Ross Geller, the Friend Who Loves Too Much

Ross Geller’s problem comes from being a romantic idealist who loves a little bit too much.

.

.

Transcript provided by Youtube:

00:04
Ross Geller is the sweet, hopeless romantic of Friends.
00:08
And at the start he seems like the most grown-up Friend,
00:11
thanks to his focused career, living on his own
00:14
without a roommate,
00:15
and the fact that he’s been married.
00:16
“It’s what grownups do.”
00:19
But looking back, we notice that Ross is troubled
00:22
by a number of problems underneath his stable surface.
00:25
“I’m fine!”
00:26
At times, to an outside observer, he might appear
00:30
totally neurotic and unhinged.
00:33
“[Shrieks]”
00:35
“My god you are so paranoid.”
00:39
“Am I?!”
00:40
Ross’ anxiety comes from being a romantic idealist
00:43
who wants so desperately to settle down
00:45
and start a happy family.
00:47
“I just want to be married again.”
00:49
Ross feels powerless because this isn’t happening for him —
00:51
but the truth is he needs to work through his issues
00:54
before he’s ready for that.
00:56
“I think maybe it’s time you put Ross
00:58
under the microscope.”
01:01
So Ross’ arc is about learning to accept
01:03
that the road to a stable family life
01:04
can be rockier than he expected,
01:07
and that’s okay.
01:11
Before we go on, be sure to hit subscribe
01:13
and click the bell to get notifications on all of our new videos.
01:20
The punchline about Ross is, of course,
01:23
his complicated romantic history —
01:25
namely, his three divorces.
01:26
“Hey, what do you guys think about this:
01:29
‘Ross, the Divorce Force’?”
01:30
He’s a serial monogamist who puts his love life first,
01:34
but his relationships don’t work out
01:36
the way how he wants them to.
01:37
He’s so fixated on his desire to be happy in love,
01:40
“And what is life without love?”
01:43
that for the longest time he doesn’t understand
01:45
that he’s part of the problem.
01:46
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.
01:48
I am not a crazy, jealous person.”
01:50
Ross’ first marriage to Carol obviously couldn’t have lasted
01:53
because of her sexuality.
01:54
But the fact that it didn’t occur to him she was closeted
01:57
makes us wonder how deeply he was looking at
02:00
who Carol really was.
02:02
“We could — we could have a threesome.”
02:04
“I love that idea.”
02:06
As we see later, Ross has a tendency to idealize
02:09
his romantic partners.
02:10
He leaps into believing he’s in a true, forever love,
02:14
often before he even really knows the other person.
02:16
“We decided to, uh, to get married.”
02:19
And he pursues relationships that we can see,
02:22
from the outside, are never going to work.
02:24
Meanwhile, Ross has a lot of trust issues,
02:27
which partly stem from his failed marriage to Carol.
02:29
“He was very trusting.
02:31
Then ’94 hit, Carol left him,
02:34
and bam!
02:35
Paranoid City!”
02:36
After Ross finally gets together with his dream woman, Rachel,
02:38
this left-over insecurity can sometime poison their relationship
02:42
when Ross can’t handle her building her own career
02:45
and gives in to his jealousy.
02:47
“So it’s hard for me to believe that someone else
02:52
isn’t gonna take you away.”
02:53
He can sometimes be guilty of controlling behavior.
03:00
Ross feels a constant need to be right.
03:02
“Okay — maybe this is so hard
03:04
because there aren’t 50 states.”
03:07
He even gives up the chance to get back together with Rachel
03:10
because he can’t stand the idea of losing the
03:12
“we were on a break argument.”
03:14
“We were on a break!”
03:17
Giving up the need to always be right is essential
03:20
to having a healthy relationship —
03:22
but even though that outcome is what Ross wants the most,
03:25
he really struggles to let go of his drive
03:28
to win all arguments
03:29
and assert his intellectual superiority.
03:31
“And by the way, Y-O-U-Apostrophe-R means ‘You are.’
03:37
Y-O-U-R means ‘Your.'”
03:38
For some who’s so driven by love,
03:41
Ross can also be surprisingly reckless in his love life.
03:44
He sleeps with someone just hours after he and Rachel
03:46
go on a break.
03:47
Wherever you fall on the “were they on a break” question,
03:50
it’s a dumb thing to do if you still want things to work out.
03:53
Ross insists that this kind of behavior is completely
03:56
out of the ordinary for him.
03:58
“I don’t cheat.
03:59
That’s not me.
04:01
I’m not Joey.”
04:02
But this isn’t totally true —
04:03
he does tend to fall into a pattern of crazy behavior
04:07
when he’s in a relationship —
04:08
just look at how he acts with Emily.
04:10
“He’s with Emily at a bed and breakfast in Vermont.”
04:13
“What?
04:14
Oh my God!”
04:15
He proposes to her after knowing her for only six weeks
04:17
and then he says the wrong name at the wedding.
04:22
“Take thee, Rachel.”
04:25
Ross struggles to be comfortable with himself.
04:28
“He made a startling discovery!”
