There are three types of dating, in my experience, some of which are merely stages and others of which are exactly what you’re searching for.
But in this instance, I liken them to dating a man who is looking for a long term romantic commitment.
1. One who dates “Just Friends”
Even while you might desire more, you eventually conclude that the relationship will never go beyond being friends.
I had a “thing” going on with a guy I had met at the neighborhood Family Video. He was really attractive, humorous, and smart. In the summer of 2012, I applied for a job, but I didn’t receive it. But what I got in return was far superior to any work; I grew quite close to Chris, the store manager.
We discussed a wide range of topics. I gave him a lot of my creative work, and we both enjoyed discussing movies. We had a really “flirty” friendship, and I believe it could have developed into a relationship if I had stayed in Michigan. However, I told him right away that moving to the west coast was my dream, even though I detest the region.
I made a few attempts to ask him out, but each time he refused or dodged the question. Perhaps I wasn’t direct enough, or maybe he wasn’t as interested as I had assumed.
I’ll admit that even though we’re no longer close, I still have feelings for him.
2. “Friends with benefits”
I seem to have a propensity for getting approached by guys in unexpected areas. Every morning before going to work, I used to stop by a 7-Eleven for a cup of coffee. The most attractive man I had ever seen at the time was a Budweiser delivery man, who caught my attention. He asked me out on a date one day.
We were at least quite interested in one another. As our “relationship” developed, I became aware of the fact that he had numerous kids with numerous other women. You might think I’m exaggerating, but he already had three children — no pun intended! He had one when he was a teenager, but the girlfriend fled with the child [and another man!] after he entered the Army.
Later, he fathered a second kid with a different lady, with whom he shared custody and was responsible for child support. A few months into our relationship, he discovered that the lady he had been seeing before I had a child… and he was the father. He had previously told me that he had only slept with her because she was physically unable of having children (and, should I add, that she was split).
He told me about his one son, of whom he shared custody before we even started dating, and I was okay with that. Additionally, he reassured me that there was “no baby mama drama.” Just know this: there is almost certainly baby mama drama if you have to tell someone about it.
3. The dater who never prioritizes you
I had met this real silly civil engineer through an internet dating service. We got off to a sluggish start, and by that I mean we didn’t even kiss until about our tenth date (which, mind you, is completely fine — just wanted to give you a frame of reference). We enjoyed talking a LOT.
When the holidays drew near after about four months of dating, it became clear that he wasn’t sincere or prepared to commit to me. He would go through these periods of “feeling overwhelmed,” and he would stop communicating with me for days or even weeks at a time. We would hang together, everything would be great, and then he would vanish once more. He always had an explanation.
The fourth
I found my present partner through an internet dating service. I was attracted to someone else when we first began speaking. However, I thought we had a sincere connection and I genuinely enjoyed our conversations.
The other guy and I, however, never clicked… He ultimately found himself in the middle of “just friends” and “priorities.”
Because I still talked to my now-boyfriend and liked him, I removed my profile. I wanted to get to know this person who I knew was “real” and sincere. I was aware that if I kept moving at the same speed, I would harm both him and myself.
I finally decided to “ghost” him. When I felt I had enough time to clear my head, a few weeks later, I re-joined the online dating service. I came upon my [now] boyfriend’s page again, but I assumed he would be upset with me because I ghosted him. Then he sent me a message that said, “Welcome back?” I exhaled deeply in relief. I told him I was sorry for ghosting him and promised to explain why if he gave me the opportunity. We went on our first date a few days later.
We are now commemorating our first year.
How can I know that he is “the one” then? Instead of thinking that answer is “When you know, you know,” I’m going to make an effort to provide you with information you can understand.
First and foremost, he always tells me and gently affirms his love for me.
Second, he is very chivalrous — this may sound overused and clichéd, but it is true. Chivalry is quite effective.
Third, I miss him every minute that he is absent. I miss it even though he occasionally does things that irritate me.
Fourthly, talking about our future is constant. We frequently discuss our plans for our children, our finances, and our vacations.
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This post was previously published on medium.com.
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