A parody of Good vs Evil, where two wrongs make a left.
Towards the end of the Roman era the seven deadly sins were first coined as opposites to the seven virtues. They were considered to be the abuses of self, a person’s natural gifts and their passions. Indulging in one of the seven deadly sins was thought to increase a person’s inclination towards evil and lead to the long slide towards hell. Religious zealots would pontificate about the perils of the seven deadly sins and priests and philosophers did their best to help educate the populace on their shortcomings. Thankfully we have the internet today to replace the priests of old and as with all things ancient these seven deadly sins have fallen into disuse and I believe an attempt should be made to bring them into alignment with today’s values and ethics.
1. Romance (Lust). Romance has now superseded lust as the first deadly sin, the sin of mystery and excitement. In the age of instant gratification when two people meet it can only be love if they feel that instant chemistry, attraction and have sex within three dates. To embark on a journey of discovery of a person you may want to spend the rest of your life with is now considered an attack on ones ego. To find such a person and to bare their souls to each other takes time and hard work, a person’s flaws may be exposed through such vulnerability. Such evil as revealing oneself as imperfect cannot be tolerated; it could very well lead to honest self-discovery and maybe even self-improvement. Not to mention it may lead to a powerfully deep connection with your partner, something to be avoided at all costs since it is only going to hurt more when you break up.
2. Generosity (Gluttony). To sacrifice is to err. It’s a dog eat dog world out there and to be generous in the face of gluttony is to be a simpering wimp just waiting for a chalk mark on your back. In a world full of takers to be a giver means having your soul and life sucked dry by those around you, a pawn to be sacrificed on the game of life. Thankfully there are many self-help books out there to point out that not being selfish is selfish, these books will show you how to only give in the expectation of return instead of giving in the expectation that someone else will benefit. Sure there may be a few loons out there who post memes about their latest worthy charity, but no one really listens to them anyway.
3. Humbleness (Greed) Nothing screams loser louder than some idiot who fails to shout their success out to the world at large. To be considered a person of worth one must sell themselves; a person should wear the right clothes, drive the right car, live in the right neighborhood, practice the approved forms of yoga and eat the right forms of kale. How else can the world tell your worth if it isn’t printed in a glossy brochure? To be humble is a sneaky underhanded tactic designed purely so people overlook you, giving you access to stab them in the back later. If more people were humble you would have to start treating them as individuals and connect with them to find out how good they are. It’s most distasteful when you can’t identify someone’s stereotype at first glance; it denies good honest folk the chance to judge you without having to get to know you. Sneaky no good humble bastards.
4. Utility (Sloth)The sin of making something long lived and useful. There used to be a time where seams were double stitched, steal had to meet a certain quality and goods were designed to be durable and long lasting. Somewhere around the advent of the Baby Boomers children got sick of hand-me-downs from their older siblings and those creepy TV repair man who used to visit when the TV went dark. Really though, what’s the point of having a shirt that lasts 5 years without fading or falling apart when it dates you every time you wear it outside? A click of a button and that 3D TV is yours, never mind that you almost never use the 3D aspect, the kids lost the glasses in the first week. Surely it’s better to have the new gimmicks than a mobile phone that doesn’t drop its calls. And isn’t It far better on the environment to have a plastic bottle that degrades in 100 years rather than the glass cup which never degrades, our beaches are full of the silicon dioxide used in glasses and no one even cleans it up.
5. Rationality (Wrath) Nothing makes me angrier than some spoil sport quoting facts at me. I don’t care that if you raise taxes companies would go overseas and no one would have jobs, can’t you see that the jobless need more food stamps so we have to raise taxes. Forget what the “intellectuals” say, lack of evidence is evidence, just because no one can find the child with autism caused by vaccinations doesn’t mean he doesn’t exist. It’s all a global conspiracy by the ignoruminati, which is ironic since how can they be global when the Earth is flat. Rational ideas just leads evil corporations to sell us stuff we need and use, rationality must be stopped at all cost before someone profits from it.
6. Compassion (Envy) There is this odd philosophy that still persists that we should be compassionate to any in need. This is a disparaging misuse of resources, my god if we let that happen some white man might end up with a free meal just because he is homeless and sick. The bum should get a job. Compassion just leads to more needy people so society rightly tries to protect itself from its evil. If you still suffer from being compassionate don’t fret, there is help available. Approved victim lists are now available ranked according to the victims level of privilege, those being most privileged obviously already benefiting from systemic societal advantage thus needing the least help. The lists are also further subdivided by sexiness; leprosy and diseases with boils are conveniently shifted to the bottom for you, and no, you can’t see suicide on the list because it’s a victim-less crime.
7. Contentedness (Pride) Have you ever come across those self-aggrandizing smug people who don’t need or want anything. They give themselves various labels like minimalist, naturalist, moderate or conservative, self-flagellating junkies each and every one of them. They seem proud of the fact they aren’t even trying to fit in with the rest of humanity. Life is all about growth and learning yet these Neanderthals insist they are happy with the things they bought ten years ago. If we let these people reproduce we would end up with a stagnant world where people are just happy being content. How do these conceited, egotistical snobs know they have everything they need if they don’t try new things? If my neighbor didn’t buy a new truck every six months heaven forbid I might have to ask him about his feelings rather than hear how many oil tankers of gas is needed for him to drive to the mall. It has to be stopped.
There you have it, the modern day seven deadly sins. I think there may be more, the introduction of social media platforms has really opened up the world for people to judge and criticize our every action and interaction with the outside world. The poor narcissists keep getting such a bad rap these days and social justice warriors have really started to make headway against these silly things we call laws. Yet these seven deadly sins are a start. As long as you don’t fall into temptation from these sins you should be able to lead a full and happy life free of emotional connection, rational thought and a sense of belonging, and this my friends is how the world wants you.
*A minstrel was a medieval European bard who performed songs whose lyrics told stories of distant places or of existing or imaginary historical events. Although minstrels created their own tales, often they would memorize and embellish the works of others. The Modern Minstrel observes the world around him and shares it with us as lyrical story. This series was inspired by Luke Davis, whose eye for story and ear for lyrical prose are featured here.
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