04:31
He hasn’t let go of being an unpopular nerd in high school.
04:35
Even if he and Rachel are each other’s lobsters down the road,
04:38
we do wonder why he’s so hopelessly in love
04:40
with the queen bee of his high school
04:42
before he even knows her.
04:43
Maybe it’s just true love, but it could also reflect
04:46
his insecurities about not being popular and socially accepted.
04:50
“You are a tough guy.
04:51
You’re the toughest paleontologist I know.”
04:53
In the present, Ross seems hung up on the fear
04:55
that he’s not man enough.
04:57
“Dude, you’re not even man enough to pay
04:58
for the channel that carries this sport.”
05:00
He flips out about his son Ben playing with a Barbie.
05:09
But Monica reveals that Ross’ overreaction probably comes
05:13
from shame about the way he used to play with
05:15
stereotypical “girl stuff.”
05:17
“So he has a Barbie.
05:19
Big deal.
05:20
You used to dress up like a woman.”
05:21
Later Ross can’t wrap his mind around the idea
05:23
of Emma having a male nanny.
05:25
“He is too sensitive.”
05:27
But it comes out that this is because his father questioned
05:31
Ross’ masculinity when he found the boy alone
05:33
playing with dinosaurs.
05:34
“‘What are you doing with those things?
05:37
What’s wrong with you?
05:39
Why aren’t you outside
05:41
playing like a real boy?’”
05:43
And Ross has a somewhat cringeworthy habit
05:46
of making passive-aggressive jokes
05:48
about Carol and Susan’s relationship.
05:50
“As in, ‘I now pronounce you wife and wife’ married?”
05:53
In season four he freaks out at the idea
05:55
of Emily spending time with Susan.
05:57
“Susan’s gay.
05:59
They’re being gay together!”
06:01
Ross’ hang-ups about sexuality aren’t such
06:03
a great look in 2018.
06:05
“Who here likes Ross?”
06:07
But there’s also another, more accepting side
06:11
to Ross’ personality that comes out when it matters most.
06:17
It seems like Ross’ emotional baggage is the only thing
06:20
stopping him from being this caring, generous person
06:23
all the time.
06:26
Ross’ whole life from adolescence on is shaped by the fact
06:31
that he’s in love with Rachel,
06:32
and for the longest time she doesn’t return the feeling.
06:35
This is really sad, if we think about it —
06:37
and it helps us forgive Ross if he can be
06:41
a little crazy sometimes.
06:43
So maybe all of Ross’ problems stem from the burden
06:46
of feeling unrequited love for so many years.
06:50
“It’s always been you, Rach.”
06:52
Ross gets himself into trouble when he tries to ignore
06:55
his feelings for Rachel instead of working through them.
06:58
For all of Season 1 he never tells her how he feels.
07:01
Then he rushes into a relationship with Julie
07:03
because the guys tell him to get over Rachel.
07:06
“Forget about her.”
07:08
“He’s right, man.
07:09
Please move on.”
07:10
Later he jumps into the relationship with Emily
07:12
again because of Rachel, who seems to be moving on
07:15
after their breakup.
07:16
“I thought we had moved on.
07:17
I thought we’ve gotten to a place
07:19
where we could be happy for each other.
07:20
I mean, was that just me?”
07:22
When he and Emily get married and he says Rachel’s name
07:25
at the altar,
07:26
“I take thee, Rachel.”
07:28
he insists that there’s no deeper meaning to this,
07:30
“I couldn’t understand why Emily would think it meant something,
07:33
y’know, because, because if was you…
07:35
But it absolutely didn’t.
07:37
It didn’t!”
07:38
but it’s hard to imagine anyone
07:40
ever really buying that.
07:41
He’s so deep in denial that even after Rachel tells him
07:45
“I’m still in love with you.”
07:46
he’s fixated on proving that his marriage to Emily
07:48
isn’t a total failure.
07:50
By the time he drunkenly marries Rachel in Las Vegas
07:53
at the end of season five,
07:54
it’s blatantly obvious that he’s acting on
07:57
his repressed love for her.
07:58
Yet he’s buried his feelings so far down
08:01
that he can’t acknowledge the truth everyone else sees.
08:04
“He’s obviously still in love
08:06
with this Rachel girl.”
08:07
When he doesn’t tell Rachel that they’re still married,
08:10
“I didn’t get the annulment.”
08:11
“What?”
08:13
“We’re still married.
08:18
Don’t tell Rachel.
08:19
See you later!”
08:20
this is probably the height of his denial
08:21
and repressed feelings —
08:22
coupled with that need to be right and not face failures —
08:25
coming out in dysfunctional behavior.
08:29
“I am still your wife?
08:33
What, were you just never gonna tell me?
08:34
What the hell is wrong with you?”
08:35
But what’s so heartwarming about Ross, though, is that
08:36
in spite of all his doomed relationships,
08:37
he never gives up on his dream of true love.
08:39
“Look, I know my marriages didn’t exactly work out but,
08:43
you know, I loved being that committed to another person.”
08:46
Because this is the essence of who Ross is —
08:49
a lover and a genuinely sweet person with a big heart
