maybe when a 42-year-old married man holds a door for a young woman, it can be viewed as manners or thoughtfulness. But if that same man tries to purchase a beverage of any kind for that same woman, it’s viewed, at least, as a flirtation and at worst, an obvious pick-up attempt.
I’ve told this story to male friends, female friends, co-workers, other writers at The Good Men Project and my wife, and no one has offered up any kind of argument to the contrary. Not a one of them has told me, “You’re being silly. You would’ve made her day!” There wasn’t a single person who has disagreed with the following:
If I had finished my sentence, “I’d like to buy her coffee too,” the first reaction of the blonde, as well as the women behind the counter, would have been that I was using the java to work my mojo. And sure, if I’d smiled harmlessly and explained that I was just trying to emulate my wife and do a random act of kindness for the holidays, it’s likely my explanation would have been accepted.
But what if it hadn’t? What if this young woman had years of experience with random men trying to buy her beverages, and in of all those cases, there was nothing random about it.
What if the ladies behind the counter had seen the old, “Let me buy your coffee and get your number,” gambit a dozen times during their time slinging joe and fried dough?
It’s not like I had video proof that buying coffee for a random stranger had been my intent all along. I hadn’t posted a video of my big plan on Youtube or anything.
I waited another minute for my latte, took it with thanks, and put a couple of bucks in the tip jar on the way out. At least I’d done something nice, even if it wasn’t my original plan. But the rest of the ride into work, all I could think about is this:
What does it say about men that when we do something nice for someone, specifically a woman, the assumption isn’t that we’re being kind for kindness’ sake? The assumption is that we want something in return. Attention. Affection. Respect. Fill in the blank with something less palatable.
How much of that assumption is a reputation we’ve earned as a gender over the past several millennia, and how much of it is just a reflection of our world where people believe that skepticism equals safety?
What kind of “kind” are we, as men, allowed to be without also being suspicious?
Had the person behind me in line been a 70-year-old grandmother or a 300-pound male construction worker or a lantern-jawed personal trainer, I believe I would’ve bought their coffee. I don’t think I would’ve hesitated at all, and had they given me a sideways look, I would’ve felt comfortable explaining my motives and then moving on. But the pretty blonde missed out on receiving a random act of kindness because she was a pretty blonde.
Or maybe she missed out because I’m a man.
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UPDATE — Dec. 26th (3 days later): Went into a DD today and actually pulled the “Random Act of Kindness” off via a gift card. (Gave it to the woman behind the counter to pay for mine and told her to use the rest of the card to pay for the next few people. The first person was a guy in his 30s who looked confused, went out of his way to not make eye contact, and left with his coffee and bagel. The next was… an attractive young woman who looked like she was coming from/heading to the gym. She smiled, came over and thanked me… and that was it. When I was leaving the parking lot, I noticed she held the door for an older woman who was walking in. She was already paying it forward.)
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Maybe if you saw her as a person instead of referring to her as a “blonde”?
I totally understand that the article is about random acts of kindness, and I also understand that random and impartial kindness is an admirable characteristic. However, I do not understand the comments regarding men wanting to buy a woman you happen to be interested in a cup of coffee, with intentions of getting to know them better. Since when is hoping for a date with somebody an ulterior motive? I’m single man, and if I see a somebody I think I’d be interested in, what better way to break the ice than buying a quick cup of coffee, having a… Read more »
I did it at a drive-through and didn’t even look in the mirror to see who was behind me. Just paid and drove away.
I still think you should have bought her coffee. Often times, yes, it’s only done as a come on with an expectation of a number in return. Which is WHY you should have done it. Show her that you can buy her a coffee and not expect something back. That would’ve totally blown her mind, and for once she would have felt good about herself without having to defend not giving her number. A lot of guys that exchange words with me on a daily basis at the cash register and is a regular customer creep me out when they… Read more »
She missed out because she was a pretty young blonde AND your a man. Definitely a combination thing!
Considering that the number one cause of death and injury to women in the world is men, I think it is unreasonable to put any burden on women, many of whom are already traumatized by gender-based violence, to discern the genuinely nice from the manipulative. If a woman is able to do so that is great for her and everyone around her, but men should be focusing on stopping violence toward women, not shaming women who can’t always tell true kindness from danger signs.
It’s heart disease, actually.
But hey, I’m sure you’ll manage to find another way to blame everything on men.
Too bad, maybe, but you men are the predators and anything like that, offering
to purchase a coffee for a younger female (potential victim) is a no-no.
Anyone who has a problem with what I’ve stated: A few words, Gavin De Becker, The Gift of Fear.
A good guy would not approach a strange woman.
I wouldn’t argue that the predator/prey paradigm isn’t in play right now… at least for many men and women. (clearly, that’s why I had pause on my first attempt at being randomly kind.)
