Settle For My Love: Second Choice Thoughts

Many moons ago I knew a man we’ll call Tom with a theory about society’s fall: no one listens to men anymore or cares about what they wanted. I almost laughed in his face, not out of misandry but how hilarious the understanding was. Since adolescence I’ve spent countless hours listening to others speak on what they want out of relationships in intimate coffee shops, at swanky parties, and loud bars; on beaches, in hotels, and in clubs. In my thirties, I stopped listening to the lyrics of what they said and the melody of what was unsaid, and I had an answer to my own theory.

Despite his physical interest in me, Tom had made it clear that he’d never be interested in a woman in his peer group. Although I was five years younger than him, he wanted his next relationship to be with a much younger woman. What I didn’t understand, according to him, was that each June, a batch of freshly matriculated women entered the dating scene with high school graduations and the status of legal adults. There’s no way he’d get with an old hag if he had the option of an eighteen-year-old.

I have my opinions about older men dating younger women, but that’s another post. Putting that aside, my next question that I didn’t ask was — if he preferred younger women then why was he talking to me? Because listening to his words, if society failed because no one listened to men, wouldn’t that mean a certain audience that he wanted to listen to him? I fell out of that preference due to age (no big deal) but then it would make more sense to advocate for those within his preference to listen to him. That way, he’d be closer to those he wanted.

When listening to the melody of what others say about who they do and don’t prefer, I’ve heard a theme similar to Tom’s come out. People of all gender expressions want to be loved and accepted for who they are, so they send the message out to whoever will listen. However, they’re only interested in receiving love and acceptance from those who they want. Then, they get frustrated in dead-end relationships with people they don’t want and everyone’s hurt in the end.

There’s plenty of discourse about how one group of people should listen to another without the nuance of who they really want to love and accept them. As someone who’s been a continual second choice, I want to discuss this phenomenon and why we shouldn’t take a settle option.

Loose Statistics: the 80th Percentile

The answers for the ideal of desirability vary but usually land on obtaining partnerships with those in the 80th percentile at least, whether that be in looks, money, popularity, wealth, socioeconomic status, or age. People look for those who have more wealth, more conventional looks, or higher privilege than they are, and for the most part aren’t interested in options that are readily available or heaven forbid, average.

Average is demonized in these conversations. At first, I thought that people describe an ideal as a fantasy, the same way I’d love the superpower of eating unlimited ice cream and never gaining weight. However, as I’ve spoken and observed more people like this, they really do mean they want this idealized version of the person that they want. It springs forth a bunch of questions, such as — does this person even exist? And I’d say that the answer is, they do and they don’t.

Perhaps the person they’re idolizing for this wonderful relationship is a celebrity, like Kim Kardashian (pre-Kanye), or someone they likely won’t interact with on a regular basis. Or, the person they fawn over has wealth and status that they don’t come across in their social circles. Or maybe the person isn’t a celebrity, a millionaire, or a model, but someone within their distant social circle who’s highly sought after and out of their reach.

In cliched high school terms, it’s the male who desires the prom queen with tons of options, but he friend-zones the female nerds because they’re not his type.

This isn’t to shame and degrade anyone for their preferences; everyone has preferences and is entitled to whatever preferences they may have. What’s interesting is imploring others to listen to those preferences when they may fall out of range with what the speaker prefers. And if they don’t fall within the range of what the speaker prefers, why not just aim for those who do?

After countless conversations, I think I know why this next step in the preference conversation isn’t taken. Those who don’t meet the standards could feel bad about themselves for not meeting them. However, those who do meet the standards won’t listen, because they have a plethora of options. So to fire off tweet after tweet, or podcast after podcast about all the people that don’t meet their preferences seems ineffective and a waste of time.

If someone is serious about pursuing their first choice, they’d likely be required to change something about themselves. To become more competitive and desirable to others in terms of looks, money, wealth, socioeconomic status, etc. But that takes time. Then, that person is beholden to the ones they desire, as opposed to those they don’t.

The Undesirables

The focus on non-preferences has its own little category of internet weirdness. Often, when someone tells another that they aren’t wanted, it’s meant as an overt or covert way to tell one person or a group of people that they’re unattractive. And usually, someone focuses on broadcasting nonpreferences because it’s easier to feel powerful to put someone down than it does to change and become more desirable to those that they desire. What happens to those who are the second choice?

I won’t get into it, but if I could describe my love life in a memoir title, it’d be, I’m Gonna Pray for You. I’ve been many people’s second choice due to a host of reasons. They may like who I am and how I make them feel, but they wished they could have this relationship with someone else. Therefore, my social life has been a series of failures because I couldn’t meet the expectation. Nor am I part of that 80th percentile.

This has been a struggle I’ve learned to cope with over the years in healthy and unhealthy forms. Usually, when someone feels that they’re getting a poor deal, or, do not have the qualities they want in a person, they’ll let the other person know. Low self-esteem propelled me to stay in situations that weren’t good for me, coupled with feeling like I’d die alone.

But my opinion on being the second choice has changed.

If someone’s into a certain type of person, go off. The relational choice is very personal, and they’re the only ones who will have to live with the consequences of their actions. What makes it weird is to select the second choice and then loudly and obnoxiously tell them that they’re not it for you.

Because what’s the point of wasting someone’s time? Of course, some people’s preferences are rooted in fantasy and the ideal person doesn’t exist at all. Only they know that, and they should get help with that if they want a real relationship. However, there are some who’ll choose a partner who doesn’t meet the criteria that they consider germane in a relationship. All parties involved will be unhappy in that configuration, until the other leaves once they find their first choice because they already have one foot out the door.

Unless someone is an awful person, no one deserves that. Being the second choice erodes self-esteem, and fills relationships with complete doubt that they’ll always end.

Settle for Love

Settling is a contested topic in terms of relationships. No one wants a settle option and no one wants to be a settle option. Settling implies that someone better is out there, and should that feeling arise, it’s in everyone’s best interest to leave that relationship. Stand up for what you want and how you want to show up in your life.

Being a second choice for anything — whether it’s as a friend, a partner, or even an employee can have horrible consequences for both that may never be undone. It causes injuries to the psyche and can gaslight people.

A general rule in my 30s that I’ve had is if someone makes me the second choice, I won’t choose them. There’s been fewer options, but higher quality.

As far as Tom goes, I hope he’s okay and the one that he wants listened to him. Whomever he chose.

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This post was previously published on MEDIUM.COM.

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From The Good Men Project on Medium

What Does Being in Love and Loving Someone Really Mean?

My 9-Year-Old Accidentally Explained Why His Mom Divorced Me

The One Thing Men Want More Than Sex

The Internal Struggle Men Battle in Silence

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