08:52
who feels most himself when he’s committed
08:55
to someone else.
08:56
And being with his true love Rachel is what brings out
08:59
the best, most lovable version of Ross.
09:02
When they’re first dating, he’s a truly adoring boyfriend
09:05
who will do anything for her.
09:07
He stands up for her at Barry and Mindy’s wedding.
09:09
“I’d just like to say that it did take a lot of courage
09:11
for Rachel to come here tonight.”
09:13
He’s prepared to drink a glass of fat to get her
09:15
to forgive him after a fight.
09:17
“Cheers.”
09:18
“No, no, no, okay, don’t.
09:19
I’ll go.”
09:20
And even after they’re broken up, Ross continues
09:22
to put her first.
09:24
In season three he gives up a great opportunity to be on TV
09:27
because Rachel needs to go to the hospital.
09:29
“I knew that if I told you, you’d make me go.
09:32
And I knew you needed someone to be with you tonight.”
09:34
And in season six he decides not to pursue anything
09:37
with her sister Jill,
09:38
because he’s still holding out hope
09:40
of being with Rachel again one day.
09:42
“I don’t know if anything is ever going to happen with us,
09:45
again, ever.
09:47
But I don’t want to know that it never could.”
09:52
So over all these years, it can be really hard for Ross
09:55
that it takes Rachel so much longer to feel what he does.
09:59
“You were worth the wait.
10:02
And I don’t just mean tonight.”
10:04
And after seeing how happy he is with her,
10:06
it’s no wonder he can’t give up and go home
10:08
when it comes to what they have.
10:16
Ross is a lot like his sister Monica —
10:18
we know they’re both competitive,
10:19
but Ross is also a perfectionist and a control freak,
10:22
and this is especially directed into his love life.
10:25
He can’t face imperfection in his relationships.
10:28
That’s why he so often can’t see
10:29
that a new partner isn’t right for him.
10:31
He latches onto quick fixes for things
10:33
that are wrong in his life.
10:35
“OK, maybe it wasn’t my best decision, but I just couldn’t
10:37
face another failed marriage.”
10:39
“At what point did you think this was a successful marriage?”
10:41
Like his sister, Ross needs to learn how to accept
10:43
that life doesn’t always go according to plan.
10:46
He finally gives up his facade of stability
10:48
after taking a bunch of personal hits.
10:51
His second marriage has failed, he’s been evicted,
10:54
“Hey roomies!”
10:55
and after blowing up at his boss for eating his sandwich,
10:58
he’s forced to go on sabbatical.
11:00
“It’s going to be weird not having a job for a while,
11:04
but I, I definitely don’t care about my sandwich.”
11:07
He goes through a pretty long period of depression
11:09
where he makes a bunch of questionable decisions.
11:12
“Man, can anything go right in my life?”
11:16
“Ross, you left your scarf in–”
11:19
“‘Mental Geller.’
11:20
Yeah.
11:21
I’ve always wanted
11:22
a cool nickname like that.”
11:23
But Ross nedds this time to wallow in his emotions
11:25
and stop trying to make his life be perfect,
11:28
before he can rebuild as a more stable person.
11:30
And Ross does start getting closer and cloer
11:33
to his happy ending
11:34
as he starts accepting the messiness of life.
11:36
He finds joy in co-parenting with Carol and then Rachel
11:40
even though having two kids with two different women —
11:42
neither of whom he’s married to —
11:44
is not how he envisioned fatherhood.
11:46
“I’ve always had this picture of me and my next wife
11:48
in bed on Sunday,
11:49
and my kid comes running in,
11:51
leaps up on the bed and we all read the paper together.”
11:55
In the late seasons of Friends, he’s finally
11:57
learned to be less rigid and deal with life’s curveballs
12:00
instead of just feeling sorry for himself.
12:02
When he reunites with Rachel in the series finale,
12:05
“I got off the plane.”
12:06
he even jokes about his “we were on a break” hang-up,
12:09
“Unless we’re on a break.”
12:11
showing he’s at least partially outgrown
12:13
that obsession with being right.
12:15
Ross finally has his dream family, made up of two great kids
12:18
and the love of his life.
12:19
The bumpiness of this journey to get here
12:22
has made Ross stronger
12:25
so he’s up to the challenge of having the mature
12:27
and meaningful relationship he’s always wanted.
12:30
“It’s like one of those things
12:32
you think is never gonna happen,
12:34
and then it does, and it’s everything
12:36
you want it to be.”
12:37
“One Mississippi, two Mississippi, three Mi–”
12:41
I’m Debra.
12:42
I’m Susannah.
12:43
We’re the creators of ScreenPrism.
12:44
If you like our videos, please subscribe.
12:47
Down there!

—

This post was previously published on Youtube.
—

You Might Also Like These From The Good Men Project

Compliments Men Want to Hear More Often

Relationships Aren’t Easy, But They’re Worth It

The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex

..A Man’s Kiss Tells You Everything