Dear Other Dad —
I have a friend I think is racist because of all the things he says. He’s white and I’m mixed. I’ve known him since middle school so it’s hard, but should I stop being friends with him?
— Noodle8355
Your question is one that is sure to resonate with many Americans who, more than ever, are finding themselves at odds with friends and loved ones over issues that involve race.
It’s often hard to talk about racism because people use the term to mean many things. One definition is dividing humans into categories of merit by physical appearance; that is racist thought. Another is prejudice plus power of some kind; this emphasizes the action of racism (the ability to translate thought into harmful behavior). Both definitions are true but they don’t apply equally to everyone.
It is hard to be completely without racist thought in our culture, no matter who you are racially or ethnically, because we are so thoroughly steeped in racial representations and misrepresentations. The most “woke” person is still lugging around a brain that has consumed years’ worth of stereotypes from media, school, and peers. Considering the ways you too experience racist thought is a way to have empathy for your friend.
But your letter is about racism as an action. As a white person, your friend enjoys certain privileges for his race, even if he doesn’t understand that. When he puts his racist thoughts into the world where they may affect others, he’s embodying the second definition of racism. It doesn’t matter if he thinks he’s being funny or it’s “not that bad” — once his racist thoughts are voiced aloud, he’s poisoning the air for everyone in his orbit, but especially for those who are not white like him.
When you ask if you should end your friendship, my answer would be that it depends on multiple factors: How much effect does he have on your health (mental and physical)? How much impact would ending the friendship have on you? Does being friends with him enable more harm (providing him cover because you seem ok with his behavior) or limit it (on the notion that he would be even worse if he didn’t have you to factor in)? Do you see him as having the potential for growth?
Here are five possible approaches to dealing with your friend — you might need to try most or all.
Lead with your life
If this friend is of value to you and you don’t feel they are irredeemable, your presence in their life could be incredibly important in helping them unlearn racist assumptions. Having an exception to the rule of one’s own biases can be a powerful thing because it personalizes a topic which might otherwise be abstract. But your silent presence is clearly not enough for this friend. Talk about race both to him and in front of him. Don’t hide your reactions to his racist language or that of others. Let him see what you do and don’t find acceptable.
The main caveat is this: if it hurts you to keep being exposed to him, this is not a sustainable path. Choose this course if his ability to impact your mental health is minimal.
Call In
Calling someone in means to take them aside privately and tell them why their actions are problematic. Instead of flaming them in public, this method shows a level of courtesy, respect, or affection. It shows care for both of you: it doesn’t sugarcoat the truth of what you are feeling, but it also expresses that you don’t want to harm the other person. Calling in implies that you want to continue the relationship. Keep in mind that defensiveness is racism’s firstborn child, so calling in might yield a rough discussion. But if your friend is worth keeping, hopefully he will see that you have signaled your openness this way.
Call out
Calling someone out is a public approach. It means drawing attention to the problems with your friend’s speech in front of others. Whether you keep it simple or make a scene of it, not letting “casual” racist remarks go by unspoken is a potent tool. For many, it feel easier to let something slide — “that’s just him being him” — or to make a face that shows disapproval and call it good. Directly naming racist behavior is harder because it stings; it breaks the easy flow of conversation — as it should. This will likely upset your friend (and perhaps others) but it makes a clear announcement that you don’t accept this behavior.
Distance yourself
If you don’t want constant exposure to your friend’s comments — or for your friendship to be seen as an endorsement of them — curtail how much you interact with him. You don’t have to cut him off to reduce his footprint in your life. Set the boundaries you need: limit how much time you spend together or restrict your connection to only public settings. He might take the hint and ask why; if he does, answer. If he shows growth, perhaps close the distance. But if he never asks or if he just accepts the lack of interaction, it’s a clue that you can do without this connection.
Move on (but don’t ghost)
If you’ve tried to make your feelings known and don’t see any hope of growth or evolution in your friend, it’s fair to let the friendship go (perhaps permanently or just for now). Stop making space for this friend one on one; try to avoid small group settings with him; and in situations where his presence is unavoidable (like school or house of worship), treat him with the civility you should offer anyone.
But don’t just vanish like your friendship was a mirage. I encourage you to let him know why you are ending the friendship. He might be angry or hurt or even nasty, but he won’t be ignorant of what his actions have cost you (and him). He may well learn something from this, even if he doesn’t apply the lesson in time to save your relationship now. Or he may not. That’s not on you.
It can be hard to let go of a friendship, but it is also common; deep, lifelong friendships are special because they are rare. Other friendships will ebb and flow in importance — and that’s ok.
Your friend’s contribution to your life may have run its course; maybe the same is true of you for him. The fact that you’re asking this question suggests you need to have a real talk, one that will either breathe new life into an old friendship or let you know its time is up.
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This post was previously published on The Shadow.
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