The Wake Up
I just realized something profound. It happened quite without intention. I had been listening to lectures on Neuro Linguistic Programing (NLP) as part of my Elite Life Coach Certification program and the lecturer, David Key was helping a women find a focus from where her struggles reside. For the past two weeks, I have been listening, taking notes, and having a few, “Yes! That makes perfect sense” as I moved along the topics.
Part of my brain stated, “This is going so slow…” as I am used to hyper mode in acquiring information for my insatiable mind. The program is geared to be drip fed over six months.
Brilliant! I am forced to slow down. Allow ideas to settle, connect, digest, and reboot my mind.
Not an easy feat for someone used to absorbing data and applying it immediately to my life. Is this another symptom of our rush society? Pondering still, I recognized something after a string of simple texts between myself and my partner today.
The Story
You see, about 10 years ago, I had noticed the sadness, the despondency, the lack of joy in a friend’s posts on social media, and his life. While we were only friends for the longest time, I noticed the sorrow and the deep pain associated with each word selected.
I remember endeavoring to encourage him, and despite my own sadness and the desolate feeling I had with an abusive boyfriend, I wanted to help him find joy. I connected with him because I tapped into my own despondency and pain. I mirrored his sorrow and lifted him up because I knew how to do that, and finding the joy was part of my path.
With most people I interacted with, I found myself connecting and encouraging. It was my method, or my personality I shared with the world (social media or in real life). I was on a mission to share the joy I found internally despite the horrible, painful, and negative experiences I had walked throughout my life. I was a Pollyanna, and I knew it.
So, while I studied my Bachelors program, and dealt with the negative hand I had allowed into my life, I made it my focus to lift him up and build him up as opportunity presented itself. Finding people to encourage was part of my mode of operation. I wanted to bring people joy. I wanted to see people happy. And I put a lot of effort into the activity of spreading joy.
The Current Road
Today, when I sent a message to my partner, the same friend I encouraged 10 years ago, I found myself reflecting on the past connections. I still do the same thing: Trying to help him find the joy in the little things, working from the same mindset I had previously, how we can find the positive and we can find the good in life.
To this day, he still has the sad, dark, despondent responses he used to have with with moments of positive and happy expressions. Despite the occasional shift, the consistency of darkness still lingers.
“My whole life is a bother” is one of those negative statements, which bores into one’s mind and soul.
My ah-ha moment arrived. I realized until we break from the same patterns we held onto that served us in our difficult seasons of life, we will continue to cycle through those seasons, stuck. And no matter who we put around us our demeanor and depth of despair will resurface.
We are part of a collective: experiences, situations both positive and disturbing. These events, and life experiences have created a pattern of behavior we linger with in our daily lives until some outside force encourages us to break from the consistent pattern.
If we do not have a strong enough reason, we will not shift. We revert right back to the past behaviors, which our brain remembers: they kept us safe. Those behaviors served us well, when we needed them and now they no longer serve us in the same capacity.
We are stuck in our habitual thinking and behaving ways.
My Response
As an independent person, I am only responsible for how I respond to life. I am not responsible for other’s choices or their behaviors. Those are all their own and mine are 100% my responsibility. When we come to see no one can make us feel uncomfortable, sad, discouraged, or angry without our consent, we recognize how free we are!
As I consider experience and time, I notice he still carries the sadness inside of him because he has learned to do so from a young age. If he makes a choice to begin looking outside of the lens of sadness or despondency, he will consistently revert back because the why for change is not as satisfying as the patterns or habits he created, which he imprinted on his soul.
My observations reflect in myself. I remember living in the despondent place and feeling as if my brain was at the mercy of anyone else around me. How awful to live a life inside of your head, reacting to everything we disagree with, or with anyone who hurts our soul. We balance ourselves on the darts of others, rather than with a clarity of purpose set aside from anyone or anything external.
The External Vs the Internal
Our external experiences only represent what comes at us, not who we are internally. Once we recognize this essential factor, we become the creator of our world. The world we create is based on what satisfies the inner longing for connection and contribution, kindness and caring, giving, and sharing.
When we take ownership of our internal states, the rest of the world then becomes only a fraction of the input, and we become empowered to represent an individual personhood alive and vibrant. We dance to our drum beat, no longer bending with the agony of the outside world.
The moment we recognize we create the negative state or pressure inside of us, we can sit back and ask ourselves, “Why would I do that to myself?” and go about setting things straight. Our internal focus doesn’t have to shift because an outside force impinged upon the peacefulness we created around us. No matter what our external world looks like (whether we created a quiet haven at home or we are in a chaotic concert) if someone comes along and shifts our external focus, we can remain consistent and at peace. We control the inner person.
The whole change needs to become an internal force stronger than the habitual pull of the past. The here and now needs to demonstrate a greater need for the satisfaction, consistent joy, and peace that comes from a quiet mind.
Finally Free
As I consider the mountainous thought, I plan on sharing my revelation my group members so they too, might find their reasons behind behaviors. I cannot shift anyones consistent behaviors without their permission. And for them to choose to change for the long-term benefits, they have to do so for themselves. It comes down to me, presenting information, and then allowing the other to be themselves.
The responsibility isn’t for me to do the work of my partner or my clients. It is for me to continue to grow, and know a seed was planted. Someone else might come along and water the seed, tend to the seed, and then care for the tiny plant until the time of harvest arrives.
My responsibility ends where the other person’s begins. My ah-ha moment helped me conceptualize the personal growth I have worked diligently to obtain.
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This post was previously published on Change Your Mind Change Your Life.
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