Mike Berry shares his secret to having more better sex with his wife … and it works in any marriage!
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As I’ve taken inventory of my marriage, over the years, I’ve discovered something—many of us husbands have a problem. Call it a misunderstanding if you will. It lies primarily in the way we think and the way we’re wired. But, it’s not an excuse. If we want a healthy marriage, we must understand a few things about ourselves!
We’d been married for five years. Our misunderstanding of one another was growing exponentially.
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I couldn’t figure out what was wrong. It was the summer of 2004 and Kristin and I were at odds. We argued all the time, over the smallest things. It was becoming ridiculous. At that point, we’d been married for five years. Our misunderstanding of one another was growing exponentially. I determined that we were on different pages, plain and simple! Or were we?
When I finally took the time to listen to my wife’s heart, and not jump to conclusions, I discovered something profound. I had a personal problem. That’s right … me! I failed to see the most important ingredient of a successful marriage—servanthood. Kristin had figured this out years earlier. Most women do. I was dense, however, and kind of lousy at putting her needs above my own! I knew better.
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A few months before I got married, an older, wiser husband and father gave me some peculiar but great advice. He said, “Sex starts in the morning. Don’t ever forget that!”
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A few months before I got married, an older, wiser husband and father gave me some peculiar but great advice. He said, “Sex starts in the morning. Don’t ever forget that!” The comment came out of the blue and frankly caused my face to turn red. “I may have some problems but there’s no way I’m talking about sex with this guy,” I thought to myself. In fact, the conversation ended pretty abruptly. Later on I began to think about his words. The longer I thought, the more I realized why my marriage was stuck on the rocks and lines of communication were severed.
She was tired.
Not just physically, but emotionally and spiritually as well. She had nothing left to give at the end of the day. She had been burning the candle at both ends, from sunup to sundown. Every morning, I rushed off to work in a quiet office and she would put hand to the plow keeping our house in order, attending parent-teacher conferences, doing laundry, making it to doctor’s appointments, tending to sick kiddos, and countless other exhausting chores.
It’s acts of kindness throughout the day. It’s helping to get kids off to school in the morning. It’s taking it upon ourselves to put laundry away because she does it everyday and could use some help.
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While most of us guys can turn on our physical side as easily as flipping on a switch, it’s often not like that for our wives. It’s a process. It’s a trip from point A to point Z. It’s acts of kindness throughout the day. It’s helping to get kids off to school in the morning. It’s taking it upon ourselves to put laundry away because she does it everyday and could use some help. It’s noticing that she’s spent several hours in the kitchen, preparing dinner, so we, along with our kids, voluntarily clear the table and do dishes while she takes a break.
It’s servanthood. It’s her needs above mine. It’s participation and engagement with our children. It’s all of this and so much more!
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Serve.
What if I told you I’ve got the secret ingredient for a successful marriage? What if I told you that you could drastically improve your intimacy? Would you believe me?
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What if I told you I’ve got the secret ingredient for a successful marriage? What if I told you that you could drastically improve your intimacy? Would you believe me? I discovered that I was really bad at putting her needs above my own. If you asked me, I would’ve told you yes. But, dig a little deeper and you’d find that it was all about me. Here’s a question: How are you at serving your partner? Even though we’ve grown in our 16 years together, and our communication is light years beyond where it was in the early days, I have to choose to serve my wife every single day. That’s the secret ingredient.
When I really apply servanthood to my marriage, and put my wife’s needs above my own, our marriage is healthy. When I don’t, the ground is shaky and we’re at odds.
Listen.
I’ve mastered the art of nodding and saying “uh-huh,” when my wife is talking. Heck, I’m even a pro at capturing a few buzz words and repeating them back to make it look like I’m listening. Guys, be honest, you do this too! But, this isn’t good enough. I guarantee there are adults in your professional world that you would never just nod and say “uh-huh” to repeatedly when they’re talking.
I can listen intently to a football announcer’s analysis … but tune out my wife when she’s sharing something that’s on her heart. That’s just not good enough!
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I know this, because it’s true for me. Why, then, are we okay with treating our partners this way? Frankly, it’s terrible. I can listen intently to a football announcer’s analysis of my favorite team’s offensive struggles, but tune out my wife when she’s sharing something that’s on her heart. That’s just not good enough!
Discover.
Ask your wife this question: “What’s it like to be on the other side of me?” Ouch!
