Resolved vs. Unresolved Breakups

The difference

Not all breakups are hostile. I wrote earlier about what a breakup can sound and feel like when the partners can still see each other’s humanity and inherent rightness while coming to realize they’re not right for each other as life partners.

I would call this a breakup with resolution. The decision to separate is due to incompatibility or wanting different things, rather than escalating animosity.

A breakup without resolution is one where their perception of each other has soured and never gets restored. They don’t really understand each other, or they’ve lost respect for each other, or they disagree so strongly that they’re convinced the other is in the wrong, or their anger/upset over something evolved into contempt. Perhaps a combination of these.

Often, bad things snowball from there. The most epic relationship disasters — think 𝘚𝘤𝘦𝘯𝘦𝘴 𝘧𝘳𝘰𝘮 𝘢 𝘔𝘢𝘳𝘳𝘪𝘢𝘨𝘦, 𝘞𝘢𝘳 𝘰𝘧 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘙𝘰𝘴𝘦𝘴, 𝘒𝘳𝘢𝘮𝘦𝘳 𝘷𝘴. 𝘒𝘳𝘢𝘮𝘦𝘳, 𝘞𝘩𝘰’𝘴 𝘈𝘧𝘳𝘢𝘪𝘥 𝘰𝘧 𝘝𝘪𝘳𝘨𝘪𝘯𝘪𝘢 𝘞𝘰𝘰𝘭𝘧?, 𝘈 𝘚𝘵𝘢𝘳 𝘪𝘴 𝘉𝘰𝘳𝘯, 𝘛𝘩𝘦 𝘉𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘬-𝘜𝘱, 𝘈𝘮𝘦𝘳𝘪𝘤𝘢𝘯 𝘉𝘦𝘢𝘶𝘵𝘺 — are set into motion by a breakdown in how partners perceive each other.

But it doesn’t have to get Oscar worthy. If you have an ex you’re convinced is an evil bad person who was in the wrong, or some variation, think of that as a breakup without resolution.

The distinction here is between genuine disagreements or incompatibilities—discussable, resolvable issues—vs. bad behavior begetting bad behavior, unskillful handling of disagreements provoking unskillful handling of disagreements, emotional charge amplifying emotional charge, and their impressions of each other growing worse and worse.

All of that can cascade from a single moment where one person stopped treating the other like their most valuable, highly esteemed partner in life. And unfortunately it ends up forming the bulk of how they feel about each other.

Thriving long-term relationships hinge on (a) being able to talk things through to resolution, and (b) protecting your high regard for each other. These two go together; if you fail to do either one, you’ll struggle to do the other.

If you can talk things through to resolution without spinning out on emotional charge, and you eventually decide you’re not right with each other, that’s a resolved breakup. If emotional charge and negativity fuel the breakup, that’s an unresolved breakup.

Why it matters

There can be totally valid reasons to break up…
you can know this to be true…
you can know that you’ll probably have little to no contact after the breakup…
and there can still be tremendous value in putting in the extra effort to have a breakup with resolution.

You may have heard of John and Julie Gottman, the renowned psychologists and marriage researchers. They identified four strong predictors of divorce, with contempt being the most destructive of the four — “the sulfuric acid of love.”

Here’s how I would say it. There’s a fundamental difference between, on the one hand, angry, hurt, disappointed, even rageful, and on the other, contemptuous, disdainful, vindictive, spiteful, vengeful, etc. These are two distinct categories of feelings. One does not imply the other. Once you’ve crossed the line from the former into the latter, it is not possible to partner with you. The connection spigot is closed. Whatever upsetting thing your partner has done, as long as you remain contemptuous, the issues are not addressable and you are compounding them.

It’s not for me to say whether your feelings are justified. If you tell me they are, ok. But understand you’re also telling me the relationship is paused and headed toward breakup.

So learning to relate intimately without contempt is a necessary skill for a thriving, fulfilling relationship. My wife calls it being fiercely protective of your own high regard for your partner. Maintaining—or restoring—your high regard for them is 100% your responsibility.

If you break up instead, there’s a cost. It leaves you in worse shape moving forward. Yes, you. Because when you demonize your partner, then break up, those feelings get locked in. They get frozen inside you. There’s no resolution. From now on the contemptuous part of you will feel right in characterizing them as an awful person. It is now free to double down on the worst thoughts and opinions with no incentive to think otherwise.

Then the breakup isn’t a sorrowful ending to a chapter in your life, or a mournful letting go of what could have been. Instead, it cloaks itself as vindication and blessed liberation from a monster. You’ve dehumanized someone you once regarded highly, and that’s all you will ever be able to see.

And how do you think your locked-in belief that your last partner was a monster will affect your next relationship?

Anything unresolved at the time of breaking up is unresolved within you. Sure, your next relationship might provide an opportunity to resolve and heal. And I wish that for anyone who’s had a painful breakup. But understand it’s akin to saying your next partner might help you foot the bill for a credit card debt you racked up and haven’t been able to pay down. When folks talk about “showing up with baggage,” well, there you go.

Depending on your experience, therapy can potentially be very helpful here. But even that path to healing and emotional growth moves faster if it’s supporting you to break up with resolution, compared to finding resolution post-breakup.

So it’s worth the extra time and effort to resolve as much and as fully as possible on the way to breakup.

Speaking of which… does the following describe you?

• you’ve been together for more than a year but less than five
• you’re debating about commitment and life partnership
• the indecision has become a problem in the relationship

If so, I’d love to interview you. I’m researching for a program I’m designing for couples; this isn’t a sales call. I’d love to ask you a few questions about your experience to help guide the design of my program. Schedule here.

If you know someone who fits this description, I’d love to chat with them.

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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.

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