Sex or Love? It’s a Lot More Complex Than You’d Think

Though it is one of the primary driving forces of human existence, and influences most of our decision making, there are many misconceptions and falsehoods about our sex drives.

If you step away from any spiritual connotations to it, the only thing these meat suits we wear are here for are four simple things.

Eat. Sleep. Poop. Have sex.

Crude? Maybe. But that’s what the breakdown comes to when relating to this machinery of our human bodies.

It’s what they do.

We’re living to die, and working the whole way through.

From the moment we take our first breaths in the world, we’re on the slow road to dying. It takes a while, sure, but our instinctive understanding of that truth plays a factor in what we do every single day.

We eat, so we can live another day, because we need to keep going in order to mate and create a new lifeform from ourselves. Sleep is there for us to have a period of rest, because that rejuvenation is necessary to keep us alive to make that child. We then have to evacuate all those old, useless chemicals and dead cells so we can have space for more.

All that comes together so we can, eventually, do what these bodies were evolved to do. Have sex.

It’s hardwired into these meat-forms whether we like it or not.

So, it may sound strange, but everything we do is done through the filtering system of this basic drive, facilitating our existence another day so we can have sex.

Again, please bear in mind all I am discussing with this is the basic functionality of why the body does what it does. The spiritual, gender, and/or emotional aspects of things are quite different and, of course, have a massive impact on how those drives are controlled.

A great disservice is done by putting so many taboos on our sex drives. It is, after all, the biggest reason for our existences. Sheltering that away does a lot more harm than good.

We’re doing a disservice to coming generations by not being honest.

Every year it seems the age of puberty gets lower and at the same time, parents keep themselves from talking about sex with their kids because it’s embarrassing or they feel the children are not ready to handle the truth.

The problem is, from the moment a girl has her first period, her body’s ready to have a child. Boys are often ready right at the same time to make that happen.

Hormones run rampant and the drive to procreate — subconscious or not — is going to be one of the biggest focuses of their lives. Because of this, children are having sex at younger ages than ever before, and that leads to pregnancies regardless of if anyone’s ready to have it happen.

As a society, we have done our best to hide away this biggest aspect of ourselves. The taboo and strictures on the subject because of belief systems or embarrassment have led, unfortunately, to the detriment of our species as a whole.

Because of this disacknowledgment, many people into adulthood begin to form patterns of belief that sex is the same as love, or that love comes because of sex with someone else. Many people seek out love through sex, and think it’s the best way to make it happen.

We don’t usually teach people there is a difference,, so it’s almost like a natural conclusion. One leads to the other in the end.

Right?

We even call it “making love.”

Even though that phrase has been around a long time, most people don’t think about it in biological or chemical terms. They just say the phrase and that acts as a subconscious programming mechanism to believe, again, that sex is the same as love.

The problem is in that chemistry, though.

You see, when someone has sex, there is a release of bonding hormones, especially the one called oxytocin.

When the brain is hit with this hormone, there is a process of bonding taking place. You gaze into your “lover’s” eyes (catch that phraseology?) and form an attachment to them.

It’s a powerful sensation. It’s also extraordinarily confusing, especially for someone who is young and hasn’t been taught these mechanisms are occurring and how they actually work.

It makes you feel “closer” to the person. Even if they’re not normally your type, or bad for you and know you shouldn’t be with, that chemical bonding process will make you overlook those “wrongs” they have. The more you have sex with that person, the stronger those bonds become.

Unfortunately that can also lead to the perception you belong to them, and they to you, leading into even more problems down the road.

Those bonds aren’t long-lasting.

Now, the interesting part with this is that the oxytocin bonds are not long-lasting at all. About six months, in fact.

Ever notice a lot of relationships start to fall apart around that time? Yeah, that’s because the oxytocin is starting to break down and the chemical bonds are beginning to falter. That’s when you’re able to start seeing past the hormones and into the person as they truly are.

You’ll start to see those little things that annoy you more and more. They’ll turn to aggravation soon enough.

This is, I think, a big part of the reason so many belief systems have strictures in place on relationships, and teach that attachment is dangerous. Why? Because it can lead down the path of destruction.

Does love really exist, then?

So, does all of this mean love doesn’t exist?

Not at all.

It does go far, however, to explain why so many relationships have problems at that stage, because true bonding hasn’t occurred.

True love, actual love, is quite a bit different.

Although it can start with those kinds of chemical bonds, the best relationships are founded on the principles of friendship more than anything.

The longest-lasting, successful ones seem to have been able to accomplish the feat of being their own best friends, rather than being based on the idea that the whole thing is because they’re “lovers.” Sure, sex is part of the scheme, but it’s not the focus of the relationship.

True, real, love is about accepting the person you’re with for all of their flaws, taking them at face value regardless of those shortcomings.

In fact, a diamond is the most valuable when it has a few flaws, because they reflect the light back on the viewer. It’s what makes them beautiful to people.

True love sees those flaws and understands the beauty within them.

Sex is still a driving force, but it’s not the focus.

While sex, being such a driving force of our lives, is one of the parts of the machinery of a true love relationship, it’s also not the main focus. Instead, that relationship is more based on friendship, trust, and affinity for one another.

After all, those who are unable, due to health, choices, or experiences, still can and do find true love all the time.

It takes a lot of work. A good relationship is never 50/50. It’s always 100% from all the people involved, and must be every day.

So, while sex isn’t love, it can lead to it, if everyone wants to work to make it happen.

When it does, it’s one of the most amazing experiences life has to offer.

Thank you for being you.

Keep striving to “be the best you that you can be” at this moment. Remember, no matter who you are or what you’re going through, you are worthy of being loved. Don’t let anyone teach you anything different.

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This post was previously published on medium.com.

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