In the movies and on TV shows, there always seems to be a period of guesswork involved with falling in love. Are they going to call me back? What are they feeling right now? Where is this going? Do they love me? Do they even really like me? It’s always dramatic and never very fun — and seems to happen to a lot of people just as often in real life as it does on screen.
Feelings are a tricky beast. When you’re romantic with someone and things start heating up, it can sometimes be hard to know if it’s love or something else. We try to take our time and not rush into anything while also just feeling all the feelings as they come. It can be a weird process to navigate.
Falling in love is wonderful, but how do we know when it’s actually love, and not just lust or attachment issues? Where’s the blueprint? What are the signs?
Unfortunately, there’s not a blueprint we can follow to tell us when we’re in love. There’s one big clue though that I think can shed some light on the situation, and here it is. Real love shouldn’t make you anxious.
***
Now, I have a diagnosed anxiety disorder, so I know what I’m talking about (at least a little bit). I’ve felt all the different kinds of anxious at this point. Anxiety is my expertise. I’ve been in a lot of relationships where I’ve been so insanely anxious whenever they didn’t text me back or validate my feelings, and sometimes, I assumed that meant I loved them. I was upset when things weren’t going well because of how much I felt for them. That’s why I was anxious — because I wanted so badly for love to work out. That was what all the movies and TV shows seemed to say, so that had to be it … right?
That’s not how it works though. Or at least, it shouldn’t be how it works.
I was thinking about one of my partners one day and wondering if our “spark” was fading. I was struggling to identify exactly what I was feeling. Maybe our relationship wasn’t as exciting as it was in the beginning? Nothing much had changed though except that we’d grown closer and more stable. Eventually, I realized nothing had been lost. I just wasn’t worried about losing them.
More often than not, I think that the spark or nervous energy or butterflies that we feel at the beginning of a relationship are the feelings of not knowing if this thing is permanent. The problem is, the relationship is also new and exciting, and that so-called spark gets lumped in with those feelings. When it starts to fade, we think that something’s wrong. We try to chase that feeling and look for relationships that give us that spark when really, all that spark is is anxiety.
When the spark fades, it’s really because we feel secure, and that’s actually such a good thing.
***
Real love shouldn’t be a constant guessing game. You shouldn’t constantly be anxious about how they feel about you or always be having to beg for their attention. Real love is a lot less exciting than that. Frankly, real love is kind of boring.
Love is open communication. Love is trust. Love is stability. Love is consistency.
Love isn’t not knowing what they’ll do next. Love isn’t constant butterflies. Love isn’t uncertainty. That’s anxiety.
Of course, I’m not saying that once you fall in love, you’ll never ever be anxious again. Love can be anxiety-producing in the sense that sometimes it’s a little scary. You become vulnerable, you start to see a future with this person, and you start to feel things that maybe you’ve never had to deal with before. For a lot of people, that’s terrifying. There can definitely be anxiety that comes with that.
With real love though, with healthy love, you’re hopefully able to communicate those feelings to your partner and talk things out. It’s scary, but you’re on the same page, so it’s ok. You’re not anxious because you constantly feel like you might lose them. You’re just a little freaked out because, maybe for the first time, you know you won’t.
***
Sometimes we don’t trust that someone loves us because we still have work to do within ourselves and that’s ok. Once we do that work though, I think we come to find there are some relationships that were always rooted in anxiety, and not actually love
If you’re trying to identify whether or not you’re in love, maybe try asking yourself some questions. Is your relationship with this person consistent? When they tell you something, do you trust them? Do you feel relaxed, calm, and stable around them?
Or are you constantly second-guessing how they feel about you? Do you always feel a sort of nervous energy whenever they’re around? Do you always wonder if they’re actually being truthful about things?
One of these is more like love and one is more like anxiety. It’s up to you to figure it out for yourself.
—
This post was previously published on Medium.
***
If you believe in the work we are doing here at The Good Men Project and want a deeper connection with our community, please join us as a Premium Member today.
Premium Members get to view The Good Men Project with NO ADS. Need more info? A complete list of benefits is here.
—
Photo credit: Chewy on Unsplash