Resolution Does Not Mean Staying Together

When you finally decide the best thing to do is to break up — and all the grappling, fighting, indecision, the anguish of future plans hanging in the balance, all come to a halt — you might feel strange mix of sadness, mourning, and relief.

And something surprising can happen: you might start to like your partner again, in a way you haven’t in awhile.

You start to peel away layer upon layer of resentments, unmet expectations, hurt feelings, entitlements, disappointments, and dependencies from your view of them, like so many ugly outfits you VR’d onto them. You start to see them differently, maybe more like who they were to you when your relationship was in bloom.

You may regain the capacity to appreciate them, to remember what it was you liked about them, to fondly recall good times you had. You might even feel an attraction for them you haven’t felt in awhile.

And there’s a pitfall to be aware of here. These feelings aren’t surprising at all, in fact they’re a really good sign. Of what though? It’s super-easy to misinterpret them as a signal that maybe things could go back to the way they were. Instead of what they really are, which is an indicator that the new relationship—the one in which you’re broken up and not seeing each other anymore—is actually the right direction to be going.

So let me repeat. The good feelings you have for each other aren’t a fluke, they’re a direct result of the decision to break up. They’re a confirmation that this was the right choice. They’re not an indicator that you made the wrong choice.

I’ve written about how the absence of good marks the demise of the relationship. If the good starts to return, take it as confirmation that the relationship as it used to exist was preventing it.

So here’s what to do instead.

First, to avoid misreading these confusing positive feelings, it’s really helpful if you’re crystal clear on the reasons for breaking up. You should be able to state it in very simple terms, such as, I needed this from my partner and they refused/declined. Or, I wanted this and they wanted that, and we couldn’t find common ground. Or, I needed this to stop or change, I made requests, then set boundaries, then gave a clear ultimatum, and here we are.

Understand that the good feelings are an echo of what brought you together in the first place, but they’re not a signal that the deal-breaking conditions have changed.

Ask yourself, have I changed my mind, is this no longer a dealbreaker for me? This can be one of the hardest questions to be honest with yourself about. It’s simply necessary, if you want to avoid crazy-making, on-again-off-again flip-flops. It’s exceedingly unlikely that the issues that led to the breakup have magically resolved themselves.

Next, be deliberate in co-creating your new relationship. Pay special attention to how you want to relate with each other, and how you want it to feel.

If you live together and immediate separation isn’t feasible, then after working out the timeline and logistics of moving out, talk about how you want to relate with each other while you’re still sharing the space.

If you co-parent, or work together, or know you’ll run into each other socially, talk about how you want it to feel and how you want to relate.

If the attraction is strong between you and you both decide to explore it, talk in detail about how to be fuck buddies knowing partnership or a future together is not gonna happen. Like, ever, as Taylor Swift would say. Are one or both of you hanging on when you should be moving on? Is this compatible with your true life goals, or a delicious distraction to avoid confronting the next chapter? Is it a nourishing and healing transition period on the way to full separation, or addictive behavior, or just avoidance of being alone?

But let’s say your dealbreaker was the lack of spark itself. And now the spark is returning. It’s precisely what you’ve been wanting for so long. Now what? If you’re thinking about giving it another go, you’re going to have to do the difficult work of determining what parts of the old relationship must be jettisoned in order to keep the flame alight. You will have to craft something new, probably from scratch, and then be conscious and deliberate to avoid falling into old patterns.

Or you might well decide to stay away from each other completely — not in spite of but because of the chemistry and magnetism you can still feel between you, and knowing the relationship you want is not viable here.

Whatever the new relationship looks like, craft it mindfully and realistically, and stick to it.

. . .

If you’ve been together for 1–5 years but still feel hesitant, indecisive, or in disagreement about life partnership, I’d love to interview you. I’m researching for a program I’m designing for couples; this isn’t a sales call. I’d love to ask you a few questions about your experience to help guide the design of my program. Schedule here.

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This post was previously published on The Craft Of Intimate Coupledom.

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