Soyou wanna reach out to the narcissist, and you’re even considering (maybe) giving them another chance. Okay then let’s just cut to the chase of exactly how this is going to go,
Ready?
You reach out or start to become receptive to another one of their hoovering attempts. Now you two are communicating and suddenly they’ve become the person they were when you first met them.
(maybe even better).
Things are back to normal.
Now, you’re back together and although things are better than they were you feel anxious for some reason. You can’t explain why but you can’t settle into this “new beginning” you’re having with your abuser.
And you shouldn’t.
Because pretty soon all hell is going to break loose and this is exactly why it is going to happen if you stick around for it.
…
This Is Exactly When Your “Honeymoon” Phase Ends
And your punishment begins.
After the initial relief of yet another honeymoon phase, the bliss is subsiding. Your guard is lowering and now it suddenly feels as though their temperature is slowly dropping again.
And it is and it’s your fault.
But not because you went back.
You see, the narcissist is still reeling from the rage they feel behind you forcing them to experience (and suffer) you —
- leaving them
- ignoring them
- taking time for yourself
- yelling at them
- saying mean things to them (for once)
- canceling a plan/date
- speaking up for yourself
- establishing boundaries
Although they are the ones facilitating this “honeymoon” phase, the memories of their discard are beginning to replay.
Every time they look at you they’re wondering how the same person who has such warmth and light towards them could have ever been so cold.
(Ironic, isn’t it? I know but stay with me.)
What they went through emotionally during the blowup (that they created or catalyzed) is being re-lived, and the fact that you in any way abandoned them is starting to become an obsession. And believe it or not,
This response is instinctual.
…
Don’t Take It Personal
This isn’t about you — it’s about the narc’s inherent need for revenge.
Once you leave a narcissist and push them into that desperation phase, you become a target in more than one way.
Yes, they want to get you back (for your supply) but they also want to get you back because they’re pissed off that you had the audacity to get angry with them — especially, enough to leave them.
The narcissist resents you for taking back your power and they resent you more for doing it because it wasn’t until you did it that you even realized that your anger was the key to reclaiming it, in the first place.
You figured the narcissist out.
What you haven’t figured out is that, during your discard or stonewalling of them, all of that —
- crying and begging
- calling/texting/dropping by (hoovering)
- promising
- buying gifts (love-bombing)
- chasing
- and overall effort.
is what the narcissist actually considers them losing power, and ultimately, losing the game they’ve been playing all along.
And they did this by humiliating themselves (on your behalf) because you made them give in to giving you what you deserved.
Every act of kindness and remorse that I listed above was actually the narcissist’s admission of defeat, despite the fact that you saw it as a genuine act of love. One thing’s for certain, it was definitely an act.
And now, you have to be punished for it.
Why?
Because it’s their turn to win now.
(You didn’t think this was actually about love, did you?)
…
This Is Your Fault for Injuring the Narcissist
Here’s how you did it and what is definitely going to happen next.
(You pulled off the mask — and you did it unintentionally.)
Narcissists are all about power plays.
You, as the victim, have finally found the key to winning their games. And what is the key? Your anger.
More precisely: Being mad at them.
(Allowing yourself to get angry with them.)
Why do you think the narcissist is constantly getting angry with you? Because he or she knows it’s the best way to trigger you into:
- giving them the energy they need
- the attention they desire, and
- placing yourself in complete submission
Once you decided to locate your anger and utilize it too you evened the playing field. And not only did it work, but the tables also turned. And even you, very likely, didn’t expect it.
You also didn’t expect that in doing so, you’d humiliate (and humble them with a reality check) by beating them at their own game.
You won.
And because of how you did that you injured them, gravely. Now, the only way for them to win is to catch you off guard.
Meaning:
The narcissist has to recreate the “honeymoon” phase and stick it out for as long as possible until they have you back in a state of complete comfort and security. Long enough that you won’t be so quick to utilize our anger this time around.
Don’t be surprised if during this phase you end up apologizing for all those things you did that established and reinforced your boundaries.
Just know that once your narcissist hears these particular apologies you will be moving closer to the next stage of the abuse cycle,
The one where it all falls apart.
…
And Now the Storm After the Calm Begins
The narcissist is getting moody, irritable, and distant again
The relationship begins to feel like business as usual as the issues that once plagued your connection resurface — with a vengeance.
At this time, the narcissist is more prone to lashing out. This is also when your devaluation will recommence.
They will start highlighting (things they believe to be) your flaws and shortcomings; picking apart the few things about you that they think makes them superior to you, even if only in the eyes of others.
They will even begin throwing the fact that you just “gave up on them” or “abandoned” them in your face. You will also be shamed for every boundary you established.
(especially the ones you apologized for once you were back in that brief honeymoon phase I mentioned earlier.)
The reason your relationship has gotten here (or back here) is that even if the narcissist wants to get over the hurdle, they can’t. Empathy is not in their skillset and neither is forgiveness.
Getting past your ability to distance yourself from them and the valid rationale behind your decision to do so gets lost in the simple fact that you actually did it. To them, what matters is that you’ve injured them.
You definitely have to be punished.
(And it absolutely has to be painful.)
…
The Pathology Behind Your Punishment
The narcissist is now reversing the chase
You have abandoned them.
And now they are the ones who need to be chased because being chased, to a narcissist, is a sign that you love and care about them.
It’s a twisted form of loyalty.
And it’s how they need their egos stroked once they’ve been pushed to hoover and love-bomb you.
(Remember, all that bullshitting was strenuous.)
You have to understand that by you going off-script and developing boundaries, You have proven your disloyalty.
You’ve also humiliated them by unmasking their abuse for what it is because it was those abusive behaviors that caused you to stonewall and/or discard the narcissist, to begin with.
Or, at the very least, caused you not to chase them if they discarded you. In which case, you will be accused of,
- just “letting them go”
- “not fighting for them or the relationship”, and
- “not really loving” them
Remember, you are supply.
You do not put yourself (or your well-being) before the narcissist. The humiliation of knowing your response to their unmasking was deserved is what fuels the retaliation, on their part.
Especially if they were forced to have to chase you.
Narcissists hate to be humiliated, but do you know what they hate even more? Having the slightest thought that you purposely tried to humiliate them, or put them in a position to humiliate themselves.
And what exactly is this humiliation I keep mentioning? All that love bombing they did to get you back in the first place.
They consider this you making them jump through hoops so now you are going to have to do the same.
This is the mindset, and you will be punished because of it and that is why getting you to chase them comes into play in your devaluation.
Putting you through the strain of the chase is equally a form of punishment as it is a form of sadistic validation, for the narcissist.
This then creates a toxic on/off cycle that both parties will remain in for the duration of the relationship. Until one of you exits it or is discarded.
This is why you never go back to a narcissist after the discard because their need for revenge is not only intentional — it’s instinctual.
Just as domestic violence victims are in the most danger when (and directly after) leaving their abusers; narcissistic victims are unknowingly most at risk once they go back.
Choose wisely.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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