Relaunched

It wasn’t until today, when I was on my way home, driving down a street in my neighborhood, that I realized how many times I had smiled for no reason at all.

“I’m coming back to myself,” I thought.

“Back to the old me who used to be.” I rejoiced.

Twelve years ago, I was twenty-six, full of life — and piss and vinegar. I was happy, healthy, hopeful — and I smiled and laughed a lot. Nothing could bring me down, and if it did, I didn’t stay there very long. I had a beloved husband, a big, beautiful home that we shared with my brother, and a solid job that was my home-away-from-home. Not to mention a decent-sized paycheck every two weeks and zero complaints about the way my life was going.

Every year, for the next twelve years, my life would twist and turn in all sorts of directions. Sometimes like a rollercoaster that climbed so fast and so steep, my heart was sitting at the back of my throat the whole way up. And at other times, that rollercoaster dipped so low, it made me nauseous and almost blow chunks.

The Ups

In 2009, I became a mother, and no matter what trials and tribulations were to come, my life forever changed for the better. In 2012, with the birth of my baby girl, my life improved once again.

The (upside) Downs

Being a stay-at-home mom for nine-ish years with an (ex) husband who never appreciated or valued you messes with your mind — to put it lightly. At twenty-two, I voluntarily took the plunge into my marriage and family and gleefully lost myself in it like a gullible pig in mud. I would do it all over again in half of a millisecond. But I will never again sacrifice my heart and soul to someone who isn’t invested in me and the things I value (like them).

The All Arounds

After much debate, I went back to work in 2018 when my daughter began Transitional Kindergarten. It was challenging to get back out there. All the while continuing to be there for my kids like I had always been. But I did it. Nothing can stop the G-forces of a determined mother on an authentic track to a good life for her and her kids.

Back To The Station

May 2020, I filed for divorce and moved my two kids and me back in with my parents. I enrolled in a Medical Trade School, where I currently sit with a 4.0 GPA, awaiting my externships in the Fall. A few times a week, I go for a ten-mile bike ride to clear my head and work through the pain of missing my kids while sharing custody with my ex. I am a happier woman than I’ve been in a long time. It’s in those moments, where I’m sitting in my car smiling for no reason and feeling the weight of everything I’ve been through, that I know I’m returning home to myself in every sense of the word.

Gravity

Motherhood has been a rollercoaster of emotions —to say the least. I am most grateful for losing my way over the last twelve years because it puts me right back where I started from and the opportunity to launch again at the end of the ride.

. . .

Thank you for your love and lattes. You Are Loved.

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This post was previously published on Being Known.

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