But I’d add that the point of this site… and this conversation, is to work towards changing that very paradigm, so that we could say, “A good man would not approach a strange woman… he’d approach another person and the fact that she was a woman wouldn’t matter.”
I can assure you it works both ways. As a woman being kind to humans generally, I am constantly aware that being kind to the male of our species can be viewed with suspicion and incorrect presumptions and judgements made of me. I view people as humans, not based on their sex and I view their actions based on their actions, not on preconceived ideas I have of their motives. My views of anyone I know nothing about, are simply that, preconceived ideas and not fact, and I always bear this in mind and try to give people the benefit… Read more »
I can relate to the situation that if I was that girl I would have questioned the motives behind the random act of kindness. As other people and yourself have pointed out, an explanation would probably have removed that doubt, but I think the issue here is that you HAD to explain yourself. Would your wife had to have done that? If the roles were reversed and your wife bought a young, attractive male behind her a coffee as an act of kindness, would it have been viewed as an action that held an ulterior motive? I don’t want to… Read more »
I love the idea of pay it forward – in whatever capacity. There’s recently been a thing on FB of having 5 people say they’re in and throughout the year randomly, whenever it seems the right time, you send them something (if they are far away) or do something to just make their day a little brighter. Reading your article made me realise that as women we judge men on their actions because we think all men have an ulterior motive – this is in part due to past experience of not receiving random acts of kindness from men without… Read more »
This was a really interesting article, thank you for writing it! It reminds me of the other day when I went into a cafe/restaurant and it was rather late so the cafe portion was closed. But all I wanted was a pastry to go, so I asked and the waitress passed me on to a guy who was likely the manager, and he said that they were out of almost everything, they only had what was left in the case. So I pointed at an eclair, literally 1 of 6 things left, and asked if I could have that. He… Read more »
It depends on the delivery….
“Here, I’d like to pay for that coffee… it’s just a thing I do” followed by an immediate turn and walk out would be OK. You’ve qualified your action “… it’s just a thing I do”, and you’ve negated the flirt argument because you just walked off, with no expectation of thanks, follow-up conversation, etc.
I’m glad that you found a way to do it, regardless of the stereotypes of men. It’s going to help people find ways to break down expectations and start being individuals. Bravo. 🙂
I’ll try to answer a few of the questions posed above now that the piece has been re-run. Yousaf, I wasn’t seeking social validation. I just hadn’t ever done it before and was following my wife’s playbook, never considering that it might be/feel different for me than for her. Since then, I’ve seen there are other ways to approach it and stay more anonymous to take it out of equation, but I won’t lie… part of the fun of doing something kind, for me, is seeing the surprise and joy it creates. It makes it different than donating to a… Read more »
In all honesty men have done this to themselves. I used to travel for business a LOT — I was on the road 60% of the time. Sometimes I’d just want a nice glass of wine in the bar before heading to my room for the night. I was ALWAYS hit on, even when I made sure I looked like I wanted to be alone (book, open briefcase, whatever). I was even followed and had to end up getting hotel security to see me safely to my room. I’ve been hit on by male co-workers in the branch offices I… Read more »
All men cannot have done this to themselves any more than all women sunk themselves out of the job market by staying home to raise children. It seems like a choice, but when it becomes a rule, the people assuming it are the problem, not the people being assumed about.
If the sexes are to be thought of as a class that can ‘do things to ourselves’ as a group, then the whole basis of the women’s movement is bullshit.
Hmm. If the main fear was being thought of as a pick-up douche, it seems like the easiest way to eliminate that as a possibility would have been to just continue with the random act of kindness, pay for her coffee, give her a smile, and leave. Don’t try to pick her up, don’t ask her for her name or age, don’t be creepy. Just be nice and then go on your way. Then it would have been obvious to everyone that you WEREN’T trying to pick her up. I mean, really, what’s the problem here? Sounds like you had… Read more »
I have to add: Men aren’t stupid. We can tell when an attractive woman is creeped out by a man doing anything nice i.e. holding a door open, engaging in simple conversation on the elevator, saying “hi” or just smiling. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve gotten the cold shoulder or simply been ignored for things like this, making me feel guilty for attempting to just be friendly, and having said attractive girl hurry off as if she’s escaping from a possible rape. It’s depressing to say the least. Mind you, I’m 30, slim 6’4″ and I think… Read more »
Also: “Sounds like you had some kind of flash of secretly wanting to pick her up and felt guilty about it, so you just rushed out.”
That, right there, is the problem.
I enjoyed this article. It inspired me. It did make me think also how much I fight shy of helping children I don’t know (when they tumble, get into trouble etc.) for fear of how that will be perceived.
