Relationship First Aid: How to Heal Your Relationships and Keep Them Healthy

Guilt is a true response of our heart to our wrongdoing. It is not unhealthy or wrong to feel guilty when we’ve done wrong, but our perspective on it, our judgment of it, and the way we deal with it need reorientation.

We tend to interpret guilt as a condemnation, and we project on others that their verdict on us is the same. When we apologize from that dark place, it’s impossible for the other person to feel completely good about it. Our negative assumptions about ourselves and them can be felt between the lines of what we say.

Example: Samantha’s car was in the shop, so her friend Harry agreed to take her to an appointment after work — but then he completely forgot. He didn’t show up and didn’t answer her call when she phoned wondering where he was. When Samantha later complained to him, Harry realized he was in trouble with her and needed to apologize — but his apology made her wince. “Oh shit, I’m sorry. I’m such a jerk — I always screw everything up. You must hate me!”

To heal the relationship and our own guilty feelings we need to take a more generous view of ourselves, of others, and of guilt itself. We are not evil or unworthy when we do wrong; others are not so mean-spirited as to reject us for our wrongdoing; and guilt is not a terrible condemnation. Even after doing wrong, we are still who we are: a person who cares and wants to be good to others. And the people who care about us and depend on us still want us, and just want their connection with us restored.

A sincere apology — one without a lot of negative assumptions underneath — brings us both back together. When we acknowledge that what we did was wrong and we don’t want to do it again, we’re immediately back on the same page with the other person. We’re confirming that we feel the same way about the incident as they do. That restores the affinity and heart-connection between us.

Example: When Samantha pointed out his error, Harry could have made things better with a sincere apology. “Oh Sam, I’m really sorry! It must have felt terrible when I didn’t show up. You were depending on me and I let you down. I had a super busy day at work and just plain forgot about your appointment. That’s completely unacceptable! I’ll do what it takes to make sure I’m dependable for you from now on. Sam, if you need another ride while your car’s in the shop, you got it!” Hearing his words, Samantha’s irritation with him dissolved. She smiled and reached for his hand to squeeze it.

This, then, is the recipe for healthy relationships and better living:

STEP 1. FACE what bothers you about what you did. See what was hurtful and wrong about it. Feel your desire to correct it, and not repeat it.

STEP 2. ACCEPT that you and they are both good people. Only your action was wrong. You can’t apologize truly and sincerely from a negative belief about yourself or the other.

STEP 3. APOLOGIZE truly and sincerely. Acknowledge what you know — which is the same as they know — about what happened. What a relief to both of you! Now you’re both back on the same page: same knowing, same feeling.

STEP 4. DO what you can to correct and repair the damage done. Think deeply about what it would take to avoid repeating the same wrong action. Handle your future interactions in a way that builds confidence in you. Find ways to invest positive energy and caring gestures in the relationship. And, if you caused a practical problem, help correct it.

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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.

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