In recent years, it’s become more common for people to question the traditional relationship model of monogamy. Though it can be tempting to open your relationship, or see multiple partners at once, it’s important to be critical in your decision to do so. Many people rush into non-monogamy with hopes that it will help them feel free, explore their sexual interests, and bring them closer to new people.
In this article, I’m going to focus on what’s called ethical non-monogamy. Emphasis on the ethical. If anyone involved is not aware or comfortable with the boundaries and guidelines of the relationship, it doesn’t count as ethical. Communication is crucial for any relationship to be ethically non-monogamous, and it’s important to not rush the process.
If you and your partner are seriously considering ethical non-monogamy, speaking to a therapist can offer guidance and help you set important boundaries. If you’re looking for a flexible and comfortable option, BetterHelp offers online therapy for couples. It’s important that you and your partner are solidly on the same page before attempting to open your relationship. Without the right communication and understanding, relationships can fall apart in a non-monogamous setup.
Non-Monogamy Can Be Rewarding, But Complicated
Many people have illusions of non-monogamy as being fun, sexy, and most importantly – easy. I hate to burst your bubble, but even though non-monogamy can lead to enjoyable experiences and be incredibly rewarding, it still takes a lot of energy and effort to maintain. Balancing multiple people’s emotional needs and desires can be challenging, and having to regularly check in with partners takes patience and understanding.
Even for people who practice polyamory or non-monogamy as a single person, rather than with partners, lots of conversation is essential. It’s important that any romantic or sexual partners are aware that you aren’t looking for a monogamous relationship in order to protect their emotional investment in the relationship.
Non-Monogamy Is Not A Cure
If your relationship is struggling and you think non-monogamy is the solution, I’m here to tell you that it isn’t. Even the strongest of relationships go through learning curves when moving into a non-monogamous lifestyle. For couples that already struggle with communication, and deal with regular conflict, the chances of the foundation of the relationship crumbling is much higher.
When someone starts exploring new sexual or romantic partners outside of the relationship, it’s possible to experience what is called new relationship energy (NRE). When a relationship is new it’s exciting, captivating and can lead to people feeling infatuated with new partners. NRE can cause lots of problems for couples that open their relationship because it can be challenging to watch your partner go through a “honeymoon phase” with another person.
Jealousy is very common in relationships, regardless of if they’re monogamous or not. But for people who are exploring non-monogamy, that jealousy can feel more warranted. In a monogamous relationship, trust is built between partners to establish that neither person will engage sexually with people outside of the relationship. In polyamory, the boundaries may look very different.
Though it’s possible to have sexual and romantic experiences outside of your relationship when you practice ethical non-monogamy, cheating is still possible. If a partner has firm boundaries that are crossed, such as a specific place they don’t want you to engage sexually, and you break that boundary, that is cheating. Non-monogamy is not an invitation to do whatever you want without gaining consent from everyone involved.
If you are struggling with sexual desires that would exist outside of your relationship, it may be time to consider a separation. Pressuring your partner to try out non-monogamy can be hurtful and lead to conflict. It may seem like a great option at first, especially if you’re feeling attracted to someone outside of the relationship, but it takes time for any couple to adjust to the new way of life. Though breakups are painful and can be difficult to heal from, non-monogamy can do more damage than good if both partners aren’t 100% onboard.
Resources For Further Learning
There has been more research and literature on ethical non-monogamy released in recent years. Reading books like More Than Two and The Ethical Slut can help you understand what being ethically non-monogamous looks like. The more you learn about how to do so in a respectful way, the better your chances of success will be. If you do decide to open a relationship or start dating non-monogamously, there’s likely to be a bit of a learning curve. That’s perfectly okay. If it’s important to you, be patient with yourself and go at your own pace. If you discover that you need monogamy to feel safe in a partnership, that’s totally okay too.
Some people identify their sexuality as polyamorous meaning that they feel most comfortable in non-monogamous relationships and see it as a more comfortable way of giving and receiving love. The core values of ethical non-monogamy are helpful for any relationship. Such as learning how to manage jealousy, learning how to set and respect boundaries, and respecting your partner’s wants and desires within the relationship.
If you’re re-thinking monogamy, take time to learn more before diving in. Look for communities online, read books on how to communicate your needs effectively, and do some soul-searching to see if you truly think it’s right for you. Couples that explore non-monogamy have a lot more at stake than an individual person. It’s important to take the right steps before getting started to reduce the chances of someone getting hurt.
Photo Credit: iStock
