Read This if You’re Too Depressed to Date

Content Warning: Discussion about suicide

Today we have an email from one of my clients. As a men’s dating coach, I am helping him meet women and he has made phenomenal progress even after just one session. However, he’s been in a bit of a slump lately.

D writes:

. . .

Hi Mike,

Good chatting with you yesterday. As I said I want to be more authentic and vulnerable. One thing I wasn’t honest about is I’ve been feeling very down.

I do wonder if I’m a lost cause sometimes given how late I’m starting, the lack of a real social circle, and my difficulties talking to people. If I’m being honest I feel like a freak and a loser a lot of the time in sex and relationships, someone on the outside looking in.

It would be nice to hear stories of others in a similar situation to me that you’ve worked with who’ve gone on to have success. Any other advice too would be helpful.

Will keep on reading the book and applying it more diligently.

Thanks,

D

. . .

I have the perfect example for you. One of my current clients was, until recently, seriously considering taking his own life. He was looking into euthanasia and trying to give all his shit away, even trying to give me a huge tip, which I turned down because I knew why he was trying to do that. He is about to turn 30 and feels like he’s missed the boat in becoming a “normal” person with normal sexual/romantic experiences in his 20s. He said very similar things to what you’re saying, feeling like a freak and a loser. He has a history with depression and intense trauma. He said he feels worthless and like he’s just a waste of time for everyone around him. He’s a gamer with more online friends than real life friends. Before we started coaching, he had only had 1 drunken one night stand with no other sexual or romantic experiences. Needless to say, he also has a lot of trouble believing in his own attractiveness despite other people telling him otherwise.

One of the traps of depression is that it creates and exacerbates a negative feedback loop with inaction. The depression makes you feel like not doing anything, and not doing anything further allows the depression to grow and fester.

In addition to all the standard coaching in skills related to attraction, seduction, etc., my approach with this client was to get him to start doing something — anything — that can help him enjoy some aspect of life in order to create some initial positive momentum. He used to be a small-time streamer and loved certain games. I encouraged him to start streaming again. He did, and he started to enjoy the online social interactions that resulted from it, even though he only had like 4 viewers each time he streamed. His attitude started becoming a little more positive. He started having fun.

Then, he talked to a girl in the gym. They ended up having sex. He told me in our last call that he is no longer planning to take his own life.

I’m not saying that just having sex cured his suicidal depression. What’s more important here is that he started taking steps, no matter how small, toward action, toward something that allowed him to have fun and talk to people.

One of the ways our perspective becomes limited when we’re feeling down is that all the steps ahead of us can feel so overwhelming. In those moments, we need to hone in on just the small step directly in front of us right now. “The journey of a thousand miles begins with one single step,” as they say… but don’t even bother thinking about that thousand miles. The present is all that exists.

You said you went to [redacted for privacy] just two times, right? Keep going, actively participate and socialize, and see if it makes you feel any greater sense of enjoyment and fun. Find the beginning steps of community at third places like we discussed. Joke and laugh with people. And then allow that positive energy to give you the momentum to absolutely crush it in dating and seduction, and to ultimately find love.

Mike

. . .

The client replied saying that he needed to hear that, so I figured it might be worth sharing with others in case someone else needs to hear it, too.

And before you go on to comment saying that therapy is the be-all-end-all solution to depression and that a dating coach has no business sticking his nose into such matters, both of the clients I mentioned here already attend therapy regularly. I make sure that clients with serious issues that warrant professional treatment at least try getting it before proceeding with my services. The reality is that, even though dating coaches aren’t equipped with certain important tools that therapists can offer, the reverse is also true.

If you find yourself too depressed and unmotivated, like you can’t even see the point in approaching a woman, remember to start with that one small step right in front of you. Do something you enjoy and love, whatever it is. Have some fun. Don’t pressure yourself into trying to bite off more than you can chew.

If you’ve already learned the right “moves” when it comes to dating and seduction, the results will speak for themselves eventually, after you’ve let a bit of light back into your life.