Show Ourselves Some Love

In Writer and Director Cameron Crowe’s Jerry Maguire (1996), Tom Cruise plays dismissed sports agent Jerry Maguire, who endures representing Arizona Cardinals wide receiver Rod Tidwell, played by Academy Award Winner Cuba Gooding Jr., to renegotiate Rod’s multimillion-dollar contract extension.

Jerry tells Rod straight up, “All right. I’ll tell you why you don’t have your ten million dollars yet. Right now, you are a paycheck player. You play with your head, not your heart. In your personal life, heart. But when you get on the field, it’s all about what you didn’t get, who’s to blame, who underthrew the pass, who’s got the contract you don’t, who’s not giving you your love. You know what? That is not what inspires people. That is not what inspires people. Just shut up and play the game. Play it from your heart, and you know what? I will show you the quan. And that’s the truth, man! That’s the truth. Can you handle it? It’s just a question between friends, you know? Oh, and when they call you “shrimp”, I’m the one who defends you!”

When others aren’t giving us our love, show ourselves some love. That’s a good place to start. You know? I know what’s like not getting the love. Just saying.

I grew up hating on myself. I gained mastery in hating. I practiced whenever Dad scared the hell out of me. Whatever I did or didn’t do was never good enough for him. I was no good. Dad couldn’t love me. No one could love me.

If I were perfect, maybe Dad would love me. So, I had to be perfect. I couldn’t make mistakes. Although, by human design, we’re all imperfect. 8-year-old Jon didn’t know any better. I suffered pursuing impossible perfection. I tried so desperately to be loved. I had no space to breathe. I wasn’t free to be me.

Over 30 years ago, I began Aikido training with the late Mizukami Sensei. Sensei was Old School 2^nd generation Japanese American, Nisei, like Dad. Unlike Dad, who demanded I be like him, Sensei said, “You don’t have to do it (Aikido technique) like I do. Make it work (for you).”

Sensei generated the space for me to be me. I was okay as I was. Sensei said, “Just train. It’s not like you have to get somewhere.” Sensei became the father, who taught me what it is to be a good man, to be of service to others.

Several years ago, I suffered from clinical depression after being laid off from a Government Satellite Program and taking a job in an entirely different field. Thwarted intentions inherent in the job, at least from my perspective, resurrected my unresolved childhood fear of Dad. I fulfilled my childhood prophesy: I’m not good enough.

Don’t like ads? Become a supporter and enjoy The Good Men Project ad free

I worked with my therapist Lance to heal my childhood trauma and depression. I looked at my fear of Dad within me. The late Mizukami Sensei said, “Just train.” So, I just trained. I entered my fear inside. I worked on myself. I ground it out.

According to the Greek proverb: Kindness begets kindness. I practiced kindness for others and for me. I couldn’t just love myself from my zero, from my starting point at that time. Yet, I could stop hating on me so much. I lightened the fuck up. I took my baby steps.

In therapy, Aikido, meditation, and writing, I love myself for who I am and forgive myself for who I’m not. I show myself some love. I practice that over, and over, and over, and over again.

In Aikido, I get hit in the stomach with the jo (wooden staff) when I don’t come over the attack with my jo first. I smile, “I’ll wait it out longer next time…” When Jacqui didn’t call back after our Match.com date, I thought, “I guess I’m not what she was looking for.” I fail bravely. I learn from my failures. I work on myself, not on others.

Through my own trials and tribulations, I’m kinder to others and kinder to myself. I show me some love. When I show myself some love, I can show others love too. In the bigger picture, we show ourselves some love and the world becomes a far kinder place. Amen.