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In Dr. Henry Cloud’s book, Integrity, he talks about the wake that leaders leave behind as they move. Simply put, how self-aware a leader is determines the type of wake he or she leaves for those who follow them. They can ski on it, or they’re sinking because of it. Same question applies to marriage. Are we aware of our partner’s needs? Are we tuned-in? Can they ski on our wake or are they drowning because of it? If it’s the latter, it’s time to self-evaluate. Ask your partner this question: “What’s it like to be on the other side of me?” Ouch!
Put your big boy pants on, close your mouth, open your heart and ears, and listen to the answer!
Be.
How good are you at being in the moment? When you arrive home from work are you present? Or, are you somewhere else? This was a huge problem for me. I struggled with engagement. Still do at times. It’s a battle I fight nearly every day. Today’s world blitzes us all the time, demanding this, or calling for that. It’s nearly unending and it feels overwhelming. This is primarily an attack that many men fall victim to. We lose focus and give our mind power to everything but the most important people—our partners and children.
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So, how do we overcome? How do we change? As you and I continually work on our marriages, we must ask [and answer] these critical questions:
- Have I put my partner’s needs above my own today? (Yes, this is a daily question!)
- Am I really listening to my partner when she’s sharing something with me? Or, am I distracted by my phone, the football game, or someone else?
- What kind of wake am I leaving behind me? Can my partner ski on it or is she drowning from it? (This actually applies to your entire family, spouse and kids!)
- When I get home from work am I really there? Am I present and engaged with the most important people in the world?
You will never reach perfection in your marriage, but you can reach health. Trust me, I’m living proof of this. If we make a commitment to serving, listening, discovering, and being everything will improve, including our sex life. I know my wife isn’t perfect either, but that’s not the point of this post. We can serve better. We can listen better. We can discover better. And we can be better.
That guy I told you about earlier was right—sex does start in the morning. And boy oh boy is it good. The dividends pay greatly when I start each day with a commitment to serve my wife above myself!
Question: Husbands, have you discovered this? What has hindered you from serving your wife? You can leave a comment by clicking here.
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Originally published on ConfessionsofaParent.com.
Image ID: 1424007650
Mike, Thanks for the article. Regarding: “I’ve mastered the art of nodding and saying “uh-huh,” when my wife is talking. Heck, I’m even a pro at capturing a few buzz words and repeating them back to make it look like I’m listening. ” I am horrible at doing this exact same thing usually because I’m already onto another task when I step through the door. Guys don’t just say yah or yes. You actually have to put down what you’re doing and look at her when she’s talking to you. My partner gets absolutely furious if I am not looking… Read more »
It’s about working as a team guys – it’s NOT about being subservient to your wife / partner. I can tell you first hand – it’s worked for me. My story mimicks Mike’s quite closely. There comes a time in a marriage where you’ve got to take a good hard look at yourself (both wife and husband). There was a total agreement between my wife and I and I can tell you that our relationship has been amazing. We’ve been married 18 years by the way. I get it – you fall into a rut, yeah, I know. So what… Read more »
Kudos for finding what works best for you! I see foreplay as a lifestyle, which is similar to this title (which I love).
Interestingly, women’s hormone levels make a big difference as well — and many aren’t in a sex-ready place early in the day. The keys, as you point out here, are prioritizing each other’s needs and desires. Kudos.
Perfect servitude? Are you kidding me?
I love how blissfully unaware of his wife’s problems this man is, did you even speak with her about how you felt? She probably has her own Marriage requires an equal effort, on both parts.
I didn’t understand that, until it was too late and she would not look back.
I think hats not a new story, i see it over and over again, from men and woman, while talking about my situation. In my case, I was cut off without any warning or options and I simply never got the chance to learn.
It would be impossible for me to maintain perfect servitude at all times every day,Ii will slip some days, but I think that perfection is not needed, only continued effort.
De Shun – of course it has to be both ways. Even though this article doesn’t specifically articulate this, to me it was the obvious message. You say ‘I did all this’ but had you talked to your wife about what you were going to start doing? Did you discuss that you wanted to improve things between you and that ‘it takes two’? Yes, every marriage is different, but the one thing that relates to every relationship is being honest and talking. FlyingKal – surely love means understanding your partner’s needs, being aware of them and doing something about meeting… Read more »
It’s so weird I did all this and No sex. I think putting someone’s needs before your own has to be both ways or its hog wash. Every marriage is different. There is really no cookie cutter answer. What works for your wife may not work for mine. It’s dangerous to lose yourself and your needs in a marriage. I need more than sex. Lol b
I just want to point out that this isn’t just about women being tired from taking care of the kids. Couples without children can have the same issues. And Joe I agree it is a two way street. Woman cause relationship problems too, most certainly. However, what the author describes IS a common dynamic in many heterosexual relationships. The man is always emotionally checked out, and the woman starts to lose interest in him. Women want to feel emotional connection starting when we get up in the morning, not just at 10 pm when you suddenly seem to notice us… Read more »
Jen, I think you described this well. Seeing that men and women are created so drastically different from one another, makes servanthood that much more important in marriage. Thanks for your comment!