Okay, Shawn. 1, I completely understand why you felt awkward about the plan once you saw this girl. I don’t, however, necessarily believe that it has some great, deep meaning about the world. Hot, young woman gets offered a free beverage from a man, yes, she is likely going to think it’s because of her appearance and/or that it’s a blatant come on. Okay. Seems pretty logical to me, I don’t think it’s something to panic about; it does not mean that men can’t do nice things because someone might think them pervy. Pervey? Both are getting underlined so I… Read more »
That would just make him seem like a pervert AND a liar. It is inescapable that members of both sexes automatically assume men are less moral than women. If that is news to you, you are in denial.
If it’s really a random act of kindness, why do you seek social validation? Does being recognized a pre-requisite for being nice to someone? Just buy the coffee and let the everyone else think what they will. If a man won’t do something nice for an woman just because she happens to be attractive, how is that going to challenge the current norm?
It is not about being recognized, it is about not being devalued openly in public, because you are being stereotyped.
I love what Pelanza has to say! You sound awesome and have an excellent and accurate perception. It’s like Western culture prides men on their ability to objectify women. I’ve read awful stories of women hearing men behind them saying things like “I’d love to ram that ass” which is completely de-humanizing and hardly makes men seem like people. I live in Australia, Brisbane in QLD to be precise, and our culture is a lot like that here, sadly. I am so tired of being valued by my looks; it’s incredibly depressing that the best men can come up with… Read more »
Kevin made the ‘Safe Choice’. He ‘erred on the side of caution’. In todays world , a man can be accused of sexual harassment for basically anything perceived by a woman to be a ‘come on’ (therefore an unwanted sexual advance, which constitutes sexual harassment). Now, as I stated earlier, being old and decrepit , I might get away with it, and if Kevin was a dead ringer for ,say Channing Tatum , Brad Pitt or name your favorite Hollywood hunk, then it’s a no-brainer that it’s ‘cool’ for him too.
Sorry, I ment to say Shawn, not Kevin(he just resembles my nephew Kevin)
Shawn, would you have felt the same way if the woman had been an attractive woman your own age?
It seems that not only did you think about how your act would look to others, but you also questioned your own sincerity since you clearly noticed and even maybe where attracted to her yourself.
Thus proof once again in our world that the best thing to be is young when it comes to men. Since youth seems to be the only thing that forever captures men of all ages hearts.
That is indeed an American creepy situation, I noticed. Straight men are so spoiled there they think they never age, are always hot and fresh and still deserve someone young – and that this particular young someone will fall for their ultra charm, ahaha! That IS part of the extreme sexism and double standard that exists there. And also sounds like some kind of narcissisms and megalomania… wanting someone that will give what you can’t give in return, only being able to see beauty in people your children’s age and never accepting your own, so gross it be considered a… Read more »
@Pelanza, Yes. You are so correct in your analysis of American culture. Women are perceived by White men here as having a shelf life. Once they reach a certain age, they are considered spoiled and un-usable. These same men feel they are ageless. Or if they have $$$$ they are entitled to young, beautiful, sexy women their daughter’s age. It’s really pathetic. I am Black. I have many friends from Latin America. I do not see this attitude at all from Hispanic- American men or immigrant men from Latin America. Beauty is ageless. Older women are appreciated too. This is… Read more »
Pelanza, yes, it is a form of sexism. It’s so deeply rooted in our culture, it’s a real shame. Too much entertainment, tv, film and the likes, show a hyper focus of older men with younger women. Which I think as led alot of regular guys to believe that’s how it should be. Often talking about how women like “mature” men yet complaining about all the ways they feel young women ignore them. It never ceases to amaze me the hypcorisy. American men are not expected to grow up and I have infact had older men approach me bragging about… Read more »
By that argument, she, in this situation, has been a victim of reverse ageism! Or positive discrimination, depending on how you look at it, because she probably doesn’t struggle to get free drinks elsewhere. I think ultimately, I agree with Nathan when he says “You can’t let your life be ruled by your fears. Those thoughts and feelings about what other people think are yours, not theirs.” – in fact, I think that’s a good piece of wisdom for life in general. It’s bad enough to allow yourself to be affected by how other people judge you, even worse to… Read more »
@Kevin Henderson,
” A good man is kind, period, no justification necessary.”
YES!!!
Since none of the folks you spoke to are enlightened enough to tell you, I will, “You ARE being silly”. You could have paid for her coffee and went about your business. You underestimated this woman by your superficial understanding of them. It doesn’t have to be the means to an end. It can just be. A good man is kind, period, no justification necessary. A lesson taught to me by the actions of my father. I hope you learn it and pass it on.
I always hold the door for any woman and say ‘I’m not a gentleman that often, you have to take advantage’
Always gets a laugh and a smile