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We’ve all been here: Our partner says or does something, and we get an icky feeling in the pit of our stomach or our chest contracts, or we stop breathing. Our body senses danger (the emotional kind), our fight, flight or freeze response kicks in, and our brain freezes. In that moment, our body knows we’re upset, but our brain isn’t working well enough to figure out and articulate why.
Photo by Yosh Ginsu on Unsplash
The moment passes. Later, we might reflect on what was wrong. We might bring it up with our partner. Or we might not. We tell ourselves it’s not that big a deal, or we don’t want to start a fight for “no reason.” We repress the problem. But it doesn’t actually go away. It gets stored in our body and mind, stirred up and piled onto with each subsequent infraction. If you’re like me, you repress, repress, repress . . . then blow up.
If you’ve never heard of a safeword, it’s a tool used in BDSM circles to indicate that what’s happening in a sex scene doesn’t feel right, so you need to stop and talk about it. (It’s especially useful in domination, when saying “stop” or “no” may be part of the scene and doesn’t actually mean you want someone to stop doing something.) A safeword is a word you wouldn’t usually use in sex, like “red” or “pineapple” or “unicorn,” so that when you use it, your partner immediately knows that they need to pause what’s happening and check in with you.
A safeword is typically used to stop a physical act in sex. But what if we used safewords for emotional triggers too?
When we get that stress response in our bodies, instead of staying silent, or blurting out an accusation because it’s all our brains can manage in the moment, we could use our safeword to signal to our partner that we’re hurting and we need some care.
Because a safeword lacks the emotional charge of an accusation, our partner might be less defensive and could, with a curiosity mindset, gently help us figure out what’s wrong. Once we feel supported and cared for, our nervous system can exit danger mode so that we are able to once again engage in rational thought and nonviolent communication.
Photo by Korney Violin on Unsplash
Using safewords in everyday life could provide our partners with an opportunity to nurture us, learn more about us, and build more intimacy through vulnerable communication.
*I’d love to hear how this strategy works out for you – let me know in the comments.
** Thank you to Dossie Easton and The Center for Sex and Culture for the ideas that inspired this article.
A version of this post was originally posted on Medium.com and is republished here with permission from the author.
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Photo credit: Photo by Branden Tate on Unsplash
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