Regarding servanthood, I heard a quote from an old Nobel price winner, Selma Lagerlöf, that might give food for thought.
Roughly translated:
“Love thrives mostly on love, not on services and servanthood.”
Jen, I Think you’re right, mostly. But I also Think that a lot of men get “compartmentalized” and feel disconnected, not “just” because a lack of sex, but because there IS a disconnection in that they feel that most everything in the relationship have to be her way. It’s not about focusing on you every single minute. But he needs to know what you are focusing on, and why. Imagine him getting home from work, and looking forward to connect emotionally with you. But you are not “there”, because your head is still back at your job, or with your… Read more »
“Women want to feel emotional connection starting when we get up in the morning, not just at 10 pm when you suddenly seem to notice us for the first time all day because you are in the mood for sex.” Wow, this is so true, guys listen and learn.
Typical “men are the problem of all relationship issues” rhetoric.
Ever notice women have no faults in any relationship issue?
a.) Men aren’t listening.
b.) Men are insensitive.
c.) Men have over grown hormonal issues.
d.) Men are more insecure.
e.) Men aren’t in tune to their own feelings like women are.
Give me the barf bag now. I bet someone paid Mike Berry to write this garbage.
Not the case Joe. I get paid to write but that’s not why I wrote this post. I wrote it from my heart. It’s what I believe in and live out. My wife and I love one another and have chosen to put the other’s needs above our own. Our marriage is healthy because of it. It’s give and take. That’s the recipe for healthy marriages and healthy relationships universally. This post is from my perspective and it’s a challenge to men. It’s not a challenge to women. This in no way excuses them or claims they do nothing wrong.… Read more »
Well, this is the good “men” project and the piece is written on what MEN can do to improve their relationships. As a Men’s Coach I can tell you that we guys need to focus on what we can do to improve our relationships and let our women come around. The 50 / 50 concept died a long time ago.
Agreed Phil. Thanks for your comment!
Phil,
If it is the woman in the relationship watching TV 2-3 hours a day (i.e. 2-3 hours more than the guy), would you still tell the guy to stop keeping score, and work more and harder in order to let her come around?
TV is a real relationship killer, as are working and having children.
I agree that in a relationship we are there to serve. And when two people serve each other without expecting anything in return or keeping score, the relationship often thrives. But to say I serve to ‘get’ more, better sex from my wife/partner/girlfriend is part of the problem. Serving each other will create an atmosphere in the relationship where the two involved will want to give each other and share sex with each other as a natural extension of serving. FlyingKal, sorry but you missed the point. The dynamics described are just the relationship the author is in. Serving each… Read more »
Neal, I changed the subhead from the original getting more better sex from to having more better sex with. I agree that relationships don’t benefit from transactional behavior.
Well said Neal. Love your closing line- “If you are both there to serve and you do so because that is who you choose to be, you have gone a long way towards a healthy and happy relationship.” Couldn’t agree more!
Neal, The article is subheaded that “it works in any marriage!”. It readily concludes that many men/husbands do and think Y, and many women/wifes do and feel Z, which supposedly is the basis for most if not all “misunderstandings”. And it also mischievously tries to sell us the secret ingredient for drastically improved intimacy and a successful marriage. With that in mind I feel it bordering to dishonesty that you are suddenly trying to revert the story to nothing more than the personal experience of the author… 😉 I’m all for the “serving each other” in a relationship. But how… Read more »
Not any (every) marriage has a sole bread-winner in a fulltime working man, leaving his head at the office when he goes home, and who is also an avid sports fan, and a fulltime stay at home mum bustin’ her a$$ off with a bunch of kids. That’s all.
FlyingKal, As the editor this piece, I worked to make it read the way Neal below describes—as the writer’s experience of his marriage presented as a lesson that has application in other types of marriages; you can see that in the subtitle. I think the larger truth is that each partner should treat the other the way Mike Berry has learned to treat his wife.