In Spider-Man: Far From Home, Tom Holland plays Peter Parker, who’s Spider-Man, on summer vacation in Italy with MJ, played by Zendaya. Peter confesses, “I didn’t think I would have to save the world this summer. I know that makes me sound like such a jerk… I had this plan with this girl (MJ) I really like. Now it’s all ruined.”
Peter can either save the world or get the girl. Why can’t he save the world and get the girl, and fall in love? That eloquently resonated in my heart.
Long, long ago, I had forsaken getting the girl. When I was 14 years old, I was short, fat, and ugly. There was no way in hell that any pretty girl would ever go out with me, much less even notice me. Granted, my self-sentence was more about me hating myself: I despised everything about me. I was so very angry. Really, I was so very sad.
I endured my abusive childhood. Whatever I did or didn’t do only made Dad so very angry at me. I would never be good enough for Dad. I would never be good enough for anyone. No, I would never be good enough to go out with some girl. That was my zero, my starting point.
Along the journey, I got my bachelor’s and master’s degrees in electrical engineering. I’ve contributed meaningfully in my 35-year Satellite System Engineering career. I’ve trained in Aikido for 35 years. The late Mizukami Sensei taught me for 25 years. Sensei became the father who taught me what it is to be a good man, to be of service to others, and to make a difference. Sensei said, “Just train. It’s not like you have to get somewhere.” He generated the space to be me and invent the greater-than versions of myself. I’m Godan (5th-degree black belt). As part of Mizukami Sensei’s profound legacy, I pass on all that I got from Sensei to others. I work with therapist Lance Miller to heal my childhood trauma and depression. I just train. I love myself for who I am and forgive myself for who I’m not.
According to the First Noble Truth of Buddhism, there will always be suffering in life. The Fourth Noble Truth is the path to end suffering. On my path, I just train. I love and forgive myself. I lighten the fuck up. On The Good Men Project, along with my Editor Li M Blacker, I try to help guide others in finding their own paths to end suffering, to find their own measure of peace. Peace that we all deserve.
Over the course of my life, I’ve been able to contribute and make a difference for others. Perhaps save the world in my own way, on some scale. Still, it would be nice to get the girl. Maybe fall madly and deeply in love with a woman who would love me back the same way. It would certainly be nice to save the world and get the girl. Just saying.
I’m not what women want. I’m good with that. I’m getting older. I’m 5’3”. I’m not handsome. I’m not exactly rich. There will always be others who are better than I am. That’s just life. I’m as authentic as I can be. I take life’s glancing blows for what’s meaningful, for love. I work on myself, not on others. I have nothing to do with what goes on inside someone else. I do have a say in what goes inside me.
In the bigger picture, I dream that I can leave the world a little better than when I came into it. It would be nice if I could meet the woman of my dreams, too. Not like I deserve anything. Still, that would be nice. Just saying.
On the journey, I keep my heart open. Keep moving forward. My heart is true, magokoro. What I need is already inside me. Who knows? Lightening could strike. Yeah, that would nice, too. Just saying.
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Photo by Rob Pumphrey on Unsplash
