But Super dedicated fan Shawn Henfling is working on an unconventional way to guarantee a Seahawks win in the Super Bowl
**Satire Trigger Warning**
While most of you are planning Super Bowl parties and get togethers, I’m putting the final touches on a sacrificial offering to ensure a Seahawks victory. Because I’m a real fan, in the “the word comes from fanatic, you know!” sense of the word.
I’ve thought long and hard about an approach that shows dedication, an approach that shows true love and devotion. And it has come to me. Indeed, what better way to guarantee a win for your team than a Virgin Sacrifice!
Laying it all bare on the football altar. A showing of faith. Of dedication to the sport. To the team. You know, get the proverbial Football Gods on our side. (Hey, it worked for Tebow. Well for a little while anyway).
Given the incredibly obvious fact that Tom Brady and Bill Belichick have sold their souls to the Devil, everything must be exactly right. This leaves several questions unanswered as I begin my quest to ensure a victory by the good guys:
I’m pretty certain that any sacrificial offering must be virginal. Really, what would be the point of offering the tarnished energy of a used body?
Given that I’m now on the hook to locate a (hopefully) willing virgin before Sunday, I do have a few other questions that need answered.
Do animals work? I mean, really, we’re all animals aren’t we? I guess what I’m trying to say is will a rat or maybe a woodchuck suffice? Probably not. To overcome the obvious otherworldly powers at play, I’ll need a human.
Since this is – OK, I admit it – my very first sacrifice, I’m not completely up on the details. I’m still left with a few questions.
Does it matter if they are male or female?
I’ve watched a few movies, and the consensus seems to be that I need a young woman or teenager.
First born? What about religion? Do I have to sacrifice someone of a particular sect or creed?
Gosh, it all seemed so very simple at the outset when I decided to guarantee a Seahawks victory, but the more I dig in, the more I realize I should have begun preparations months ago.
I’m not that long out of high school, and I remember the shenanigans that went on. I think I’ll just have to take the first virgin girl I find. My odds of finding EXACTLY the right virginal woman of the correct religion are probably pretty slim. I hope good enough is actually “good enough.”
Oh man. I really hope I don’t have to locate a Vestal Virgin. As hard as a regular virgin will be to find, I can’t imagine we have too many priestesses of Vesta around anymore.
That religion has been essentially dead for a few millennia, and those in my corner of backwoods America aren’t exactly welcoming to Ancient Roman religions. Yes. I think it would be prudent to go with the very first virgin we find.
What of the altar?
I’ve never seen a movie that didn’t include an altar of some kind. Is the stone important? I live in an area where large shale slabs are pretty easy to come by. Incidentally, when you Google “What kind of altar is best for human sacrifices,” you actually come up pretty empty. I do know Abraham built an altar with his son out of what they found on the mountain, so probably shale will do. At least it washes off easily.
What of the ritual itself?
I’d like to have a tailgating party at the ritual, but I hear parking is difficult at the edge of a volcano. It’s also impossible to get those VIP parking passes. So we’re going to have to skip that.
The fact of the matter is, human sacrifice worked for thousands of years for many ancient cultures.
Though practices differ across cultures and I’m admittedly new at this, I am nonetheless confident in my ability to summon the positive powers of the Universe to ensure a Seahawks victory.
I have to be. I mean, this is the Super Bowl. The Big Game. For all the marbles.
It’s the very least that I—a dedicated fan—can do. Now, if I can just find a way to fit it into my schedule. I have to pick Tommy up at 1 and take him to baseball practice at 3. Then, I have to grab Lisa at 3:30 and take her to ballet at 4. Before I pick up Tommy at 4:30 and Lisa at 4:45, I have to hit the butcher shop on the way to take Ken Griffey Jr., Jr. for a walk. Ugh, I wonder if the butcher sells virgin Rib Eyes.
But I digress! So now that you’ve seen how far I’m committed to going, do you still feel the need to bet against them?
I didn’t think so. (Go Seahawks!).
Editor’s Note: The above post is satire. Like The Onion or The Borowitz Report. Or well….maybe more like Jonathan Swift. In real life, Shawn Henfling frowns on sacrifice, especially virginal ones. Poor virgins. What did they ever do to anyone anyway? No virgins, vestal or otherwise, were harmed in the making of this article. No. In real life, Shawn Henfling will not be performing any human sacrifices. Rather, he will likely fall asleep on his couch for much of the First Half, but then awaken, and by the sheer power of watching and rooting for his beloved Seahawks, will them to a victory for the ages. Henfling! Henfling! Henfling!
Author, Shawn Henfling thanks Sr. Sports Editor and GMP Lead Editor Mike Kasdan for collaborating with him on this piece, almost to the level of being listed as a co-Author. But not quite. Instead, all he gets is this shout-out here at the bottom of the article, which nobody reads.